Okay, this is the deal with my family..always has been this way..there are definte "favorites" for my mother concerning kids and grandkids. She doesn't hide the fact in her actions and apparently, I am the only one bothered by it..so I must need some help finding a healthy attitude towards this situation.

My mother visits and babysits for my sister on a regular basis, about 3-4 times a week. My sister has 4 children ranging from 3-10 and I have 3 ranging from 8-15. My sister used to work full-time until the last few years and my mom ran all over hell's half acre to watch her kids, get them to lessons, pre-school, appts, etc. My sister had an excellent job and her husband did as well. They were making double the amount my husband and I were at the time. I was strugglig financially and yet had to pay $120 a week for child care and my sister paid NOTHING!

I work for my father's business and my kids were off from school. I only really had to make arangements for my 8 year old, but when I approached my mom, she seemed put out so I worked out a schedule with my two sons to watch her, as I only work 2 blocks from home..when they had practice I took her to work with me. Yesterday, I asked her to watch my daughter because my boys had an overnight party and then had practice one right after the other..this covered the whole work day, so neither could help at all.
She said to call in the morning and when I did she wasn't home. My dad took her when he left and said he would track down my mom since having her there all day would be difficult. Well, he found her and guess where?? At my sister's babysitting because her husband and her wanted to go to Sam's Club and stock up on some stuff..she thought it would be too much to take all the kids so she went to watch them! GRRRRRR

Her favorites do include my 15 year old boy, but he is so busy with his sports and school that he doesn't have a lot of opportunity to be singled out, spoiled and all that she used to do at this time.

When they came for Christmas, my mom spent the whole time fussy over her three favorite grandkids ( the other two are my sister's 4 year old girl and her 10 year old son).

She favors my sister and she is the oldest and she likes male children better as a rule and so my two brothers get her attention as well. She would NEVER say anything to upset them or get in a bad light. She asks if anyone wants a glass of tea...they say yes..she runs to get it..I said yes as well..and she said.."I think you could get that yourself" and rolls her eyes. I tried to be assertive and say, "OH, I thought you were asking everyone, not just the males". Then she looks at me, with a look that could kill, and repies, "IF you are going to be shitty, go home". AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

So, my question is.... do I demand the respect that she gives others or do I let her treat me less special. I don't think I am "expecting" too much in wanting to be treated as well as she would treat any stranger on the street. The sad part is, the others borrow money and never repay it, they ask for her time constantly to do things for them. No matter how much I have struggled, I ask for nothing..and on the rare occasion that I have borrowed a minute amount of money, she has it back within a week or two. My sister over the past few years has borrow over 7000 for bills, vactions to disney world and just two months ago, a cruise and she NEVER pays it back.

Now they want us to come to my sister's house fo New Year's Day and naturally my kids want to go, but I feel so resentful right now..I don't know what to do. It is so complex, I CAN"T change someone that is 57 years old and I won't even try, but is it wrong to expect better treatment? If I go and "tolerate" the way it is..I leave feeling bad about myself and somehow inferior. If I stay away, I am being complicated and they all roll their eyes at me and act like I am the problem child! There are so many more examles I could give, but this sitution at times feels hopeless to me and I don't like to feel that way.

My mom does, on occasion, small acts of kindness towards me. She might buy a pair of shoes she loves and then buy a pair for me and my sis as well. But these small acts seems to be her ammo when I say anythig that she doesn't like. "OH, nice way to act towards someone that was nice enough to bring you new shoes!!". So, she tries to use guilt on me a lot too.

Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

Hi MaggieMay, man can I relate to you! My mother is the exact same way. She totally favors my brother over my sister and myself. I was the baby of the family and she completely used guilt to try to control me. When I stood up to her (and for myself) she would get really snotty and try to say things to hurt me. My therapist suggested that I try to lower my expectations with her and this way I would not get hurt, but I feel that I at least deserve to be treated like a human being, which I felt I was not getting from her. I think that it is very difficult when we can't even get our basic needs met by a parent. I did talk to her about how I felt about her treatment of me, but she turned it around on me. I have come to realize and accept that this is her issue and not mine and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to alter her behavior towards me. It is easier for me, as several years ago she moved out of state, so I do not see her, and have not spoken to her in four years. I had to decide if I would allow my mother to treat me badly just because she was my mother, or remove that pain from my life. I choose me. She claimed at the time that she was moving to be near my sister and her grandkids, but she has only seen them a total of five times in the four years that she has lived near them. Each visit was only for an hour at a time. My sister is now dealing with this issue and having a real difficult time explaining to her children why they do not see there grandma, but she can spend all kinds of time with my brother (their uncle). It is sad, but it is my mother's loss. I don't know if I have been much help, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone dealing with this issue.

[This message has been edited by wolf67 (edited 01-02-2002).]

Family issues are sooo complicated. But, do you want your children treated the same way she treats you? Doesn't that create enemies in the same family? She will be creating enemies of your own kids thru jealousy by treating one special and ignoring the rest. Or between the cousins. Don't you resent your sister and brothers because of her? My grandma was like that to a smaller degree. WE would just joke about it. "There goes grandma again. etc." I think our parents and grandparents deserve respect but we don't have to subject ourselves to their behavior over and over again. I would not subject my kids to it either. Family or no family. Just let her know her favoritism is hurtful and you don't want to be a part of it anymore. That choice is completely yours of course. Whatever you decide to do will work out but no, you don't HAVE to live with it. ANd it doesn't matter what they think. THey are all wrapped up in her manipulative ways. WHat matters is what you think. You are important and especially so to your kids. Put you and your kids first.
Take care, Reena

Thank you both for responding. I think this is a hard spot for me and you have given me something to think about.

I think like a dog that will still love an owner that abuses it, children, as I was and as my kids are now..still love their Grandma (and/or mother). If I chose NOT to go, as I did today, they are disappointed. My mom is this person that everyone sees as the matriarch, she runs the show and appears to be a classy, soft spoken woman. Everyone accepts her as she is and being that out of 4 kids, I am the only one not treated special, I have no real allies or support in this area.

I think this is a major contributing factor for my lack of self esteem and my predispostion to this disorder. Once we were all out celebrating a family event and my aunt drank alittle too much, being that she never drinks only made it funnier. At the end of the night, she grabbed me and told me that her heart ached for me for so many years. She had two boys and never had a chance to have the daughter she had hoped to have at some point. She told me that she used to see me, this beautiful child with the big, sad blue eyes, she just wanted to take me home for her own, and it always seemed I was treated or appeared to be an orphan, then she hugged me and said you are above them all, you are special and don't let anyone tell you different.

Though this should have been comforting, it just broke my heart. I go for months and deal with the family dynamics so wonderfully, then at weak moments or after an especially tough time..I seem to lose the power to NOT be hurt. I don't want to keep my kids away when they want to be there and I certainly don't want to turn them on their grandmother or say anyhing to influence them.
I want to love and respect my mother and get the same back. From past experience, I know I shouldn't expect that, it only disappoints me, but I really have to decide which way to go with this...I guess it will just take some time to sort it out and arrive at a decision once and for all. Thanks again!

Maggie,

Ever hear "we teach people how to treat us?"

You mentioned that you infrequently asked for help and never borrowed money like the rest of your klan. That says to me that you taught your mother that you were self-sufficient. Your mother may have a strong and unreasonable need to be needed and your siblings feed into that need better than you do. Your mother taught your siblings how to treat her. She allows them to walk all over her to fulfill her own need. You appearantly don't play the way she wants to play so she plays with the others.

AND, don't think both parties don't have to pay a high price for playing.

Maybe you should be thankful. Your children might learn a valuble lesson from you. They might grow up and take responsibility for their own family like you have taught them. This way you teach them they are not indebted to others.

They will probably have to watch their cousins mooch off of grandma and then others and it will be hard to watch but in the real world you have probably taught you children better.

I suggest you read The Four Agreements

It is very fast to read and can help you see things from an entirely different viewpoint.

The four agreements are:

Don't take anything personally.
Always be impecable with your word.
Don't Assume anything.
Always do your best.

Furthermore, try and quit comparing yourself with your sister. Do you really want what she is getting?

My husband and I didn't live near relatives and raised our kids on without relatives. I envy the relationship my brother's kids had with my parents, yet I probably wouldn't have trusted them with my kids when they were younger (too overly protective=turn off to my parents).

Remember, grandparents are important relationships and bonuses for your kids. For some reason unbeknownst to you, your mom has made a choice that probably has everyting to do with her and nothing to do with you...and has a much deeper meaning than she is willing to share with you.


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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)
Get out and walk...five minutes today, six minutes tomorrow...until you work your way up to 30-45 minutes and day and see how much better you feel in just a few weeks.

[This message has been edited by EastCobbGABetsyH (edited 01-02-2002).]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Undoubtedly, you are correct. It is funny, in my good times, I see it just as you have written it and I accpet it very well. I needed that reminder and I appreciate you "knocking" me back to the reality of the situaton!