I don't know if I'm posting this is the right section, but I really need help with not caring so much about what others think of me. I dwell on this way too much. Did so and so think this was the right thing to do? Do those people like me? Why did he/she seem so aloof today? Is it something I did? etc..... I really don't know how to let go of this. I also find myself getting really angry about past events where my feelings were hurt and friends/family did not behave the way they should have. It angers me because I'm so careul to be nice and a friend to others. Then, when the kindness is not returned, I feel wounded.
How can I stop placing so much value in what others say and do?

`

Hello, Miami Mama.


LOL! How much you wanna bet that just about everyone in this
Forum feels the same way as you? I know I sure do.


Hon, I am always thinking someone is watching me, and I
am constantly sucking my gut in, standing in a cool pose, fixing
my hair, wiping my mouth in case there's something on it.


Yes, I am VERY self-conscious!


Always working on my weight, never going to the stores with
sandals on for fear that someone will see my toes and say "ewwww!"


Yes, we all have our hang-ups. *Sigh

Hi Miami...I would have to say you're preaching to the choir on this one. I don't know that there's an easy answer for you. I'm in my 40's and have carried that around all of my life. Caring what others think (to a degree) is certainly not a bad thing...but when it begins to handicap us, it gets bad. Probably the same concept as stress...A little is motivating...too much is debilitating. I think as your self esteem improves, the caring what others think will taper off. (At least I'm hoping it works for me). Anyway, you're not alone... just remember that your self worth isn't tied to whatever everyone else thinks...it's what YOU think... AND..the fact that you're dealing with your stress head on in this program, you're in better shape than you think... chin up.. :-)
Brian (Orlando)

Ah yes...I know that one all too well!

We are very sensitive and natural people pleasers. We want to have friends, just like anyone else.

My issues stemed from not having a good self esteem, hence lacking the self confidence, hence questioning if I was good enough, funny enough, why didn't I get invited out to lunch...all these thoughts racing around, making me feel inadequate, less of a person, not important, which leads further down the negative path.

You need to start to realize that you ARE a worhty person that deserves love, friends, happiness. You need to tell yourself that you are a great person with lots to offer others, that you are capable of making intelligent choices and are very capable of achieving your dreams. Like Brian said,

quote:

it's what YOU think

That is KEY here. WHen you start to think it, you will beleive it and start to live it. It is like an avalanche, but in a very good way. Try it!

Warm wishes, LizB

Thank you for your kind response John, Brian & Liz. It helps to know that I am not alone in this. Sometimes, when I'm at home, I have too much time to think----even when I'm in the midst of heavy duty cleaning!
I know part of my issue has to do with my family dynamics. Don't get me wrong, my parents love me very much and have always been loving parents, but they have had too much of a say in my life. I rebel and shrug things off in front of them, but what they say still affects me deeply. Also, I feel a major lack of compatibility with friends from my childhood (one in particlar() who still wishes to be a part of my life, and I don't want her to be. My parents attend all her parties and child's events (I don't because I had a rift with her husband's family a while back---truly crass people---but regardless of that I don't like this friend). My parents are appalled that I want to break ties with her and I in turn am hurt that they continue to associate with her knowing full well that I have a lot of resentment towards her for past events. I feel my parents are being disloyal to me.
I don't tell this "friend" to bug off because I don't want to show her that she gets to me. I think she knows deep dpwn inside, but either to bug me or because she's clueless, she insists on calling me every two weeks. I speak to her and am polite for 5-10 minutes and that's it. I haven't inititated a call to her in over two years.
Wow! I wrote a lot. I guess I needed to vent more than I thought.

Miami Mamma,
There are TWO excellant books i would love to recommend to you. "Approval Addiction" by Joyce Meyer and Boundaries cant remember who thats by, but both are excellant for helping you overcome the approval thing. I know they helped me alot. And mamma, LIKE yourself FIRST!!! I was like you, and it tore me up for years, thing is i became what everyone else wanted me to be almost to the point i didnt know who i was anymore. You dont want that. Dont be a doormat, your worthy, your valuable. STart thinking that way!! Not everyone is going to like everybody, and you know what? SO WHAT!! You will find precious friends who love you for who you are, and thats all they require. Take care Nelly

Nelly,

I am glad you responded! I typed this all out and poof again, my message disappeared into cyberland.

Like Nelly, I too conformed to what everyone else wanted me to be. Well, I never was the person I needed to be because I never had the opportunity to explore that as I was too busy pleasing everyone else, doing things to please others. Well, it is my turn.

You cannot take personally that your parents what to be friends with your former friend. You cannot control that. Either you will let it eat away at you and it will fester inside...or you can just let it be. I know it is so hard just to let it be, especially when you feel you have been wronged, crossed, used, whatever the case may be. But you are keeping the resentment alive inside you. Once you let it go, you will be free of it. You do not have to be friends with anyone you chose not to be, you chose your own friends, just as your parents do theirs regardless of what one may think. I know, I would at one time feel betrayed, but maybe once you let go, maybe your parents will see that their relationship with this person does not bother you and may drop it? Maybe they are just hoping to keep a long time family friendship together and not hurt you intentionally.

We are here for you! Warm wishes, LizB

Hi Miami Mama,

You could well have been describing myself just a few months ago--I was always worried that I was upsetting people or that someone didn't like me because of something (often a little thing) I did. In fact, since I haven't yet finished Lucinda's program, I still find myself struggling with this at times, but it is no where where it used to be.

How did I improve? Journaling and countering my negative thoughts and insecurites helped a lot. If I fear someone took something I said the wrong way, I'd write down the different other ways they could have taken it as well. I'd often realize that I take myself way too seriously.

Another thing I tell myself is that if someone is going to get mad at me for a little thing--they aren't worth being my friend in the first place.

I recently had an experience with a new friend who got mad at me for cancelling on her at the last minute because I realized I couldn't wait 3 hours to have dinner (it was already 5pm). She got very upset with me, even canceled her RSVP to a cocktail party I was holding, and in response the old me kicked in and I apologized to her profusely and berated myself for being such an awful friend.

But then I stepped back. I realized that i had done nothing wrong, and that she had reacted in a way that was horribly disproportional to what I had done. Once I realized that, I told her so (in very polite terms) and was prepared to distance myself from her.

In the end, my assertiveness paid off, we're still friends and I think she respects me a little more for not bowing to her temper tantrum.

There`s a great book, "MindOS" which would help you to overcome that ( it helped me ). You can buy it or dowload it somewhere, look for it in google.

But in short words - imagine your selfesteem as a tank with positive energy. You can fill it with overcoming your insecurities, courageous decisions, positive sefltalk etc, but if you have a hole in it - this energy is going to flow.

You know, there`s a boundary between you and the world, and everything which is inside it - inside you, is under your control. And everything out - is out of your control. And other people`s opinion are definitely outside it. So if you care so much and "take it to yourself" is like you didn`t see the boundary between you and the world in this place. This is that hole, and everybody can grab your selfesteem and take it from your tank through that hole.

I say in those situations "This is only that person`s opinion. I am adult person, and I know who I am. It`s not going to affect me."

But you know, this is when somebody say something. But most freqently we don`t even need other people`s verbalized opinions. We beat ourselves, or worry about imagined things. I had a lot of "AHA!s" during this program and one of them was, "People judge me all the time, and think something about me all the time, but they VERY VERY RARELY say that, and if they do, thay are RARELY honest. So, if I FEEL judged - it`s most sure JUST ME JUDGING MYSELF" And that works for me, big time.

That doesn`t mean that you should avoid getting some "feedback" from people around. But don`t make it personal, this is only about something specific, that you have done.( And you have right to agree or disagree. ) You`re still the same person. Sometimes people will say "you`re bad person" or whatever else. Just shrug it off, they can say something about what you`ve done, but when you`re adult it`s time to decide by yourself, who you are, and like yourself whatever people say.

Mat.

I know exactly how you feel. This is where most of my anxiety comes from. I'm so judgmental that I think other people are always judging me. Whenever I walk into a room I feel that all eyes are on me, criticizing me. And I'm bad about caving into people so they'll like me, and if I don't, I feel guilty. I've always been more concerned with how I SHOULD be according to other people, than with how I WANT to be. But now, people's liking me isn't as important to me as having self-respect.

Start trying to do what you want to do, little by little, not so much what other people want. And I've also really liked everybody else's suggestions. I think they'll help me out as well.

Hi,

I can totally related to how you are feeling. I deal with this all the time. I appreciate everyone's thoughts about it. I think they will help me too.

Take care!

WOW!!! DID I WRITE THAT!!!???

Hello my dear, you're preaching to the choir on this one,ahaha It's hard eh? We're such sensitive creatures. I've been battling the same problem for a very long time. In some ways I don't care what people think but on the other hand I want everyone to be my best friend which is pretty unrealistic,hehe I've realized true friends appreciate you for who you are and we have different levels of frienship with people. Some I'm very close with, others I wish we were closer but I've come to the conclusion that they're just that type of friend and perhaps that just works.
It may sound cliche but all you can do is be polite and nice to others, don't expect the same treatment in return. Does that suck? But that's life!

Hi there, you are not alone on this one...i have battled this issue for a long long time... i too know about expecting people to treat me the way that i treat them with care and respect and empathy and i too know what it's like to be hurt and disapointed when it is not returned. i think a common trait with people like us is that we care, we have big hearts and we give way more of our selves than we probably should..i think for me i love to this part of me but there is a percentage of me that seek approval from my peers and have probably thought myself that this is the way i will gain compassion in return... i was in love with a man, i mean the real deal.. but things went sour and i left because the axiety was almost overbearing.we parted on really bad terms and i am still trying to heal the emotional scars from it... i blamed myself for everything i wasn't pretty enough, what did he really think of me...he probably thought i wasn't good enough, he probably thought why would he want me.... during this time i had a best friend who became a friend to this a man during our relationship....after the breakup, she would give him advise about his new girlfriend, she would call him to counsel him about his breaks ups, all while trying to be in my life..i felt so betrayed and hurt, i was still dealing with the greif of loosing the relationship and i felt like i didn't exist like my feelings were invalid.... like you i avoided her phone calls and tried to play nice...i did not want her to know how upset i was...and i also did not want him to know that i was so upset and broken hearted i did not want him to know i still cared..... i have not talked to him or her in over a year....but yet i have no closure because i did not let either one of them know how truly hurt i was.... I found that journaling really helped me it helped me to get thing off my chest instead of bottling it up and becoming angry.....

I'm always concerned people think she's not pretty enough or smart enough.I work as a dental hygienist,in close proximity to my patients,I'm so overwhelmed with my appearance.Sometimes I think if I'm just nice and respectful to them they can't help but like me.What is this need to be liked?I think it stems from my appearance as a child, my mother was depressed I know now and she didn't help me with my grooming.Today I spend so much money on beauty supplies because I equate being pretty with having people like me. I'm working really hard on this part of myself.