Hi- I don't know how to stop expecting so much. I have been dating a guy for a little over 2 months and keep telling myself that I dont care what happens with it even though deep down, I know I want something serious w/ this guy. I keep worrying that if it doesnt work out- I am going to have an extremely hard time since I want it to work out so badly. I'm worried this behavior is going to eventually ruin me and any other relationships. ANy advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

Relationships are tough to give advice on, as they are so personal.

All that I can suggest is to keep recognizing that you are expecting things to happen, rather than letting them. Just by the simple act of catching yourself at expecting you can begin to question deeper thoughts to why you want things in a certain way. That separation can lead to journaling things that can be realistically attained (i.e. goals), like planning out things that you guys enjoy to do together and the unrealistic things like "why don't I feel this way" or "why didn't he do _______?"

Keeping a good outlook about ourselves and using compassionate self-talk will allow us to stop putting our own emotions and unrealistic expectations on anyone else. That will free us to use our excess positive energy on doing things that improve our lives and will spill over to everyone else in our lives!

Keep working and good luck!

-Eric

As much as you want this to work, one cannot force anything to work whether it is a relationship, jobs, clients, friends.

Maybe look at it this way. Tell yourself that YES this guy is nice and I am glad that I have the opportunity to go out with him and get to know who he is. Be MORE interested in him and what he stands for as a person, learn as much as you can about him. Do not look forward into the future (moving in together, marriage, kids, etc) just enjoy HIM in the NOW, enjoy his company. If something developes, GREAT!
Try not to make him your entire life either. Go out with friends, family, co-workers, do not have your life revolve around him. I remember doing that for 1 guy I TOTALLY was in love with, I would do ANYTHING for him (man in unform )...that just made him NOT appreciate me because I was there at the drop of a hat, but when I wanted to spend time with him...he was "busy"....and I was just CRUSHED. I learned not to get ga-ga over men from then on. I took each and every date back then as just that with nothing in mind besides "The guy is nice and it would be nice to have another date." My husband actually asked me to move in with him after 2 months of knowing him and then a year later with no prior mentions, NOT even a peep he asked me to marry him! Yeah, I though about it prior to, that he was a great guy and that I can see being married to him, but I never got the ga-ga-gitties about dresses and places for the wedding, reception, flowers, kids names, homes, future plans, etc, etc. I let him take the lead with the asking to move in, marriage talk. I was enjoying the time I spent with him, getting to know him, laughing. I knew I never wanted to hurt, so I SAW what I did before to CRUSH me and I changed my thoughts and behaviors. I told myself that if it works great, if not that is ok too, it is a learning experience and that I CAN and WILL be fine. I did not allow myself to get head over heels for a guy, I did not trust him 100% because of what happened in my past, I was more interested in WHO he was, what made him tick, what he thought, felt, liked, disliked. I had several guys that ended up just turning into friendships because either the guys or I felt that way after getting to know one another. 2 months is not long enough to get to know someone...I went with someone for a couple of years, got an apartment with him and found out he was a completely different person than what I thought or knew. Maybe since you seems really into this guy, step back and let him take the lead. Some guys just wanna date, some just wanna have fun and others really want something meaningful. Right now, it may be hard to tell what his intentions are so just go out, get to know him and have a great time, enjoy his company, have fun, laugh, smile, giggle...no strings! I never had any expectations for the relationship with my husband 12 years ago....this year will be 10 years of marriage! If it is right and meant to be, it will be! Just be calm, be yourself, no pressures, no fuss.

Thanks for your reply Snauzzermom- My question for you is: Were you healed of your anxiety before you got married? How long did it take you to overcome your anxiety/depression? I guess I will try to not expect much and take it day for day and stop looking into the future so much. Your right, he could totally turn out to be someone I really am not into. As of now, nothing seems to bother me about him, but you never know. Thanks for your support!! Talk toy ou soon-
julie

I think I had anxiety/depression to some various degrees in my life, but it was not constant, it waxed and waned through my teen years. (father was an alcoholic) I had more if it after we got married but again nothing that stopped me in my tracks, I just thought the feelings were normal with the stresses of living this new life(step parenting stuff was new to me) and just being married to someone, and a very unstable, emotionally explosive ex-girlfriend mother of my step daughter. After our marriage, the daughters mom, well that is another story...that was my real first expereince of feeling seriously sad and worried that got worse, I never felt that trapped and scared. I thought this too was normal for someone going through the stuff I was dealing with. I talked to a Dr. and he gave me an AD med, did not do much and I just stoped it. Same thing happened a little later, another med prescribed and nothing. I "got better" on my own by getting busy with anything, I just kept my mind on other things. Then the "BIG" motherload of all anxiety hit me 7 months after moving and having a blood clot, I became an anxious agoraphobic hyprchondirach and extremely depressed. Got meds and "talk" therapy, felt better, got off meds, lost my father and the whole crap started again with the exception of terrible agoraphobia and hypochondriasis. I knew what this was this time, but the med Zoloft made me sick and anxious for weeks so needless to say, I stayed home until the med stablized. I guess I have had this anxiety and depression stuff for 10 years that noticably affected my life to one degree or another that the Dr. gave meds. I know it was a problem before that, but I somehow was so involved in protecting my mother and sister that I had no time to deal with my stuff, so until the dust settled, it never really got a chance to surface. I think back at somethings I did and it spells depression...like staying at home for days as an early teen, sleeping ALOT. I worked alot too as a teen so I would not have to be home and because my dad did not buy us clothes, even at 14 years old. There was stuff that as a child I should not have be subject to, had to do, but I did because no one else would.

Goodness Julie! I cannot tell you HOW much I loved that Navy guy! I adored him, I really loved him. I wanted so much for it to work with him. He was a good bad country boy from PA. He completely crushed me...he told me to go back to the barracks and get some money, his car keys out of his nightstand and we would go out after he was off. (he was an aircraft mechanic) My cousin and I went back there and there was a pic of a girl with writing on the back and a love note from her describing too much for just a friendship. Maybe it was on purpose, may not because he was disorganized, but I saw it. After that it was over. After that experience, I trusted men less , had less expectations. I still got hurt in latter replationships, not as bad though. I really just said I was not gonna do that again, I just said I will go out, REALLY get to know the guys BEFORE I get all emotional and crazy for them. Sure I liked guys, but that is the way it started out from there on. I really guarded myself by NOT getting my emotions involved, by NOT having any expectations that having some great company, great laughs and if all else fails, a good friend. I tied to keep myself interested in THEM as people, not as potential mates. That is how my sister and her husband started out. That is how my husband and I started out. A friend told me about a "great" guy and I was like yeah, they are all great! I met him and he wanted to exchange #'s. I just said here is mine, I did not get his because I had NO expectations. He called, I got his number from him then and we went out again. I let him take lead. I knew he was a nice guy, and I KNOW I was a great catch, so if he wanted me for who I am, then he would keep calling and wanting to get together. He kept calling, then I started to initiate the phone calls to him too. I did not play hard to get, he knew I enjoyed his company and I made SURE he knew it by giving him compliments, smiling at him. I was just being me, he was just being him and things just clicked. No expectations, no pressure. If it is meant to be, love will just happen.