I'm finding lesson four very contradictory. We're supposed to expect things to go wrong, but we're not supposed to think 'what if'? Shouldn't I have a contingency plan? Shouldn't I cover my rear if (or, as this lesson tells me, when) things go wrong? I think that's just being responsible. They're telling me I DON'T deserve good things to happen to me, and to expect the worst, but I'm supposed to think positive? This lesson is just making me so mad I want to skip right over it.

Before I met my ex-boyfriend, I expected my next relationship to be with a man who had a job, license, car, his own place, and no prison record. Well, when I met him, he had just lost the second job he had in the two months he'd been out of prison. A few weeks later I 'lent' him money to pay the fines to get his license back and to get a vehicle. A few weeks later his roommate threw him out because he wasn't paying rent, and he moved in with me.

I do agree that I shouldn't expect to be paid back the money I lend people. But are these expectations really "ridiculous"? How am I supposed to lower my expectations "tremendously"? So I shouldn't expect to be with a responsible adult. I should expect to be taken advantage of. I shouldn't expect anything good to happen to me. I should expect everything to go wrong. And I'm supposed to think positively and not be depressed? I think this lesson is doing much more harm than good.

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but here goes...
I think the lession is trying to tell you that life is hard and to accept that fact. If you are not prepared to accept that, then you will never find happiness. I haven't started the program, but I think the lession as you describe it is just trying to teach you a new way of thinking. You can accept that life is hard and still be a positive thinker. We live in a world that is really evil and really beautiful at the same time. No one was born deserving anything -- good or bad. None of us deserve to be abused, used, etc. and no one deserves wealth power or fortune.
For every person who is better off than you, there are many more who are worse off.
I think the lession is trying to teach you not to expect anything because that causes dissapointment, anger, and the feeling of unfairness. Life is not fair. If you learn to accept that life is difficult and not to expect anything, then you will begin to see good around you and be able to focus on it. Even though life is hard and unfair, there are also blessings and unexpected gifts.
Lastly, you are a stranger and it is none of my business how you live your life, but I think you should forget about men who use you and take care of YOURSELF. Heal yourself, you are worth so much more than letting men use you and walk on you. You don't need a man to be happy and it sounds like men make you feel terrible anyway.
Do the program as many times as it takes, take care of you and be well.
You will be in my prayers.

Suey,

If you are being taken advantage of, then that's something you need to correct. You don't have to be a VICTIM !!! So DO something about it! Make changes in your life that you can be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

I heard someone say this before and I think it applies here:
Don't complain about the things you allow

You shouldn't EXPECT to feel good when you are allowing people to walk all over you !

I believe this lesson has alot to offer and you are not seeing it correctly. First of all, the idea of lowering your expectations is important.
How many times have you expected something so much more than what you got? It would make sense to keep your expectations REALISTIC.

You can EXPECT a good life, but you need to make good choices that will lead to a "good" life. You cannot expect everyone else to give it to you. It's something you get from yourself.
Happiness is a CHOICE, not a feeling!

If I was to lend people money, I would EXPECT it back. I would ASK for it back. If they can't do it, then I wouldn't expect myself to lend out anymore money!

If you are unhappy with your boyfriend, then get a new one ! Don't settle for the one you have if you wanted something else out of a person.

Expect less and get more, simply means not to have such HIGH expectations... instead have REALISTIC expectations. If things don't measure up to your REALISTIC expectations, then find something that does!

Hi Sue

Lesson 4 can be somewhat confusing. I'm reviewing it myself this week. I think what you are missing here is thinking of expectations being either realistic or non-realistic. Realistic expectations are those which you truly want for yourself. For example, I want to eat better. This is something I want for myself. No one is telling me I must eat better or threatening me about it. So I turned this expectation into a goal and I went grocery shopping and made healthier food choices.

I guess my point is, look at those expectations you want for yourself and make goals to achieve them. Get rid of expectations that others put on you of how you should act, be or feel. What matters is how you feel about things. Listen to your gut. You know what is right and wrong.

I don't believe that this lesson is telling us to expect the worst out of life. I believe that when we expect the worst, these expectations aren't really ours anyway. Usually expectating the worst is based on past feelings that resulted from an unfortunate situation with other people etc. These negative emotions do not determine who we are as people. I think that generally people want the best for themselves and unfortunately bad things happen in life to "jade" our views. If we think the best for ourselves we will attract it.

Hi-Get rid of the shoulds!!! When you should on yourself that produces anger and guilt and when you should on others that produces anger and frustration. Try asking yourself if your expectations are reasonable, rational and realistic. Do not try to predict the outcome-Give yourself credit for 50% and the other 50% is an unknown. When we try to control or predict the outcome we set ourself up for many hurts.Life is not always fair and neither are people and yes we all deserve the best life has to offer. This lesson is about finding your believe system as so many of our believes come from others. There is really no such thing as failure-only an opportunity to learn and grow. Remember we all have choices!!!!Also it takes time to put all these wonderful skills in to practice. Take Care- Timber

Thank you, everyone, for your compassion and support. I expected to be torn apart for all my negative thinking. Instead, you're all building me up. I really do think my expectations are extremely low to begin with. I've always an "expect the worst, hope for the best" kind of person. I guess I shouldn't expect this to be a one-size-fits-all kind of program.

I started this program about a week after breaking up with my boyfriend. I actually bought it about two years ago, just before I met him. So I'm not blaming my current state on him. At the time, I guess I thought if I had someone that loved me, I was all set.

I realize I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, and am determined to never let it happen again. I'm back in control of my life, I've got my dignity back, and I'm determined to keep it that way. But I also want to trust and love again. Would that be a tremendously high expectation?

Sunset, some boyfriends aren't so replacable. It's more important to me right now that I be content on my own. I don't need a new boyfriend.

I don't know; I've tried listening to the tape twice and found it very depressing and negative and contradictory to everything in the previous lessons.

I'm expecting to get through this program and be better off than when I started. I'm expecting to take better care of myself. I'm expecting to be more wary of others than I have been in the past, but still have enough trust to make new friends. I don't think these are extremely high expectations, but they're higher than the ones I had before starting the program. Please don't tell me I should lower them!!!

Hi Suey,
It is unrealistic to have no expectations. I understand why you are grappling with Lesson 4. It's saying, "don't expect anything", when in fact it is quite rational and reasonable to expect that people be decent, and reliable, and accountable for their behaviors. What I have taken from Lesson 4 is that people with anxiety often expect way too much and it sends the expectations from reasonable into the zone of completely unrealistic. What happens at the level unrealism is a constant flow of disappointment. Of course you expect to be treated well, or get money paid that is owed. Those aren't unrealistic expectations. The trick in this Lesson is figuring out which expectations are reasonable and which are unrealistic and solely contribute to your level of anxiety. Maybe it would be helpful to write two lists. One for reasonable and the other for unrealistic. Then, at least, with the unreasonable ones you can catch yourself and try to correct them. Just food for thought....
-peacewithin

Hi Suey-Your expectations do not sound unreasonable. As long as you do not attach an outcome. An example could be is that one is going for a job interview so you do your preparing and get yourself there and as for the outcome of the interview it is an unknown. I thought at one time if I could predict the outcome everything would be Ok and I would not get hurt. Wrong so now I just do my part. Try using words like I am going to get threw this program and I am going to take better care of myself and next time I am going to really think about whether I want to lend money. Please remember to take the good out of all experiences and that builds and builds and we just get stronger and stronger. Another problem I had was seeing things as I thought they should be- Wrong I now see it as it is and sometimes that is hard but when all is said and done it hurts alot less just like the truth can hurt but a lie hurts far more. Use the guidelines in the lesson to determine if your expectations are reasonable , rational and realistic and most of all believe in you!!!!!! Timber

quote:

Sunset, some boyfriends aren't so replacable. It's more important to me right now that I be content on my own. I don't need a new boyfriend.

Suey,
I think you writing this was REAL progress! You must love yourself and be content within yourself before you can move on in your life. My point for saying that if you are don't like the one you have...get a new one....was just saying that we have the power to make better decisions for ourselves. I personally don't think your expectations are unrealistic, but because you are not making decisions that lead to what you want....this is the problem. Being on your own and finding out exactly what you want and what choices you have to make in order to get what you want is the growth you want.

I wish you well as you move forward.