In late 30's, female, no children. In a loving relationship with someone only God could have chosen for me because of the incredible patience, unconditional love and positiveness this man offers me endlessly every day. It's not enough when you feel like you have disappeared into this place of hell. There hasn't been a day that I have felt I have made a difference in or even matter in. Now, getting older seems to only bring worse days of feeling "less than". Just made a huge change by leaving a job of 8 years, moved for partner to jump into a new career after lateblooming and getting a degree. I stare at the walls. I don't want to go out. Can't stand the place we moved to and cannot care about anything. I am deeply paralyzed by everything. What is even worse is placing the feeling of worthlessness on top of me for not wanting to get out of bed, but realizing that everyone else does, everyone else has so much more to deal with also.........kids, careers, in-between activities.........a life. I have even stopped exercising which I even taught for over 8 years along with my other job. Everything has stopped. Haven't even dreamed in my life....jsut survived to pay the bills....and now not even doing that. I guess it has all stopped because I have no clue how to live my life. I have had anxiety and depression my whole life. I have been in therapy for 17 years of it, I even worked in the counseling field to try and help other people. The bottom line.....what does it really take for something to CLICK. Something to shift....what does it take when this madness consumes your life and what you need to do is at least get out of bed in the morning and be grateful for another day?

I know you said you're in therapy -- that's good; at least it's not constantly bottled up.

I hate to sound simplistic in my response, but I know when I was at my lowest low, with panic to boot, doing things helped. I had to FORCE -- and I MEAN FORCE -- myself to do things. Luckily I had support from a few close family members (most notably, my husband). It's not easy.

First, change something, anything, in your bedroom that you see upon waking, so you're not putting yourself into the same mindset. I was able to change my bed's location, giving me a different view out the window. If that's not an option, hang something pleasant -- calming, pretty -- on the wall that you're most likely to see when you get up in the morning. Sometimes a little change towards the positive can slowly make a difference.

You mentioned that you stare at the walls. Here again -- if you're gonna stare at them -- can you paint them? Change their view in some way? Get some activity in that challenges your day to be different, even in a small way?

You need to find something that will help pull you out of the rut you're mired in. In addition to whatever Midwest products you're working with, I highly recommend the book "Hope & Help For Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes. It's old, but good. Disregard some of the more dated advice -- you'll recognize it, but mentioned briefly is electroshock therapy which I doubt is used *anywhere* in the treatment of anxiety/depression, but her general advice on curing agoraphobia /depression is easily read, and I think, sound. I know I thought I was reading about myself many times as I paged through the book.

Take care and keep striving.
Stacey

Hello Grateful and Staceg........I want to thank you deeply for your incredible uplifting messages. I read and re-read your words and will take sincere care and time to absorb them every day. The both of you are extremely special individuals and can tell that your souls are genuine gifts. The poem should be published as it is a priceless comfort of extraordinary words and eloquent authenticity...coming from truth and from a life of courage and facing everything. I am taking both of your ideas to heart and will try them. I admire what you said about changing things in a room, staceg and also expanding on staring at a wall and begin painting one......that is creative and also is a great indication of how you are triumphing and seeing things differently and more colorful in your own life. Baby steps, the books mentioned, the care and concern.....the talents you both posess in writing and expressing......all of it is very appreciated.

Thank you so much and many blessing to the both of you......

higher_road