I am now going to start week 4. I do not necessarily feel that I am ready for this. I feel that the wind is out of my sails...so to speak but I have enough will power as of right now to go ahead and try this anyway.

I do wish that the name of this lesson was how to do less and get better. All of this is hard work. It's hard to practice relaxing. It's hard to do self talk. All of this is really hard and uncomfortable. I guess I feel kind of exposed right now. I am frustrated but I want to feel better. I want results yesterday!!

This of course is not realistic and I know that. I just hope that all of us that post here can someday say that despite how hard it was to change....it was all worth it. Everyone will find peace, happiness and good fortune. That doesn't sound realistic to me right now but I have the feeling that if I continue to tell myself that, maybe I will remain strong enough to keep putting myself to the test and keep doing everything I am doing to make things better.

I had a bad week last week and started feeling really low. Therapy did not even help. This was the first week that my therapist really had nothing comforting to say to me...in fact he kind of made me feel unimportant. He told me that he is completely booked up next week and I would have to wait until a week from Monday to come back. I don't know about anyone else but I have routines that for me are set in stone. This is an upset to me. I will deal with it but....IT'S NOT EASY!!

I do not like being put on the back burner. That is where I feel that I have been put by alot of people in my life. How do I make myself feel important, wanted, loved etc. if no one else ever does? Oh enough of my self pity. One of these days I will feel better and it will be because I am working hard and I deserve to feel better. Not because of anyone else.

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings...I am sure I will have more in the weeks to come. I wish that I could think "out of the box" like Andrew does so often. I keep myself so isolated thinking inside of the box all of the time. Maybe Andrew should come up with a program for that!!

~Flutterby

Go ahead and ramble. I need to sometimes too.I haven't been able to see my therapist in nearly a month. They want to bump me to someone else while my guy is busy. I know how you feel. I don't see the use of talking to a stranger. My guy and I finally started to communicate! Anyway, I won't be too sticky sweet, I hate it when people do that to me-but I will say-keeping your chin above water isn't easy-we just have to do the best we can. Ing

Hi Flutterby, I haven't had a look, until now, at the postings for Lesson 4. I saw the title of your's and i laughed aloud so hard!!! Got me right in the belly! "how to do less and get better". I know you probably didn't mean for that to sound funny, but it was like reading EXACTLY how i feel these last two days and thank God i can laugh at myself about this! I have started and stopped this program many times in the last 8 months. Four weeks ago, i committed myself to it in a whole new way, with a great attitude. I've been feeling improvements along the way and hope for recovery from about 25 years of debilitating panic disorder. And yesterday i arrived at Lesson 4. Yuck!!! Goal setting...planning,etc... My worst topics!!! I hear my mother's famous last words, "Linda loo, you never want to go through the means to the end, you just want to BE a singer, or an actress, or a painter, or a therapist.....without having done anything to get there!!" Well, the reasons for this are long and involved, and over the years i've come to understand why i've had trouble applying myself to things i really care about. And here i am, Lesson 4...and that's how i feel..."do i have to do this?!" I have great,big blocks in the way, habits of a lifetime, resistence so strong! It's like a little kid, screaming " I don't wanna!" The good news is... i have by now developed a part of me that can take this little kid by the hand (with patience, love and compassion) and get her to do the work. It sure isn't perfect, maybe not as much time spent as some others might be spending, but i am using Lesson 3 (self-talk) for absolutely everything!! It's like cultivating an environment within myself that is continually loving.....as opposed to hostile. In this atmosphere, a child can grow and prosper. That's how i think of it....so much of my fear and terror and resistence is coming from a child-place inside of me. It's kinda like learning to re-parent her, so that she will finally TRUST someone is there for her, and allow growth to happen. I think i've gone off on a tangent....forgive me. I just felt i wanted to write something down here, cause i know what you mean....."why do we have to do this, can't we just recover?" Well, this program provides all the ways we need to deal with thoughts and feelings like that! God bless you and hope you are feeling as well as you possibly can be. love, Lindi

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Linda

Thanks Ing! ~Flutterby

Linda,
I must say that I giggled when I read your response. Glad that I am not the only one who felt this way. I was starting to get a complex since no one had responded. I still have not put very much effort into the program. Think that I got hung up on lesson 3. Oh well....I have the rest of my life to do this right? Thanks for your reply. ~Flutterby

Lindi,


I just read your post from 4-3- and I am just like you, although today I'm having a rough day. I'll be starting week 4 tomorrow. and I tell you, I'm another one who just wants to get there but doesn't want to do the work. I hate this, I really do, the work involved, but I keep telling myself, it's just like when I quit smoking. Just live through each craving (craving to be bad to myself) and try the good self-talk although today it's been tough, and I know about the little child inside, too, kicking and screaming all the way. Wanting this and not wanting it. I really am addicted to it and it scares me, but I read that our addictions are not stronger than the person we want to be, we only think they are. So, when that urge comes up, I just tell myself, I'm stronger than this. It's a slow process, though. Thanks for listening.

Jeanne