i'm angry. because of expectations. but, i don't think it's unreasonable. here's my dilemma:

i have an EVIL mother in law. when i say evil, i truly mean EVIL. she is sooo out of control that my therapist is guessing that she is psychotic. literally.

i decided to no longer deal w/her, because she is out of control, and life is too short, and i've got this anxiety prob, etc. so i've got bigger things to do, etc. my husband agreed that we should cut off contact for 6 months so we could work on us and not have her interfereing.

so, husband sends mother in law a lovely basket of soaps, etc for mother's day. he didn't tell me about it until last night. and what does he get for me, mother of a 13 yr old? NOTHING. and when i tell him that i think it's crappy for him to get his mother something - his mother who refuses to talk to him for about 2 years now - but doesn't get me anything at all - he starts yelling at me! and telling me that i'm the reason he didn't get anything! that he didn't have time, etc. well, we had a busy weekend but he totally could have gotten me something anytime last week, or the week before the week before, etc.

i thought it was really rude/low/mean/thoughtless/backstabbing/disrespectful. and i don't think it's expecting a lot for my husband to think of me on mother's day.

My husband is very thoughtful and never forgets...but I have a trick...
From the first day he did anything for me, I made a point of thanking him and pointing out how thoughtful he was. He couldn't cook, but he gave me half of his instant noodles, my response, "thank you, I'm hungry, it is thoughtful to share your food". This just escalated. We have been toghether over 6 years and every day I try to see even the smallest thing and thank him and appreciate him for it.
"thank you for turning out the light for me, i forgot"
"thank you for putting the clothes in the dryer for me"

Try finding one thing he does, no matter how small, and thank him. Thank him for replacing the lightbulb that went out or for driving the kid to practice or school (even if it is his job and should be doing it anyway). I guarantee that the better he feels about helping you, the more he will do it. You are giving him a positive reinforcer by thanking him and thereby training him (almost like you would train your dog - it is simple human behavior). People repeat what feels good.

Let me know if this works. Please try. Despite all my issues, I can always count on my husband to pick up my slack and give me the boost when I need it. Often I have to tell him exactly what I want to hear, but he appreciates me not expecting him to know what to say and do.
Men like instructions. Create an environment in which he can excel as your husband.

I am also new here, and have a evil mother in law myself. I am having a hard time with this lesson in deciding what shoulds are good and aren't and also lowering my expectations. But I must say I use to have problems with my husband getting gifts as well, and tending to his mom's needs before mine sometimes, but I have learned to be patient, and not to get mad when he does do something for his mom, it only pushes them further from us. Instead compliment him and say that was very thoughtful for you to do for your mom, but I would like to be remembered too. I was a little anonoyed that my husband called his mom, after the way she has been treating me lately, but not getting mad and accepting it kept peace in the house.