I have completed the program and have made some wonderful changes. One thing I am STILL having a VERY difficult time with though is driving. I have my good days and my bad days. Well the other night, my best friend said some things to me that really upset me and even made me cry. I'm already humiliated enough about my driving limitations, and she got upset at me for not showing up at her husband's birthday party because I was NOT comfortable driving that far [ 30 minutes away.] Originally she had agreed to meet me half way but then cancelled that plan at the last minute. Even though I knew I would have anxiety with THAT plan, I was willing to do it, but when I found out she wanted me to drive the ENTIRE way, I was like NO WAY. Thing is she KNOWS how uncomfortable I am with this as well as the whole anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia thing. She claims that she's been thru it too, but I would be willing to bet money that hers was not as bad as mine and did not last nearly as long as mine has. She basically feels that I need to just GET OVER IT and drive anyway. Just because it's her husband's birthday party, doesn't mean that I'm going to just magically get over it enough to drive all the way there. I feel I need to take steps toward that goal. Anyway she acted as if I ruined her husband's entire birthday party by not showing up even though I NEVER SAID I was going to come after she'd cancelled plan A. She then upset me further by making a joke about my age[26] in co-relation with me having my parents drive me to an upcoming appointment that is also 30 mintes away. I know that she wants the best for me, but I think she went about it wrong. She's normally very sensitive, but I think she's HAD IT with my anxiety. I really believe that people who have never been thru this before [ to at least a somewhat intensive degree ] just do NOT UNDERSTAND.

Possibly, it was her intention to not drive you half way the whole time. Perhaps she was trying to force an issue, getting you to drive. Sometimes, even the people we think have our best interests at heart, really do not. If she truly had any issues with anxiety, than she would know how delicate certain issues are. You did not ruin the party; and for her to put that on you is really unfair. It sounds like this friend of yours is enjoying your insecurities and making sport of it. I think it is very nice that your parents are willing to help you and drive you to your appointment. What do you think she was trying to do by "making fun" of you for that. Was she telling this to others to embarrass you? Is she truly a friend? It is amazing to me because I am experiencing a very similar issue. I am not driving at all; so I congratulate you on your courage to drive half the way, and any time you are in the car. We'll get there. It is going to take some time. But I would think about what friendship means to you. Would you do to her, what she did to you. My guess would be no. You are a caring and compassionate person. I don't think that this is a point to overanalyze and chase down, understanding is not always the answer. Do not blame yourself for any of this. Do not let this person have the power over you. She doesn't sound like a friend to me. A friend should love and respect you unconditionally, just as you should for yourself. Keep working the program.
Linda

well some people just have the ability to get over things easier that others, my sister never understood what i was going through until she found out that her husband is going to be shipped out to iraq in september. Then she had a bad anxiety attack, but she has the ability to bounce back and forget all about it. I on the other hand dont, i would sit there all the time waiting for my next one.
You can not expect every one to understand and i think 9 out of 10 people wont. You just have to deal with it, and if she is not a good enough friend to be understand that you are different from her, and that she cant just be there for you, maybe you should stay away for awhile, you need people around that are going to try to help you not kick you down.
Jennifer

becbeliever-

I think that a review of lessons 4 & 7 are in order. I have learned to not expect anything from anyone when it comes to anxiety b/c as we all know, if you haven't walked in the shoes, you don't know how it feels. I do not feel this is worth ending a friendship over and I would really suggest you talk about this with her. Once that is done you can move past this and get back to working on the driving and possibly see that the person that allowed you to get upset was yourself (we choose our own reactions) and I have a feeling that you were so upset b/c you didn't try. This all comes from a place of understanding as driving is and has been my achilles heel for a long time. I finally have figured out that if I keep telling myself that I have a problem with driving....I'll keep having a problem with driving. I am starting to change the perception (what I tell myself) of driving. And that goes for everything else we would like to avoid. Have you tried the 'driving with comfort tape' that the MWC sells? I have a couple of tips that might help you along:
1) Listen to music or the MWc tapes while driving
2) Keep pen and paper with you so when you are stopped in traffic or by a train you can write down your feelings of anxiety (this helps to release them)
3) Keep water with you
4) Have a magazine to thump through for times when you are stopped in traffic
5) An audio book to listen to while driving is a great distraction
6) A pen to click (helps to release energy)
7) Counting by 2's or 4's (any multiples as this takes some work by our brain and we can only do one thing at a time so if we are counting, we aren't thinking about anxiety)
8) Try just enjoying the view...this keeps you in the moment

There are so many things we can do, you just need to find whichever works for you. And the most important thing is to not berate yourself over these limitations. Ackowledge, accept, allow and move forward.

Silvana

Thanks everyone for your responses to this. I really appreciate it. One of the things that upset me the most was that I felt like she wanted me to overcome this in HER timing and for at least partially selfish reasons. She was upset saying that she is the one who has been coming to see ME for the past 6 months since I won't drive out that way, but what she neglected to realize was that before all this stuff started [ the fear of driving far ] I had mostly been the one who would drive to see HER for like over 3 years ! If I talk to her about this, she will get very upset, and I don't want to make her cry [ even though she made ME cry.] I don't want to hurt her feelings. That's why I'm sharing this with you guys - cause you understand me. I know this is going to affect our friendship if there aren't some changes soon.

Maybe she's right, you do need to get over it. Perhaps it's that simple even... I however, struggle with my limitations everyday. I couldn't get on an airplane for a million dollars right now. But I will be able to. Hopefully by this time next year. My point is you do need to get over it... and you are! Little by little at your own pace. Recall the program. Don't let her "Should all over you" don't let her make you feel guilty. With all the blame she is putting on you, she is using your condition against you. I would bet that she has become accustom to doing that. Sure you're a pain in the ass to deal with, so am I, so is she, everyone is in some way or another. And so what if you are 26 years old and your parents are driving you around a little bit, that's between you and your parents. I'm 29 years old and I don't like driving with other people, or driving with other people with me, not even my fiance' who lost his drivers licence a few months back. But I survive, and there is a lot of very good things about me. I won't get into name calling, but if I did I would have a few for her!

GMARIEG,

Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. It's a tough situation because she is my BEST and CLOSEST friend. Although lately I am not feeling very close to her. I haven't called her, and I don't plan on it right now. I need some time to think things over. I am sure she will call me soon though. This whole thing has made me start feeling hesitant to get too close to anyone

Believing in yourself is the one of the most important tools you have right now. If you look at your relationship objectively and without emotion for 1 second, you will probably recognize that she hasn't been there for you for some time. Don't let her make you feel guilty for how you feel. I can sense that you feel bad for feeling the way you feel.....DON'T!
If she is staying away from you, to see what you will do, she is only punishing herself, not you. You need distance from this girl; it may give you some perspective; but don't overanalyze your actions to see how you could have done it better; you did it just fine. Lucinda says that sometimes, when we are on our road to recovery, some of our "friends" don't like it. They don't like to see the confidence, the assertiveness, the self love. They prefer us the way we used to be. It gives them more control. You are doing great! Don't let anyone take that away from you.
I just told a friend that I have had for over 30yrs how I have been feeling, and that I have been hearing the things she has been saying about me. I was assertive enough to let her know, but I was not strong enough to hear her reply; and she let me have it. She turned the conversation around to the point where she told me that she was tired of being everyone's whipping boy.(putting me in the same category as the other people in her life that have hurt her) I have been the one listening to her drama forever, but when I needed her to hear me, she took it defensively, as I knew she would. At the end of the conversation, I told her, that I think we need break; neutral corners. She said, "am I just supposed to wait until you are ready to talk?" I told her that true friendship goes beyond time, that I may not talk to her for a year, but when we were to talk, it would be without judgement, or guilt. What I am saying is that this friend of yours, may not be what you need right now. But do not be afraid of friendship, it can be quite rewarding. You will be ok. It takes time. Slow and steady wins the race. You are a winner. Believe. Linda

Linda,

Thank you so much for your encouraging response. '' Talking '' about it with you all has really helped me out a lot. A lot of the tension has decreased too. Hey congrats on standing up to your friend. Sounds like she has some issues she needs to sort out herself. If a person intimidates you [ not saying that was the case ] it makes it even harder to stand up to them. I have a few of those types in my life. Maybe your friend has not yet gotten used to the new you. Maybe she won't even like the changes you've made, but if she is a real friend, she will be happy for you. Perhaps taking some time from her to sort thru your thoughts and re-evaluate might be beneficial. The best to ya ! - BecBeliever.
PS. I read your response on the exercise question as well. THANKS

It always hurts whenever we have someone who isn't in our shoes pass judgements on our situation. It hurts even more when we feel like we are letting someone down. However, take care to recognize any guilt you might be feeling as a negative emotion. You know your limitations, and while it is essential to recovery to work on them, no one else has the right to make you feel bad for them. Hell, anyone with anxiety/panic feels bad enough already!

Still, even though your friend seems to have overreacted a bit (Come on, ruined her husband's birthday party? A bit harsh...), keep in mind that not everyone is going to be patient with us all the time. Once a lot of us realize this, it doesn't seem to hurt as much when people treat us this way. It almost forces us to rely on our OWN positive self talk to build us back up. Think about this: you were willing to go halfway to the destination. Were you always able to do this? If not, you can be proud of the progress you have made thus far. And one day you WILL be able to drive the full distance.

Good luck and I know you will get through it!

That is SO SWEET, thank you !

I had a really good friend a few years ago. when I was younger I used to drive to her house (45 mins) all the time. well we grew apart as people do when they start college and careers. She called me out of the blue one day about a year ago. she said her and her new boyfriend were moving to Nevada, we're east coast, and that she would like to see me before she left. I was happy for her and would have loved to see her. well because of my anxiety I put it off and put it off, then the night before she left she called she wanted to get together. I told her to come to my house and I would take her out to dinner, then she told me she sold her car and didn't have a ride, I would have to go get her. well I freaked. I was to embarassed to tell her about my suffering so I told her I would call her back. I called My boyfriend and he told me just to go. I thought he was being a jerk and that he knew I couldn't so there fore he didn't love me anymore. I went to my mother and balled my eyes out. She told me that he didn't mean it that he just wants whats best for me, I was gonna have to tell her. Instead I didn't call her back and I didn't go to see her. She's been gone for awhile now and I miss her terribly. My worst feeling is that she thinks I'm a real JERK! she must hate me for that night. But I know one day I will see her again and be capable of explaining.