Hi,
I haven't been on hear in almost a year because this year I have improved dramatically with my anxiety. I also have a son who has severe autism, and as my anxiety lessened, I began to focus more on my son and his needs. I just wonder if you all can give me some feedback on this situation. I don't want to spin this like I didn't make any mistakes with my friend because I truly want to know if I had a part in sabotaging the relationship, too.
Over the summer I began to get really better, and I had a friend who had basically been one of my main sources of support for two years. She had some anxiety, so she was always very helpful about my severe anxiety. She was also extremely funny, and did outstanding things to help me, my son, and even my husband. This summer I had begun to take care of my son by myself a few hours each day which I hadn't been doing before because of my anxiety. I also began to do some art, and I got a dog. My attention was still on my friendship, but I was "needing" my friend less and less. At the same time, my friend seemed to become needier. I tried to be there for her, but at the same time, my son has severe autism, and I was having trouble identifying with her catastrophizing things like rabbits eating her sun flowers in her garden. I just started to get overwhelmed because I was finally at a place where I felt better, and her negative thinking started to bring me down. Things just kept getting worse. It seemed like she started to compete with me over my art (she's an artist) ,me having other friends, me taking care of my son, and even me having a dog. I prayed to God to show me what I was doing wrong, if I was over reacting, etc. She did a bunch of other things where it looked like she was playing games with me by piting me against her husband, etc. She decided to move to another state, and she came for her last visit on my birthday. She bought me a present, and I bought her a present, but she seemed disappointed that I didn't do more for her. She kept saying how all of her other friends were giving her major going away parties. Keep in mind that I have a child with severe autism, and I have trouble planning parties for anyone. I don't want to be selfish, and I do like to give to others, but I really do only have so much to give. Also, for that day, it was what she wanted to watch on t.v., and what she wanted to eat. Other times that she has visited it's just seemed like we shared those things, or the focus was on me some. I don't know maybe I'm being petty, but she also ignored my son who loves her, snapped at my dog, and ignored my husband one time. At the same time, I do know that this friend gave to me in ways I can never repay her for, and she was so helpful to me during very hard times. She moved away, and during her move she would call me to talk about her stress. She moved away suddenly, and didn't make sure she had a place to live first, or what the cost of living was, or ensure that her husband had a job. During her stress she snapped at me, and she said that she felt like a Katrina victim. Keep in mind that my husband and I lived most of our lives in Mississippi, and our home town was almost completely decimated by Katrina so this comment was very hurtful to me because eventhough I saw that her situation as being stressful I didn't think it compared to Katrina victims by any means. My husband and I had an incident where my son's life was endanger, and my friend was acting that way, so I told her that I couldn't talk with her right then because I couldn't deal with the stress of our friendship and take care of my family. She said she understood at first, but then she sent my husband an e-mail asking him what was really happening. I told her that bothered me and why, and then I sent her an e-mail telling her some things that I saw in our friendship that were hurtful, and I also throughout the e-mail told her my perception could be wrong,etc. She replied to me, and ended the friendship. In the e-mail she claims that I have trust issues, and that I sabotaged the relationship by pushing her away. I want to know the truth to that. I know that I got better, and did that make me push her away?, but at the same time, I see her doing all of these new behaviors that pushed me away because I had become more of an equal partner in the friendship and we got to a deeper level of intimacy. Was she only comfortable helping me, and should I have just stayed needy to have friends? Also, she says that I bailed on her when she got to where she was moving, and maybe I did, but at the same time, my son's autism comes into play, especially his safety. I don't really know how to do this. Right now, I don't really have any friends. I am praying to God to help me have healthy friendships that are not based on "need", but it's so hard to draw the line. I mean, I know we're supposed to have boundaries and be assertive, but if my anxiety comes back, I will really wish that I would have just never said anything to my friend and let her dictate the friendship to however she wanted it. It may be wrong, but I hate not having a best friend anymore. If I don't have support, then I don't take care of my son very well anyway. What do you all think? I just want to learn from this.

All friends and relationships are "need" based, but the problems arise when one person becomes the sole support for another. She should not have resented you because you got busier. Instead she should have enjoyed the time she had with you, and probably should have just found more friends. Either way I am glad your better, and thats probably the most important thing anyway.

When your friend gets better, if she does, you will probably be friends again. If not, wish her well.

It is so wonderful that you are better.

luvpiggy,
There are people who we make friends with, that as long as they are in control of the friendship, they seem very happy. When you began to gain more strength, more courage, to overcome your anxiety, this "controlling friend" because of her low self esteem was threatened.. You had changed, you had grown in your positive position,, she hadnt!
Sad as it is to say, YOU outgrew this friend. It happens!! One fact i have learned through having anxiety, your whole life, thinking, changes.. Its supposed to!!
Your anxiety was worse than hers at the time,, it gave her self esteem to be in charge of your life as being your friend. Friendships are supposed to be equally sharing, not controlling.
Friendships sometimes end. She was a friend to you and you to here, when you both needed that kind of friendship.. Now you have moved past that. Dont beat yourself up because of it!
You will have a best friend again luvpiggy, this time, look for a positive friend... take care Nelly

luvpiggy,

You have outgrown your relationship with this person. Let her go. You can gently let her go. If she is hurt by your actions this is no fault of yours. This is so common with growth and healing. Marriages can be affected also by the growth of one and not the other. It's OK. You'll be doing her a favor by letting her go because now (if she is ready and chooses to) she can take a look at herself and see what she needs to do to heal. It's not a judgement on your part about her. It's a truth.

Have no guilt. This is complete honesty that you need to pat yourself on the back for.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I was having a weak moment yesterday, and your advice lines up with my gut and the opinions of other support people in my life. Thank you all for being there to support me in my weak moment. God Bless You All.
luvpiggy

luvpiggy,
your friend may have been like she was for a long time and you could not see it because you were having anxiety and as if got better you could tell what she was up too.i think that it is more important to take care of your family. if she wants to really be your friend then she can but you do not have to kiss her behind in order for her to be a friend to you. she might have moved for others reasons. no one that i know up and moves just for the sake of it. just keep on prying and thanking GOD for what he has rought you through.
we wnr on a mission trip to missippi 2 yers ago this past oct.and i know what it looked like and how peoples lives were distroyed. we went to pasqagulia i think that is the correct spelling if not please excuse it. and then to gulf post.it was sad and we repaired several homes while we were there. it was sad to see people that had no place to go yet they never complained. they were thankful for what they had and that GOD had protected their lives. so be thankful that you have a family that you care for and cares for you.she is just someone selfesh i think and she might come around. but, if she does not then there are people out there that can be your friend and you will have alot on here.take care and know that you are in our thouhts andprayers and may GOD BLESS you and your family.
don