HELLO,
I'm new to the form. On Session 5, but still obsessing over Session 4... a long time ago, I let someone off easy after that person hurt me. I was in a relationship one day, and then the next day the person was gone. We were so in love. But he had to end the relationship, and wouldn't give me any answers. So I didn't push, because I thought that wouldn't be "cool." I internalized the entire thing, got very sick, and struggled with the fallout for years. (That is when my anxiety attacks started.) Lo and behold, the situation has happened again. I found my soulmate (his words). It was all so real and wonderful. We talked or wrote e-mails daily. We couldn't bear to be apart. And then one day, he stopped calling or writing. It was weird. I had just read Session 4. So I was in turmoil. Could I really drop all expectations I had of this person? I went right back to that old, messed up relationship where I said nothing. I wanted to avoid making the same mistake. I felt so angry. How dare someone mislead me or disrespect me like this? I am trying, but honestly, I am having a lot of trouble. I realize life is not fair, but I seem to be baffled by these personal situations where people appear one way one day, and then completely change their tune the next day. It would be fine if it was about fashion preferences, sports, or some other topic where changing your mind is a given. But to engage someone's trust and then break it... how do I forgive that? How do I rationalize in a healthy way without internalizing the impact?
This is a challenge, but I want to find a way. Don't want to repeat past mistakes. But I must admit, part of me doesn't want this guy to get off smelling like roses. How can he treat other people this way??
I would greatly appreciate any insight anyone may have on how I can manage my expectations and deal with this in a healthy way.
Thank you,
--Bulldog

Wow! This is a toughie. But, to be honest with you, I was having similar relationship problems when I was going through the Program for the first time and the second and the third. All the same relationship. It was a "wrong" relationship and I knew it, but he was my "safe person" and the ONLY person that I felt I could talk to. I called myself a "leech" and I was very dependent on him. He moved 45 minutes away from me three years ago and changed our relationship. It seemed, basically, that he just kind of "dropped" me. This hurt me to no end. I was bitter. He was frustrated. Our friendship was very difficult and our relationship was very strained--to put it mildly. I had to find my self-esteem (something I was totally lacking for the majority of my 46 years on earth) and learn how to be assertive (something I knew absolutely nothing about. I either kept it quiet or I blew up.) I also had to figure out how to be independent. So, once I finally got myself straightened out, I apologized first for being a leech and being such a burden to him. Then, I told him what I thought about the way he had been treating me and how it was wrong; that our friendship could continue, but not the rest. We're doing pretty well, now.

Be patient. If you are a praying person, trust that God will answer your prayers in the proper way. Keep working on the Program. Think positive. It will all work out. If you need to tell this person off, the time will come along that you can do what you need to do in a proper sort of way. If not, blow it off and take it as a lesson learned. Forgive and forget sort of thing. Either way, you should be okay in the long run. Take care.

Thanks, drg.
I haven't signed on before, but I can see why it is helpful. To have a complete stranger come forward and give insight with such compassion--well, it meant a lot to me.
It was so surreal, to have someone tell me how amazing I am, how I changed his life... I fell and I fell hard for him. But now when I talk to him, it's like he won't even acknowledge that he said those words. It's like he wants to erase me from his life, and that hurts so so so much. I would at least have expected an explanation. I trusted him. Does he know how much he's hurt me? Does he even care?
You are right about being patient. I've come this far in the Program, and so I'm not going to give up. Perhaps this is a lesson that the Universe needs for me to learn. Self-esteem is something I've never had, so stuff like this just knocks me over ("What's wrong with me? It's all my fault," etc.). I end up lapsing into bad habits, like staying in bed all day avoiding dealing with things. Which doesn't help, because laying in bed just fuels my anxiety. If I can learn to be more positive, and not worry so much about what people think, maybe I'll be able to rise above this.
Anyway, thanks so much for reaching out. I'll hang in there.
Best regards...
Bulldog

I feel for you. Have you thought that this person might have some sort of internal struggle as well? Maybe this person is dealing with depression, stress too. Maybe not.

I have learned that through the years that the only person you can REALLY count on is YOU! Sure a significant other can be there, but they cannot do everything for us and the world does not turn because of them, because if they stop, so do we? NO! No one will be the perfect person we want them to be because those are OUR expectations...reality is, they are their own person though. Why internalize their decisions for you cannot control them? I would ask for an explanation, you are due that much. If one is not offered or the request is ignored, then maybe how honest and genuine was this person in the first place that they cannot even give you a reason? To me, credibility is shot, he is the one that is gutless! Even if he is oging through rough times, share those things so the other person can understand. Maybe he is internalizing his problems. As much as you would like to give it to him, forget about it. Why waste energy? Ask for a reason...if yu do not get one, just forget about him. I think what goes around, comes around...karma can come back and bite, so let Karma handle it. And as far as repeating a mistake, you did not make a mistake! I too have got myself into things that now I am stuck with, but I cannot hang on to that and see it as a mistake...it will eat me up and suck the life outta me. Sure it hurts, but I cannot let it devoure me. It is a life learning experience that may not be pleasant, but I need to look around and see that there are MANY other things that are pleasant in my life and count and focus on those blessings, not my shortcomings.

Thank you for the sound advice, schnauzermom.

There's a lot going on in my life that the program is definitely going to help with--such as the belief that my happiness relies on someone else! When I consider that all I have is ME, I get a little anxious. But then, I also have two dogs who, like bookends, are always there to prop me up.

It's also good to remember to be compassionate, as you suggested... I think this man definitely has some internal struggles and a lot of stress in his life. And that's just where he needs to focus his attention.

I did ask for an explanation, and the best he could do was to say that the most he can offer is friendship right now. So, why did he say all those loving words previously??? (No answer.) You're right, his credibility IS shot. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's true.

I also hadn't even considered that the whole thing wasn't my fault. (Good thing I'm doing this program.) Thanks for reminding me about mistakes being life-learning experiences! It just goes to show, you are never to old to learn. I'm 44 now, and in the back of my mind, I guess I'm worrying that I'll always be single. I've just never found that one person I want to be with. Maybe I'm too hard on other people, in addition to being too hard on myself! (Man, these expectations sure do cause roadblocks!)

The quote you gave me was such a gift--it is exactly the role anxiety and depression play together as FEAR in my life. What a miracle it would be to let go of the fear and start living life fully!

I am so glad I finally signed on to this forum. And I hope one day that I can be as helpful to someone else as you were to me today.
--Bulldog

quote:

I hope one day that I can be as helpful to someone else as you were to me today.

Thanks! And you will be! I said the SAME thing to a couple of people here when I started...people gave, so if I can give AND be of help, ALL the better!

I also bet your bookends are adorable! These are mine...

Bulldog - I've been in this situation before as well - and I have one question. Are you expecting too much out of yourself? Call this guy and ask him why he stopped calling...You deserve to know why he told you one thing and acted another way - you may not get the truth but at least you have told him how you feel - I would advise to do it in a respectful way (by not screaming or swearing) - but you are just tourturing yourself by not saying something! Just be honest with him - you can be respectful and honest.

When I got into a situation where one of my boyfriends and I broke up and I didn't say anything - I also didn't want to appear "uncool" - but I also thought that if I told him how I really felt, it would ruin any chances of us ever getting back together again. Guess what - we never got back together again anyway. So when I have been honest, it makes me feel better - we may not have wound up together, but at least I've taken care of myself. (I have to say that I haven't always done this, but times that I have, I have felt a little better)

Bulldog - after some more thought, I got to thinking that if you already asked this guy why he stopped calling, it won't do any good to ask him again. However, you can honor yourself by feeling your feelings - even if they are anger, sadness, etc. If you do talk to him, you can even tell him how you feel without asking him why he did what he did. I'm a lot like you so I'm giving you the advise I wish people would tell me - and have told me. Someone once told me that anxiety can be a cap for anger - and depression can be anger turned inward on ourselves - I guess my whole point is that I think you are being too hard on yourself. It's so much easier to see when someone is doing it to themselves - when I do it to myself I don't notice I'm doing it. Does that make sense?