Hi there,
I am starting my second week. Everything is going fine with me, I am doing great but it makes me so sad and disappointed the fact that my partner doesn't want to participate in my recovery. He just criticized the program and it seems that my excitement and the changes I've been going through the week -which are awsome- seem to bother him and upset him.
Everything I say he relates it with the program and upsets him, even if it has nothing to do with it.I don't know how to deal with this and it's confusing me so badly and it's not helping me at all.
On the other way.... I am extremely excited about the program and for the 1st week I've been there, it has made me feel GREAT! I don't remember when was the last time I felt SO GOOD.

Hello pale-moon, What you expressed in your post of 11/28 resonated with me. I am a person who likes to share my feelings, and fifty years ago I married a man who hardly is aware of his OWN feelings and is insensitive to others' feelings. He has been a steady rock in our family even when I have had 'melt-downs' and was frustrated with him or the children. I appreciate that in him. His calmness helps to diffuse the moment. Ten years ago he had a couple of serious strokes, and since then he cannot acknowledge my feelings. A wise doctor I went to said, "Don't try to talk to him about feelings. You'll just be disappointed all the time. Find others to share feelings with ..friends or extended family. I've had to change my expectations of him. I cannot change him. I can only change myself. This is what I finally realized after many difficult years of trying to change him instead of just being responsible for my own feelings and reactions in the marriage. However, if one of us changes (as everyone constantly does as growth takes place), it might take awhile for the other to get used to those changes. Perhaps your husband grew comfortable with the way you were and is a little threatened to see your engths and positive changes. You can just can be thrilled with your progress and let his bothersome comments just roll off you as he goes through adjustments himself. Who knows the answer for another?....but, it would be worth a try. Just keep being you and let him be him while a little time goes by and he gets used to a growing you. I have had the course since 2003 and have faithfully done the first two or three lessons with each new start. I want to keep moving through it doing each step continuously now. I believe in it and have faith it will work in my life. I send my best wishes for you as you continue in it.
Annette from Salt Lake City

Hello Pale-Moon and Annette,
While my husband has been very supportive of me doing the program, we had a little set back last night as well. We got into an argument and being the anxious worry-wart that I am, I took it too far and then couldn't calm myself down. He got really frustrated with me and told me, "Just stop!" What he doesn't realize is, I can't just stop once it's spun out of control. Then he said, "I thought this program was going to help you!" And while from my perspective, it hs helped me out a little bit, he hasn't seen the effects yet. This morning after I had a chance to look at the situation in hindsight, it must take an awful lot to deal with someone like me all the time and even though my husband was being critical of the program I'm going to continue for both our sakes.

Good luck, don't let anyone's criticism get you off track.

Hi
My husband isn't supportive either. I am actually at my mom's right now. He moved me to a place away from everyone I know in a town that didn't even have a grocery store. He moved there because he is a hunter and it is close to the mountains. He left me all of the time and I was so depressed and full of negative thoughts that I thought that I was going crazy. I couldn't go to counceling because I didn't know anyone to babysit. He was too busy to babysit. We still talk and want to be together, but we are different states. I am scared once I do become confident and independant that I won't want to be with him anymore. I don't want a torn apart family either. But he keeps me down by putting me down about my social anxiety. I don't know what to do either. What should I do?

Ladies,

Sorry to hear of your problems. I am a guy, so perhaps I can offer a unique perspective that will be helpful. But keep in mind, us "guys" tend to want to solve problems, as opposed to just being a springboard for feelings. So I'll throw out some thoughts as to what is going on.

First off, you have a problem (me too) that you need to fix, and this has nothing to do with whether you are married, single, etc. Your first priority should be to FIX what is wrong with you---because there is a good chance that your authentic personality is being muffled right now. So fix yourself, and then solve the other problems.

Dimples--you said you were worried that you might not love your hub once you heal yourself. Well, maybe you'll find other things to love about him!! Maybe you love him now because he brings you peace, calm, etc....maybe that is just a starting point, and the best is yet to come!! You are hyper-analyzing something you cannot possible know the answers to or control (how many times has Luc said this??)

PaleMoon: Your hub is scared. Heck, you are gonna get to feeling better and you'll wake up one day and say: What am I married to this loser for?? I can do better!! I have a great personality, I love life, I'm fun.....time to UPGRADE!!

This is what he is thinking. It is his own insecurity, but you may be feeding it in some way (not blaming you, just making you aware). Maybe you are saying, "Hubby, once I get to feeling better I'm gonna go get a membership at the gym so I can get toned up. And then we can start going out to the clubs again." He just heard you say, "my old life isn't good enough, and you are an attachment of the old life."

I know this probably sounds crazy that I am making this about you and not him, but I just want to give you the insight to his mindset. Solutions?? Personally, I'd start talking about things you and he can do that don't have any kind of "adult" overtone to it. I wouldn't talk about making new friends, etc. Talk about how this is going to improve YOU TWO GUYS. "Hub, when I get feeling better the first thing I want do is take that camping vaca to Colorado you've been talking about for so long." Now he doesn't feel like he is going to get squeezed out.

Again, he is the one with the problem adjusting--not you. But unless he is looking for help with this (I doubt it), you may have to be proactive and do his work for him.

He has no idea what is coming---"is my wife going to turn mean? Is she going to become one of those Hillary Clinton-type gals runs the show? Is my wife going to be far more alluring to other men once she feels better? I've always been her soft place to fall---and I like being that for her, it makes me feel needed---will she even need that anymore??

Hubby would just rather play it safe and keep things comfortable like they are now. But I have no doubt all of you ladies can make them still feel needed and relied on, which men need probably more than anything.

**Note: I am not a counselor, etc....so value my advice the same as what you paid for it