I know I analyze and think about things too much, but I often find myself doubting everything it seems. I'm almost afraid I'm going to become a paranoid skitzophrenic, the way I let myself think about the oddest things sometimes. Stuff I would never admit to anyone else.

Anyway, I'm so afraid to put my trust in this program, in any doctors, or anything. I know I have anxiety, but why am I so afraid to take a chance on really digging into this program? It scares me that we must change our personalities by gradually applying these principals this outside source is telling us to apply. It's like the program is brainwashing me somehow. Oftentimes I'm afraid to put my trust in anything or anyone? Afraid I will somehow be hurt....

...Wow, I think I just kinda had an epiphany- How sad that I would feel that I have to live my life this way. Why am I so afraid to change? I'm so afraid to trust. Afraid that I'll be brainwashed, I think of how Hitler brainwashed thousands of children. Only I would think of the worst possible case of brainwashing and think that it somehow applies to me. I find myself wanting to keep searching until I find the best possible solution to my anxiety before I put my faith and energy in this one. Same thing with doctors and psychiatrists. And books I read, and friends I make, the list goes on and on. When did I learn to be so cautious and on a constant look out for possible danger? I'm so afraid to put my trust in anyone or anything, including this program. Does anyone else have this problem? I'm actually afraid for some reason that this program might somehow damage me in the long run. I'm afraid that God won't watch over me. I'm afraid that there is no God.

Why does it come so naturally to us to approach everything in this way, with fear. Fear even scares us! We're afraid to let it go. Fear is my blanket, my safety-net, my guard against being hurt again, but which causes me such pain. SO Afraid to let it go. So afraid to put my faith in "this supposed" God. Afraid that there isn't even a God. And afraid to put my own faith in my own capabilities. Fear is my friend, my companion that mistreats me, but I am afraid to stop letting him in my home when he knocks at the door. He has a wicked grin on his face, ready to take advantage of me because I for some reason believe that it is beneficial to cower before him and let him mistreat me. He gives me gifts: he comes to my door and assures me that because I still allow him to live with me, he will take a lot of my work and responsabilities off of my hands. He will do my work for me. He convinces me (and still does) that to live with him is better than to live on my own with all the work I'll have to do. I will have to be brave. I will have to face the fact that my deepest desires may never come true, and that if I do achieve them, all that extremely hard work and dedication might not have been worth it. Not letting him in anymore would mean that I have to take a huge risk and put my whole-hearted faith into a life without him. That means that I might have to trust that life at a slower pace and not always pre-planned and calculated will still be as good. It might mean that I'll have to accept the fact that I will sometimes be hurt and might sometimes be "brain-washed" but that life will still be as good. And all this is why I continue to let him stay with me; he is my "closest friend"- Fear. To let him go is a HUGE RISK, it's a large investment of my time and effort in the possiblility that life without him would be better than the life I'm living now. How much more persuasive argument will it take for me to let him go, for me to realize it's better without him, for me to claim complete independence, for me to put my faith in God, and myself, and my own abilities. When will I decide to truely take that risk? =)

Wow, did I write that?!? =P
Feel free to respond. This post started out as a question.

Hi Adam, i'm just going to say "hi" for now because i am SO tired, and i'm sure i'll write later on. Oboy, you have a very elaborate system going on inside that head of yours, which i am actually familiar with, in different variations. Just for now, i'd like to reassure you that this program for recovery will NOT brainwash you. You're already brainwashed with the part of you that is 'fear'. Maybe you should use some other term instead of 'brainwashing'....which suggests 'something' is taking you over...controlling you! Although this fear, which you call 'him', already has convinced you of so many things, AS IF they are true. You're right that a lack of trust is at the foundation of your fear. And it most probably took root VERY early on in your life. And back then, there was good reason for this. These lessons in this recovery program cannot change who you are, essentially. What it CAN do, with your permission....is help you (in your own time) to let go of who you AREN'T!! It can teach you to love and accept who you are at your very core, the very worthy person that you are and were....BEFORE all these defences were put into place to keep you safe. You don't really need them anymore, but there is a part of you that cannot trust this. And that makes sense. I wish i could recall where i did so much writing yesterday (on this Forum, can't recall which posting) about how a wounded person can be 'loved' back into life and safety and freedom! Believe it..it's true. I'm so sorry that i'm as sleepy as i am. This subject deserves so much more. The weekend is crazy for me and i'll write more when it's over. By then, i'm sure many others will have given you loving support. This is the truth: Nothing and nobody has some magical power that can 'take you over' and 'control you', unless you let it. That you cannot FEEL this just now, is understandable to me. My hunch is that you started out feeling 'controlled' by others, when you were helpless, and very naturally....fear steps in and DOES put a blanket over you. It's protection. Only by now it's become twisted and warped and poses in various guises, convincing you that you cannot help yourself. As far as a God goes...i definately have a personal relationship with some Higher Power or God...call it what you will....a Creative Intelligence, Guidance, Divine Love or just LOVE. And i have ALSO, in the past, had a part of me that tried to convince me that this did not exist. It's all a part of it. Start the lessons, slowly and be gentle with yourself. Use this Forum as much as you can. There ARE therapists around who are very trustworthy and many who don't provide that feeling of safety. Your mind is trying to protect you...don't argue with your thoughts, don't be afraid of them....they are just 'thoughts'. Allow them to say what they have to say...they're used to being there. AND, at the same time...inch your way forward. I'll see you again, please take care and trust (even a little bit) in what i am saying. You have to know...i've had the same type of crazy and very convincing voices (so to speak) in my head too. They are boogeymen! Read alot of the postings. God bless, Lindi

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Linda

Hi Adam,

I'm touched by your post because you have explained everything so well. I wonder who to trust too when I am at my most anxious, panicky. Your description of Fear as a person is very amazing. That is how I feel sometimes too. It's a feeling of which direction to go for help when you have tryed so hard. Do not worry about being brainwashed. You're intelligent. You can let your guard down emotionally and think of situations objectively, make decisions and believe in them. It seems like you are thinking black or white; I do this too a lot. It seems like you think help from someone or a program is either evil and brainwashing, or will be the answer. From my experience, no one thing is the answer to solve anxiety and depression, sometimes help isn't so good, but there is time to continue finding slowly things that help a bit. All these bits then add up to a better way of living. Brainwashing is not something you have to worry about, think about the relaxation tape...nothing about it is bad. Listening to it many times is meant to help make breathing and relaxing a natural thing. I have found now that I do the breathing when I feel panicky. Yesterday it helped. As far as doctors go, it is painful and difficult to find a good one. Keep hoping, keep trying. There are wonderful doctors out there. Use your intuition and try more doctors if you do not feel comfortable with one. Leave, but keep looking. No one person is the answer either. You do not have to do this on your own, but must find hope within yourself. Once you start, slowly you will see that there is hope. It takes time. The best thing that I have learned from this program so far is that it is okay to panic, it will not last, you can be safe while panicing or anxious, and find ways to take care of yourself, make yourself feel better.
I do not think for myself that anxiety will ever go away, but the hope is in understanding it so it does not have control over my emotions. I can live with it by my side. I can accept it, work through it, and not feel fear of it.
Do something good for yourself, like making a good meal.
Take care,
Kris

[This message has been edited by Kris (edited 04-28-2001).]

Thank you, Linda and Kris. Linda, I'm looking forward to when you have time to talk to me some more and it's strange, but part of me doesn't think I can trust you, but I think you guessed that which is why you wrote "try to trust what I'm saying, even a little." Thank you for your words, and I hope to hear from you again soon. =)

And Kris, I really liked what you said about seeing the program in black and white, either it will be the absolute answer or it won't. Buth then I wonder if it's true that I do see things in black and white. And sometimes I wonder if anything's true. Why do I have wierd thoughts like that? How can I say that nothing is true? It's like I'm afraid that I'm just going to lose my mind to some kind of mental illness, like skitzophrenia, but sometimes that doesn't scare me and that scares me more. I guess that answers my own inquizition. If sometimes the thought that I might become skitzophrenic doesn't scare me, scares me, (*smile*) then I must actually be scared of it, right? I guess with time if I see that my life hasn't been screwed up too much or I haven't hurt anyone else, then I will see that I am okay. That my deranged thoughts will not lead me to do wierd things, that I won't lose contact with reality. I guess it scares me that so many of my thoughts and beliefs are contradictory to eachother. One day I think I'm an atheist, one day I believe in God and not in any organized religion, one day I feel I must research and pick a religion. I think I just have too much time on my hands. I'm going to research skitzophrenia, especially paranoid skitzophrenia just in case, to find out what leads to skitzophrenia in order to avoid doing those things. Lucinda would probably laugh if she read this. =) How we look up disorders we think we have in medical books "we shouldn't have."

Adam,

I think you need to find a doctor to go talk to, to help you think this through. I can tell you are very concerned about who to trust and afraid of what you are feeling. I want you to feel better.

Kris

You WORK the program. The program doesn't work you (or change you or brainwash you).

Your personality isn't changing (or being brainwashed) you are just learning some skills that are lacking or may need to be improved upon.

A couple of things to THINK about:

-How do you think that writing in a spiral notebook about YOUR feelings could possibly be brainwashing? These are YOUR thoughts and no one else's.

--How could watching what YOU eat and trying to see if YOU feel better when you lay off the caffeine or sugar be harmful?

---Do you think that asserting YOUR opinion is taking anything from you?

I could go on and on.

I think one of the strongest messages from the program is that I just need to relax and be myself. I am special just the way I am and all that panic and depression are is how I react to different situations. The program has helped me to look at each situation and ask myself, "Am I in danger here?", and when I see that it is safe the anxiety seems to disapate.

GOOD LUCK! Betsy

PS: Even though I'm no expert, I think that fear of mental illness says that you don't have it. Most people who are szychitzophrenic don't think they have a problem in the world and think that they are just fine.

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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)


[This message has been edited by EastCobbGABetsyH (edited 04-29-2001).]

This FORUM has helped me immensely. I usually write out a comment to a post and re-read it several times, making corrections before posting it.

This helps me to see and focus on what I am really thinking and feeling about a certain subject.

I delete any unnecessary information before posting it.

GOOD LUCK! (again) Betsy


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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

I agree so much with Betsy! This program most certainly does not change your personality; if anything it frees the personality you have. I have always been hiding myself behind all of these crazy worries and fears; lots of guilt and anger have colored the way I behave every day with other people. Things I have done took on a negative cast not because it was natural for me, but because I had the very bad habit of seeing the worst in everything and everyone I encountered. This isn't personality; it's attitude and a bad one, too!

I am slowly but surely removing those ugly behaviors (and I stress behaviors!!) so that I and others can begin to see what's actually under all of that junk. We all have something beautiful inside us; just trust yourself to be able to dust it off--it's there!