Why do some people think that they have to be mean to get respect, or try to demonstrate to others that they are superior?

At work today I had one man come in and be supremely rude - I was tough and defended my position with him, but as soon as he left tears came to my eyes. He really made me feel angry and upset.

After he left, I was lucky to have two nice women support me and remind me that he wasn't worth my time, and that he was a big windbag...It still took me about a half an hour to move forward - once I start to cry I will keep tearing up for a while even if in my head I realize it is not worth it...How can I get this emotional reaction under control faster? I don't mind crying really, I feel it shows I am passionate and human, but I would like to be able to reign it in when I want...

The rest of the night I made a deliberate effort to notice all the nice people I dealt with. Guess what - everyone else for the rest of the night was NICE! I'm talking about more than 50 nice people! How incredible is that? What is sad is how much the ONE negative person can leave such an impression.

Anyone have any tips on how to recognize someone who is not being nice as it happens, so that you can brush it off before your emotions and defenses kick in? Sounds like a dumb question, but sometimes you think you are dealing with a rational, intelligent person, and it is in retrospect that you recognize them for what they really are - a bully and a negative person.

THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO BE POSITIVE - it makes a big difference!

Heather

I think that most people that are mean are really just hiding behind their insecurities. Others may just be having a bad day. I just try to tell myself that I have no idea what is going on in their life to make them so mad, but I feel bad for them that they go through life like that. I definately think it is an insecurity thing though.

I don't really know how to get that sort of response under control, I think either you react that way to a stupid/ignorant person or you dont. But those type of people really are not worth your time at all. Those people have such horrible things going on inside of them-they take it out on everyone else. I work with someone like that. The second she is unhappy EVERYONE else better be too, and you know what I won't even pay her any attention anymore and I feel way better for it. So try and stay strong we all have our own battles to fight and someone like that isn't worth worrying about.

Thanks Jdub and DisneyGirl - I think you are both right. The more I react, probably the happier these people are as they see the power they have to get a reaction.
No reaction is no fun for them, so I won't let it get me angry.

Thanks for the support!!!
Heather

I have 3 word for these people:
Inadequate
Insecure
Inferior
Note how all three begin with "I"- these IDIOTS like to think the world revolves around them. It's a sign of narcissism, poor leadership, and terrible manners! (I can only imagine what Emily Post would say... ).
fischee

I love the three I's fischee...manners especially - to come in looking for help and then be so rude.

Thanks for your post!

Heather

That is fabulous fischee!!! Wow those 3 I's really describe some personalities around me and it does make sense why they are so mean and always looking for miserable company.....

Have a fabulous day.

I do agree with Fischee; people who are mean probably they are in rut and can't with stand the fact that they are drowning in their own misery,so they tend to spread it around. You don't have to be mean to be assertive. Always remember a whisper beats a shout. When I see a person trying to be mean @ me, I just laugh and tell myself he's or she's the one with the problem, if he or she can't control his/her anger or attitude.

I deal with rude people quite often in my job. I don't cry, but after they go away I can have a pretty good anxiety attack. Most of it is because I hate confrontation and it's really hard for me to be assertive. I find that practicing the six steps and comforting myself, by reminding myself that of course I'm upset I just dealt with a terrible problem. Somehow that seems to help me to calm down.

Most people I have encountered that are jerks really do not matter to me on a personal level, so why should I care how they are? Sure they may rude, but I cannot control their personal/behavioral/social skills and issues. They ARE what they ARE . I usually will gravitate away from them if in a crowd of people or if I am in a store I KNOW that my exposure time with them is isolated in that store and most likely I will never see the jerk again so why should I allow them to leave a lasting impression on me? These people come in and end up outta my hair as quickly as they came in. They have no personal meaning in my life, I will not have close interaction with them. Like in one of the lessons, the guy that was treated badly by someone. Well HE was thinking about that person, but that person that mistreated him is LONG gone and most likely not even thinking about him or what happened. It does not good to hang on to things. People will be jerks, that is fact. We also have the ability to NOT allow these people to get to us.


I see plenty of them at the store. Those that are yacking on their cell phone at the grocery check out while the line is growing longer and more impatient as the cashier is waiting for payment...the person that blows their gasket over a pricing error (hello! the cashier is NOT responsible for it, take it over to the customer service desk and just get your quarter back!) On the roads, I have had minivan moms honk at me and give me a "finger up" because I was not driving fast enough. (she has a minivan full of kids speeding down the road at 65 mph in a 50 zone! Mind you I am doing about 55.) I also LOVE some that drive in and out of our church... it is like funny car races when some pull out of the parking spaces out and gets to be almost demolishion derby like with people cutting other people off to get into a line of cars literally going nowhere because of the stop light. (we usually wait 15 minutes after service as all the race drivers have left the lot)

I saw a woman treat a coffee barrista like the poor girl was her personal coffee chef...one and a half sweet and lows, out about a 1/3 cup of skim and 1/3 cup whole milk, stir it like "this", blah, blah, blah. It was not what that woman said, but HOW she said it...it was very condescending. I am not sure what made the woman think she was better than the girl making her coffee, but I think the only thing that separated the 2 was is that the woman is married to someone that can support her lifestyle of not working (the woman had a honking HUGE engagement /wedding band set along with other pieces of jewerly, designer sunglass and handbag) and the coffee barrista was supporting herself and probably putting herself through college. (as a matter of fact, she attends the college where I go)

So I have to agree with Fishcee on these types. This woman clearly appeared to be a poor mannered narcissist that probably feels inadequate, insecure and inferior. All that glitz justifies her and her poor manners or maybe she feels she in entitles to be that way? Maybe she is not even aware she is being poor mannered? Whatever the case these people are in and out so quick there is NO reason to allow these types of leave such a lasting impression. NO reason.

I have someone in my extended family that is is way. She used to get under my skin. I used to have to pop klonopin like candy when she was over. She shows NO respect for my or my husband. I will be cordial to her, I will not nit pick with her, but I will tell her when she has gone far enough. (she slams others but fails to acknowledge she and her family have had the SAME shortcomings. We all are NOT perfect regardless how good she thinks she is and THAT is what I toss back at her to have her put her foot in her mouth.) That usually will shut her down . My husband does not like conflict (who does?) but I am tired when she goes too far. Some things I can let go because her opinion of me does not matter anymore (I have no respect for her so what do I care what she thinks? The reason I have no respect for her is because of the things she has said and done and the things she continues to do. I can forgive, but she keeps doing the same thing. I keep her at arms length.)She has a tendency to be overly critical about everyone while she boasts about ALL the great things she has been doing, all the fancy people she knows, the luncheons, etc. She devalues other people for who they are, what they do, their life choices, their ethic background, makes people feel uncomfortable, inferior and builds herself up while she tears others down.(can we say narcissist?) She also is VERY controlling and usually it is HER way or NO way. She has alienated her kids, other family, grandkids, most everyone around. When she was in the hospital, one would expect with all the people she knows and talks about all the time, the room would have been filled with cards, balloons, flowers and even visitors. Well besides family, 2 other people came. Guess she is not as "important" as she makes herself out to be. She has made it know that when she was little, back when the war was going on, she was called a "good for nothing gypsy". To this day she it trying to justify that she is better than that 6-7 year old "good for nothing gypsy" walking the streets begging for food and money.

I now understand WHY she is this way and do not let her actions bother me. I still do not respect her for treating people the way she does and also accept I will not change her. She is what she is, she is a family member that I need to keep at a distance and that is just the way it is. No more anxiety. I see that I do not need to impress her, live up to her expectations, live as she lives. If she does not accept me for me, that is NOT my problem and I know I can't change that. I still can live my life knowing that I really AM a good person regardless what she thinks.

schauzermom -

I agree with you completely about what you have said. In fact, what you said sounds so much like something that I would say!

But here is the painful truth - all the people you just talked about DO NOT CARE! The mean people do not care. The rude people do not care. The stupid people do not care.

But here is the question: How can we give up this hopeless battle against mean/stupid/rude?

I don't have an answer! I am hoping to obtain these sorts of skills in this program.

K

Problem is ppl like us are sensitive and care what others think. We dont treat ppl with disrespect and are always trying to do whats best. Having to work with ppl that u cant ignore and must do business with is the worst. But I have found that most know they are pushing your buttons. I have been mean back .. didnt really work. Acting like I could care less and do my own thing did more. Once I had some success at this it helps me not to worry so much about it. Of course there are the nice ones that stab u in the back too. LOL

quote:

But here is the question: How can we give up this hopeless battle against mean/stupid/rude?

If someone does not care enough to show respect to another human being, ME included, I am NOT going to extend that same courtesy to them. That does not mean I have to be ignorant to them, but I either can keep those that are in familia circles at arms length and realize that I cannot have any type of expectation or hope for them to be any other way than they way they are. For those other mean people that do not care, SCREW EM! I do not care about them either. I cannot control them, but I can control me. I do not have to wallow in the same muck pit at they are. MY choice! If they want to make enemies, have at it. The rude people, well they lack moral characteristics and basic values. I had that happen over the weekend waiting in line at the ice cream shop. This family that was just hovering around (all 6 of them) at the counter and the middle of the store just ups and cuts in front of us. Yes they were in the store before us, but clearly were NOT in line. Obviously the poor saps do not have a clue how to form a line. That will bring other challenges for them at one time or another. Whatever. It is just another 10 minutes we waited. If that was important to them to have, so be it. I believe karma will come around and reward them for ignorance and rudeness. Well the stupid people, they just can't help it. (maybe that was the issue with the ice cream people?) Whatever the case, I cannot change them, but CAN change how I react to them. Sure I could have caused a sense by calling the on the carpet, but why? I have chosen not to allow all those stupid, mean, rude people to make an impact on me. I cannot change them. I can count my blessings that I do have social wits and knowing that I do not have to allow anyone to affect me in a negative manner. I CAN CHOSE THIS! Why do I need to get upset and ruin MY moment? Because of a person I do not see often or may not even ever see again? It is NOT worth it.