Hi all, I've been meaning to post this sort of topic for so long. I'm posting this in the 'Expectation' section because ~ in certain areas of my life, areas that i MUST attend to....i will set my expectations of myself low (as program suggests) and even so, more often than not, i don't 'get it done'. Now, this has been a problem all of my life and i have spent much time learning to understand why i am this way. 'This way', meaning i have always had an enormously difficult time 'sticking with it', going through the means to the end, keeping my level of motivation up. This fact has caused me alot of distress. I am well aware of all the cognitive, behavioural techniques which are meant to help, and still i have not found the 'key' that "i" need to make this vital change happen. I know my tendency to 'give up easily'....to lose interest....to turn my back on my own passions....occured when i was sooooo young, around 2 or 3 yrs.old. I even have acquired some understanding as to why that happened within me. I understand that something 'in my soul' kinda died. I won't get into any detail here...the thing is ~ for WHATEVER causes, the outcome has been and still is... that no matter what i KNOW i have to do (apply myself to) in order to let's say....earn more of a living, get back to my artwork (which i did and loved doing up to 3 yrs.ago)... whatever it is that i have made A GOAL....just can't stick to it! So, here i am, at my age, STILL the "underachiever". And what i hear about MOSTLY on these 16 tapes...is about people who are just soooooooo busy, and must learn to make TIME for themselves....do meditation, relax, spend time with friends,etc. Well, i've been meditating, relaxing, spending loads of time with friends, doing WHATEVER i like....for years and years!!! I have TOO much time! I AM bring compassion and kindness and patience to myself regarding all of this, but i'm not going to deny how i really FEEL...which is distressed, irritable, angry and at times...anguished, because i see a life (mine) which has been so "under-lived" and i want so badly to be ABLE to change this. My resistance is enormously strong when it comes to what i referred to before...the continual application of something...the 'sticking with',etc.. I don't expect anyone here to explain 'why i'm like this'....those answers can only be discovered within myself. I'm just wondering if anyone else finds it strange or frustrating hearing only about 'overachievers' and people who 'have to slow down' and 'make time'...because i honestly cannot relate! Okay, said enough. Bye for now, Lindi

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Linda

Ooh ooh ooh. Thats a Horseshack with his hand raised straight in the air. I feel like I am a person who could run a corporation (if I had the training and the drive). I wonder if I underachieve because of the fear of failure or if its because I just don't want to go out and conquer the world. I do know that I've always wanted to be a wife and mom and take care of my family. Maybe its just the 'world' telling me I 'should' be out there doing something grand. Ok, its hard to explain. I am happy doing what I'm doing but maybe its my nature to 2nd guess myself. I know I could do tons more but don't want to. I have young ones and I homeschool them but I am not the 'too busy' type at all. I love to putter around the house. I am busy with my job I've chosen. I see other people do so much stuff all the time but I know something has to give. Ok, I probably havent' made much sense but I guess I feel like I underachieve too. Reena

Hi Reena, my no-smoking cheerleader!!!! Yes, i've finally posted another topic. Believe it or not, i don't understand the reference: "That's a Horseshack with his hand raised straight in the air." I swear ~ i've never heard that before. (explain?) Reena, you do not sound like an 'underachiever' to ME! But, of course, only YOU know how you feel inside yourself. And honestly, i'm not talking about what Society expects of us, really i'm not! You have KNOWN that you wanted to be a wife and a mom, and you are doing exactly that! You ARE doing something grand!!!! It's perfectly okay to not WANT to throw yourself into something outside of that! For MYSELF, whatever it's been in Life...that i wanted to do for myself...i simply HAVEN'T done. Right now, i absolutely HAVE to earn a living. I know what to do about this, i've figured out how i can work for myself, and i'm perfectly qualified to do this work. I even enjoy it! AND YET, my problem is that i cannot seem to make myself DO what is necessary (the paper work, the time i need to spend on this, whatever is required to bring this thing into fruition). This is one example. I can think of SOOOO many projects i would love to see happen, and then...i just go and forget about them! This is a very old story with me. I've always been a walking, talking bundle of 'Potential'. Potential unmanifested. Enormous creativity lying dormant. It's not like i have a family to care for, or any dire responsibilities....my situation is different than yours. And, by the way Reena, HOW WONDERFUL that you are Homeschooling your children!!!! If you witnessed a day in my life, you would see why i'm feeling this way. It's not as if i haven't tired! I've used every method i could come up with, and advice from others (on this message board as well) to lovingly, patiently sit myself down and just DO IT!!! It works for a little while, and before i know it...i've simply left (dumped) the work! Recently, i asked a girlfriend to help me out, by giving me a few deadlines (for this work i was speaking about)....she is much more 'task oriented' than i!! I truly thought that working WITH somebody who knows me well...would help to keep me inspired and on track. Didn't work! Honestly...i don't know what to do with myself!! (Oh God...that sounded just like my mother when i was very small "what are we going to do with you, Linda!!") Eeeerie! I feel as if i'm writing to you about a child who i'm finding it almost impossible to help! And that kid is me. Okay, i'll sign off here. Always so good to hear from you Reena! ((((hugs)))) Lindi

Hi folks

It seems to me to be important to distinguish here, between two very different things - underachievement, and being oneself.

I have often underachieved in the past - held back because of anxiety, or fear, stayed in the perceived safety of my home, passed up chances to travel or take more challenging jobs and positions. This was a side effect of the anxiety itself, of the fact that I was dedicating so much attention and energy to being anxious that I just didn't have much left for anything else. Releasing the stranglehold of this sort of underachievement is a wonderful feeling.

Being ones self, on the other hand...

"You can do anything you want to do."

Not, you should do everything that you /can/ do, which is how I seemed to read it for a very long time. Doing anything you want to do means having the confidence to /not/ take the high-powered job because you'd rather have time to relax at home in the evening rather than work late, to be a homemaker because you love caring for your children rather than working to pay someone else to do it for you, to live on a modest income because you enjoy the simple, calm lifestyle an undemanding career can bring.

It means doing what you /want/ to do, regardless of whether the world considers it a good or a bad thing.

Speaking for myself, I have learned that time for family and extracareer activities is incredibly important to me. I enjoy gardening. Hiking. Doing genealogy. Crocheting. Baking whole wheat bread from scratch, and watching people's expressions ease when they step into the house and smell the aroma of good things in the oven. Sitting in the evenings with a good book and my cat (or my nephew or both) on my lap. Pottering around the internet.

It took me a long time to recognize that these were as valid things to want to do, as wanting to be rich, or famous, or influential; I always simply assumed that self-fulfillment naturally lay down a road of high-paying, time-gobbling jobs of the sort lauded on TV and popular culture. That my lack of enthusiasm for such a lifestyle was some sort of failing on my part.

It wasn't. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

WayStone

Underachiever.

un�der�a�chieve (ndr--chv)
intr.v. un�der�a�chieved, un�der�a�chiev�ing, un�der�a�chieves

To perform worse or achieve less success than expected.
-----------------------------------
under�a�chievement n.
under�a�chiever n.


Sounds so yucky, but I think we are all undereacheivers here. We are mostly highly intelligent people who are stifled when anxiety hits. We are kept from doing all the stuff we want to. I don't think it is some subconscience thing we do, I just think we could do so much more if we didn't have panic or depression.

Actually, maybe it is the cause of the overload in our brains. We have so many ideas that we crash and can do nothing.

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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)
Get out and walk...five minutes today, six minutes tomorrow...until you work your way up to 30-45 minutes and day and see how much better you feel in just a few weeks.

[This message has been edited by EastCobbGABetsyH (edited 10-20-2001).]

Lindi, it sounds like you were describing me. I come up with great plans and jump in all excited, can't wait to get started and the rapidly fizzle out. I think MY problem is a short attention span, unfortunately coupled with a mild dose of laziness. I'm in no way insinuating that you are lazy, just me! I'm good at planning . Bad at follow through. I have been stuggling with this for a long time. I don't feel anxious about the things I try to do and don't finish. I just stop feeling much interest in them at all. If you come up with any answers let me know.
Liz

Lindi-
I relate to your post. Me. Underachiever major! Or used to be. I discovered my motivation was tied very closely to my attitude towards myself. In the program when they talked about treating yourself like a good friend and loving yourself unconditionally - I realized that if I really loved myself, I would be motivating myself to achieve some of my goals. I, too, was a stay-at-home mom and loved it. But my anxiety was goading me to do a little more. I knew if I managed my time and energy better I could fit in some activities that would boost my self esteem. I'm still a stay-at-home mom but I have a morning exercise routine, a part time job helping others, a small weekly church duty (the bulletin) and a few other minor adjustments that have made a big difference in my self esteem and my energy level. I am doing more and feeling more energetic and emotionally healthier. I am working on increasing my involvement gradually because committment has always been scary for me. I like to be in control. Used to be when I start to feel out of control, I quit. Now I try to stay in the moment, job, or feeling a bit longer to condition myself to it. Starting small has given me little confidences I can build on. I feel like I'm being a good friend to myself and a good role model for my kids. My husband comments on how much I have grown and it all serves to motivate me more. But the difference is... I used to do things to try to feel good. Now I feel good so I naturally want to do things. Self love is powerful. It taps into an energy source that makes you want to see what you're made of. And the best part is - if you fall short, there's no price to pay, only love and support waiting to encourage you to try again!

procrastinate (pro-kr�s�te-n�t�, pre-) verb
procrastinated, procrastinating, procrastinates verb, intransitive

To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

verb, transitive
To postpone or delay needlessly.
[Latin procr�stin�re, procr�stin�t- : pro-, forward. See PRO-1 + cr�stinus, of tomorrow (from cr�s, tomorrow).]
- procras�tina�tion noun
- procras�tina�tor noun

Now 33 years old.

Lindi, I can definitely relate to all you said. (By the way, I think Reena's Horshak reference refers to a show called "Welcome Back, Kotter", which was on the air years ago and had a dorky character named Horshak who would raise his hand like that in class!) Feeling like an underachiever may even be at the root of my anxiety. I always wanted to be a writer, but could never motivate myself to stick to it enough to sit down and write anything. I have two college degrees, but was really just good at going to school and doing what others told me - I never had any realistic career goal in mind, even though I did train to be a counselor, ironically enough. Perhaps it's fear of failure that has made me an underachiever, or I could point the finger at my parents and say the pressure I always felt from them to achieve made it impossible for me to do so. I'm a stay at home mom with 3 kids, and I know part of my anxiety and depression comes from the feeling that there's got to be more in my life, even though I love my children and I'm grateful I can be here for them. I want to be superwoman, with a successful career, well-adjusted children, adoring husband, and handle it all with calm and confidence - but instead, I'm an underachiever, and maybe the bottom line is, I am too lazy, unmotivated, and afraid! (oh-oh, gotta change those negative thoughts!)

Nori

Nori got it! I'm only in my 30's. Was it that long ago? I loved Horseshack. Wow, there are so many great posts here. Good topic too, Lindi.

I just wanted to respond to Nori, if I could. At the end of her post she said, "I want to be superwoman, with a successful career, well-adjusted children, adoring husband, and handle it all with calm and confidence -..."

Wow, I would certainly drive myself to anxiety with expectations like that. Maybe thats why I have anxiety! LOL! I used to want all that except the superwoman with the career part. Trust me. That is striving for perfection and it doesn't exist. Maybe that was the point of your sentence. Ok, thats all. Now I just want healthy kids and family, and a sense of peace. Take care, Reena

Hi Reena,
Yes, it was that long ago - think about it, that was John Travolta's debut, and how long has he been around?! As far as my far out expectations go, you're right, I was being a little tongue -in -cheek, although not enough, apparently, because that's the part of me that leads me down the path of anxiety. My main goal while growing up was to have a happy family life as an adult since I felt the lack as a child, so I never did gear myself to be superwoman career-wise, although now that my kids are all in school, I feel that I need to do something productive with myself. I can hear my father telling me how I have wasted my education (and his money). I avoid going to college reunions because I think I'm the only one who hasn't done anything with her life, at least in terms of what society deems as achievement. Still, I wouldn't have done it any other way because I couldn't leave my kids with someone else - the dilemma of the modern woman.

Lindi, sorry for horning in on your post, but I think this is like a Pandora's box for me! I just want to say again that I understand your anger and frustration with yourself when you aren't able to finish what you started or do as much as you know you are able to do. Maybe we need to learn to be kinder to ourselves and not sit in judgment with our long should lists... I'm working on this!

Nori

Hi Lindi
I experience the same trouble as you when it comes to not following through with things. I experience it in jobs, my artwork(yep us anxious folks seem to be the creative types!) and in relationships with others. I think that the reason we have this problem is obviously from anxiety-but from behaviors that we learned growing up and how people reacted to us when we had failures(which are normal and should not be looked at as a negative thing) I think that as the prgram goes on we will find new ways to deal with this problem. Artists like us belong out and about taking on the town and I know how discouraging it can be when your fears and worries get in the way of such. Take care and will chat here sometime!!