I just started lesson 4 and I feel trapped, so I need help with my reasoning. How far down are we supposed to lower our expectations? And if we do...aren't we being negative? I get the thing with making goals smaller and I admit that I am a person that has a huge problem with goals. I think its like the workbook says that I'm afraid of failure and self-loathing so I avoid the goal-making to avoid failure, but that then raises anxiety because I'm not meeting expectations. How do I get off this Merry-go-round?

And if I expect things to be not-so-wonderful, doesn't that blow my positive self-talk out of the water? I'm open to suggestions. Somehow I think I'm missing something and it may be as plain as the nose on my face. Like I said , I just started this lesson so I'm seeking some guidance. Thanks all.

Pilgram,
I to had huge expectations, most of my life, and when i couldnt meet them, i felt like a failure. But, finally figured out, we do baby steps with goals. And everytime we meet a small goal, it gives us confiendece to set one a little higher. Also, i was setting so many huge future goals, and couldnt even complete a daily goal, lol.Soooo, i started setting daily goal, small ones and built on that.It feels so much more rewarding when you meet a daily goal,(like doing something you fear, or even attempting something you fear) you can pat yourself on the back and reward yourself for doing that, and it it not only builds your confidence, but you begin to have more positive thoughts as well. Dont know if this helps but this has been my experience take care, Nelly

This is hard to understand. I don't know if I can add to what Nelly has said, it was very good. Lowering expectations doesn't mean lowering drive or desire to achieve. It simply means taking the pressure off of ourselves to achieve, taking the internal stress off. By not expecting so much, but still putting in drive and ambition, we aren't let down nearly as much if we don't succeed. We don't build our hopes up so high that if we fail we see the whole thing as a total disaster and see ourselves as worthless, incompetent, etc. Instead we pat ourselves on the back for making the effort for having the courage to try. It's a much more positive energy. Failure will occurr. How we view it will determine if we recover and how quickly we recover and move on. As Lucinda says, successful people have had many setbacks, many failures, but they didn't view it as the end of the world. They knew how to fail successfully. They learned from it and moved on. That's all.

Lowering your expectations does not mean being negative. It means bringing them to a level that is realistic (people like us sometimes set their goals too high because of unrealistic expectations which sets them up for failure).

Setting goals is an art, part of which is managing the expectations that you set (forget what everyone else's expectations are, these are your goals and not theirs). With practice, you will learn to set goals that make you "stretch" but still have a good chance of succeeding.

Make sense?

I want to give a big thanks to all of you.I am trying to understand this and all of you are helping. As it mentions on the tape...some of this may be my "black & white" thinking process.

I will try the baby steps and the positive talk for even the little stuff. Come to think of it,perhaps my internal belief system has downplayed these little things to the point where my self-talk is " Thats just a little thing,that doesn't count, or you don't deserve any credit for that" I listened to the tape over lunch for the second time and picked up on the idea of changing our "belief system", so I'll start working on that.

Also,I will try to learn to "fail successfully"...now theres an oxymoron that my mind doesn't want to accept.My mind says Failure=Bad, Success=Good. I guess I need to relax and learn, when I fail, and know I'm making progress.

And I guess I need to go to art school. I'll start with drawing stick figures I really liked that idea...setting goals is an art.And yes, it makes sense. Looks like my expectations are out of balance and I need to bring them to the center. I always thought I was a realist, but methinks I was mistaken. Any more advice?

Thanks again.

I was wondering if you feel the expectations of yourself are similar to those of others around you. I mean, think of the expectations you ahve of others. Do you expect your best friend to achieve something on the first try? Or would you encourage him/her ot try it again or try a different strategy. Do you expect your best friend to make it to the top in half the time of others? Or would you tell him/her that her own pace is just great and things will work out in their own time. Now do you apply those same encouraging statements/ beliefs to yourself? Would you tell your best friend that she is a miserable failure for not measuring up? OF course not. So, its also about being compassionate to ourselves as well. Sorry have to jump off here.

Reena

I'm having a terrible time with this as well, I've been on this tape for TWO MONTHS... I tried moving to the next tape, but I really cannot master this one.

I grew up in the business world: expect more. get more. that's the way it is.

Don't expect anything of people - then you won't be disappointed? Should I expect my sisters to hurt my feelings.. I know my anxious feelings I battle... like being afraid I might have a panic attack if I go to the same place I had one last. I can understand the logic there. I just don't know how to turn things around in every situation. I can't just *stop* being a perfectionist in one week.

Sometimes these tapes really get on my nerves. There aren't any exercises to help with this. Just identifying it and listening to people all talk about their success doesn't help me solve my own problems.

Maybe subconsciously I'm doing better, but having no way to measure, I feel like I'm stuck.

Gina,
There will always be hurtful situations in our lives hon. And chances are your family or a friend will hurt your feelings, but its how YOU deal with that, NOT them. I know peoples expectations are high for others and themselves but when it comes right down to it, we should do what WE need to do, not what others EXPECT us to do. For instance, start by setting small goals for yourself, not hard ones. You can always build off those, and even no one else recognizes your achievement, you recoginize it, give yourself a hug or pat on the back for and tell yourself , "im very proud i did that". When we set our expectations to high on others ourselves and let society try and set our expectations for us, we get in lots of trouble, and then anxiety, anger, depression etc.set in. Know what you want to do, get there in your timing, not everyone elses. Sometimes, we dwell on what others expect, instead of setting our own goals, Take care NELLY

Ginamarina,

I am still working on this expectation thing as well...and I agree with you that we can't stop being perfectionists in one week, but we can begin. I find it interesting that you have been on this lesson for 2 months and that you say you "cannot master it". Hmmmm...I hear you saying you want to "perfect" this lesson before you go on. Isn't that interesting. Perhaps your going to the next lesson would be a little step toward giving up your high expectation of getting this lesson down perfectly. I have found in the few weeks since I did this lesson that I am beginning to be aware of my higher expectations by being alert to when I feel disappointed. When I do feel that let-down feeling, I step back and analyze( which we all are so talented at) and ask...whats going on here ? Why am I disappointed ? Did I set myself up again by having those high expectations?

Are you journaling ? It does help to sort things out. I wrote that I need to put another ending on the "movie" in my mind. Instead of having a big dramatic ending...just tone it down to a nice ending. Then if it doesn't work out, you won't be nearly as disappointed...or maybe not at all. Thats how I'm working toward understanding this lesson...and I'm still working on it. I'm not perfect and will have to keep working on this whole program for a long time. Repeat after me: I'm not perfect, I don't understand this lesson completely, and I'm okay with that and I'm moving on." I will keep improving. I am very intelligent,I am talented,and I'm making progress.
I hope those lines made you smile.

I also sense some negative thinking going on...remember how critical Lucinda said lesson 3 is? Its the cornerstone. I'm still astounded at how negative my thinking is and I'm working hard at putting the stop sign up and challenging each negative or scary thought that I have.

Sorry I didn't get right back to you. Was away at a wedding last week. I had several adrenalin rushes then, but I knew what they were and how to handle them. I gave myself permission to be anxious in the situation, completely normal to be so, and I was fine.I tried to treat myself with compassion...try it on yourself when you are "expecting" so much of yourself and others. See if it helps...be your own best friend.

Let me know what you think and how you're doing.
Best to you in recovery.....Pilgrim

I was beginning to think I was alone on this module, but wow ....I am not. I am finding the list serve to be such a big help; as I tackle my lessons. Thank you for reminding me to take the little steps. I always look at the "Big " picture and then get lost wondering how I got there....Why because I never looked at the Path. I just jumped right in.

Arlene

Arlene,

You are not alone. And I think that this lesson is one of the hardest to "get". I'm still not quite sure how to lower my expectations and still have high goals, but I'm working on it and future lessons do help clarify your thinking.Its not all going to fall into place at once. Remember what the workbook and tapes say...we've been practicing our negative thinking, high expecting, mental beatings, and scary obsessing for months, maybe years. Its going to take time and effort and practice and reprogramming for us to learn these new skills. Don't be discouraged...keep at it...the sky will clear. I'm already planning to start right back into the course with tape one when I finish. There are so many new behaviors to learn and turn into good habits.

Best in recovery....Pilgrim

Pilgram,

My coach brought some perspective to the goal setting and expectaions. After writing all the shoulds sort out what is mine and the ones that are mine write into goals.After the goals are written just assign each a date 1 yr, 3yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc . The goals that are priority write actions for. I am slowly getting through this, but I know I can continue this through out the program. One step at a time. than you
Arlene

This is still hard for me to grasp sometimes. I think maybe it's how we perceive success and failure, not the actual events perhaps? One person thinks they have to have all As and if they get a B, and God forbid, a C, they start to come unglued. Another person wants to get all As, but if they get a B, or perhaps one or a few Cs, it's not the end of the world. I think much of it is in how we perceive failures or what we consider failures and how we perceive success. I think it's perceiving events as the glass half full or half empty and also it's about control. Do I need to be in control at all times, and if so, why? (I am one of those who wants to be in control at all times, unfortunately.)

I am still learning on this one for sure because failure is not fun for me, but I am not as afraid to risk as I was. I do see in your writing, Pilgrim, that you have a good attitude toward all of this and I encourage you to continue in the same thought process that you are currently in. I think it is healthy.

Would the "80/20" rule apply to expectations? I think it mostly applies to management where 20% of efforts produce 80% of the results. Here's a quick overview I found:

http://www.aafp.org/fpm/20000900/76the8.html