It seems like this lesson is saying to lower my expectations.I understand some of that but yet I feel like they are saying not to expect to much.I mean like yes, I think my holidays should be nice, and my husband should love me better, and my kids should have better grades. So how Im thinking there is all wrong right? I mean If Im unhappy with my husband because I think he should be paying more attention to me, is that wrong, am I having high expectations there. Im lost I think. Believe me I know lifes not perfect. Rosie

Rosie,
I am with you on this one to a point. I know that some of my expectations are not realistic...especially in regards to myself. I set way to high of expectations for myself and always feel that I fail therefore causing me to be depressed.

I do not necessarily see that I set my expectations too high for others. I feel that I am very reasonable wanting to be loved, appreciated, shown respect etc...

I do agree with you on that. Maybe after a couple more weeks this lesson will be more clear for both of us. Good luck!! ~Flutterby

I also had trouble with this lesson at first. I felt like, "Well, why can't I expect my husband to love me more and be more sensitive?" But, I realized, I can't. Because I'm not him, and I have no control over how he reacts to me. Yes, it's nice when he shows me unconditional love. But, for me to expect unconditional love from him only sets me up for anger and disappointment.

I think maybe there's a difference between what we want and what we expect. I want my husband to love me unconditionally. I don't expect that anymore, because that is a concept that is new to him. But, we've discussed it, and he is starting to change. Which is great, for both of us. But, I don't expect him to change, because I have no control over that.

I think it might be the same with something like your kids' grades. You want them to get better grades. But, you can't really expect it, because you could be disappointed (and then angry and then maybe guilty or depressed) so easily.

At least, that's how I took it.

Initially, I thought I didn't need this lesson, because I don't have very high expectations of myself or others, but I realized that I really did need it, because I have high expectations of life and the world. I really expect that life will be good and fair, that people (in general) will be nice, that I'll always feel good. And those are the expectations that get me into trouble with anxiety and depression. So, I really, really like this lesson.

Good luck,
Lori

Boy I'm chatty today...

This lesson threw me for a loop! I was such a people pleaser, perfectionist, mind reader...I thought everyone should be like me. Afterall, I was perfect.

So, my husband SHOULD be able to tell when I needed a hug, my kids should know that they need to be extra good today...WRONG. When I got into this lesson I asked myself if I knew what they needed all the time, no. I asked myself if I could read their minds-no.

No one is suggesting that you have low hopes...what good are low hopes! What we are saying is what Lori is trying to share: We have NO control over others, over the world, over the weather... Be REAL in those categories that are beyond our control.

It's not about lowering anything...it's about being realistic.

REad Wayne Dyer's, ERRONEOUS ZONES

Hey, anyone who can read minds...what numbers should I choose to win the lottery?

Bingo, Carolyn

quote:

Originally posted by Midwest Center Staff:
Boy I'm chatty today...

This lesson threw me for a loop! I was such a people pleaser, perfectionist, mind reader...I thought everyone should be like me. Afterall, I was perfect.

So, my husband SHOULD be able to tell when I needed a hug, my kids should know that they need to be extra good today...WRONG. When I got into this lesson I asked myself if I knew what they needed all the time, no. I asked myself if I could read their minds-no.

No one is suggesting that you have low hopes...what good are low hopes! What we are saying is what Lori is trying to share: We have NO control over others, over the world, over the weather... Be REAL in those categories that are beyond our control.

It's not about lowering anything...it's about being realistic.

REad Wayne Dyer's, ERRONEOUS ZONES

Hey, anyone who can read minds...what numbers should I choose to win the lottery?

Bingo, Carolyn

This is the very thing I'm trying to work on and you bring up great points. I'm a perfectionist, I have very high standards for myself and others, because really deep down, I'm insecure. This is a big problem for me that I'm still working on. Here's an example. I've been doing pretty well lately, and I started dating a great guy, and tomorrow he's coming over and of course I want everything to be perfect. The house spotless, something spectular to eat, me looking flawless and somehow magically skinny, the evening plays out perfect in my mind, just the right conversations and mood. I have been totally stressed out for 3 days thinking about tomorrow night! Whereas, I'm sure he's not even sweating it!! The eye opening thing that I'm learning, is that once I'm actually "IN" the situation, I can relax and loosen up and think whatever happens, happens! It's the days before that my wanting everything to go perfectly drives me to major anxiety! Look at how ridiculous and exhausting all that stuff is! I know I need to loosen up, I recognize it now, everything doesn't have to be perfect, including me. He should just accept me for the way I am. To get that to stick in the mind after years of perfectionist behavior is hard work! But boy that felt good to write and it cleared my mind!

JBean64:

Your last line said it all. How about pulling out your spiral notebook and writing a POSITIVE / NEGATIVE dialogue.

You're what-if-ing all over the place.



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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

I'm kind of confused about this one too. A lot of my depression is because I've given up trying to have things in my life the way I want them to be. My house, especially. I dream of a "Better Homes" house, but I know that's not realistic. I would be content if it was reasonably picked up most of the time, but I can't seem to manage anywhere close to that. It's a total mess because trying to clean up always leads to fights with my family. I used to want "perfect" holidays but now we hardly even put up Christmas decorations, only the tree and the stockings. It seems everything is "too much hassle". My kids miss the train we use to put up. I don't seem to know how to find a middle ground between "perfect" and "who cares". I would like some things to be special. Anyone have any insight please?

TobyO

Hi Tobyo,
I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way. Then I said to myself, the dust will wait, the laundry will wait, so will everything else!!! When you feel that feeling coming, take a walk, take a bath...do anything that won't stress you out! I also find that listening to music gets me motivated to clean..which I hate to do! When you learn that it's ok to take care of you..then the other stuff will just find its place!

Thanks Judy. This is really a tough one. I appreciate the support.