Dear everyone,

Expecting is a big problem for me, causing me lots of depression today. I have tried everything to be understood and be friends with someone. I've made mistakes.
Finally, in the assertive talking week, I told the person that I was not getting what I needed from them as a friend. I'm starting to feel very sad each time I try, sad that I want to be a friend to someone who doesn't seem to care.
I feel like a failure because the person is not understanding as I wish. I believe that the person does not like me because of anxiety, does not have the compassion to understand.
I don't want to lose this friend, but why?
I know what a bad relationship is, and this fits into that, yet being assertive with my needs is heart breaking. I think it doesn't have to be. From this program, I hope I have learned to see this far in advance next time, and not expect much, move on sooner.
I want to stop feeling like I've failed. I want a different life filled with positive people who care.
Does anyone have advice, stories, help?
I'm very sad. It's taking a lot of effort not
to try again. I don't know how to solve this.
Kris

Hi Kris, I am knew to the forum. I am not sure if your the same Kris who wrote awhile aback about coffee but I was just reading it due to my coffee problem and it is a huge help.. As for your new post I also have a problem with expectations of people. I don't have real advice but I think I know How you feel. I've had anxiety attacks for about 10 years but hid them well from friends. Iwas always the strong person, the one who helped them with problems. From their view point I had it all and seemed so together.YEA RIGHT LOL.. anyway, my anxiety and panic became very bad about 3 monthes ago to the point were I had totally shut myself off from everyone and became very depressed. I told alot of my friends for the first time how bad I was actually feeling and what was going on and alot of them stopped calling me. I would wonder why arn't they calling or stopping over to see if I am ok. I know if it was them I would be there.As I am working my way out of this deep dark hole(I started the program 2wks ago) I find myself asking are they really friends? Do they not like me now that I am not who they thought I was? Iam not sure. Or maybe my expections of them are to high just because I would do something doesn't mean they have to. I often find myself in relationships where I would give sooo much and feel resentful of how little I got back. Like I said I don't really have any advice because I am trying to figure it out also but you did say that it was a bad relationship for you maybe you should listen to yourself you may already know the answer.I hope this helped. Rebe

Hi Rebe,

I'm the same Kris who wrote about coffee. I'm happy that it is helping you too. I'm still not drinking coffee or caffine, still no one has noticed that I am not (laughing). It has made a great difference in my anxiety.
I've had the same experience with friends not understanding. I know how bad you feel since I have felt it. It's very hurtful to reach out, since, hey, doesn't everyone always say, reach out and talk to someone, but then to be dropped, misunderstood, and sometimes turned aganist (people taking it personally or if they are unable to be there, saying it is because of you not them). I too wonder why after stating that I'm not doing well that friends do not show up, call, see how I'm doing, respond.
I think it is that they are not able to understand emotionally, possibly self-centered, or take it personally, not liking change.
I would call, show up and be there for a friend too, so I too do not understand. It feels cold hearted. It's difficult to believe that people have different levels of compassion and coping skills for bad times.
I guess that where the term, fair weather friend comes from.
I wonder the same things you do. I don't think they do not like you. I believe it has to do with them, not you.
I agree with you about giving too much in relationships. I do it because I feel like it, I want to care for others, but after the last year, I hope I will make sure to have equal friendships from the beginning. And, even to stop giving sometimes, no matter how much I love someone, if I know I will feel resentful, if they do not give the same back.
Thank you. Your post did help. I do know the answer. I also think this person the ability to push buttons in me, and I don't like feeling that way.
From writing this, I think I realise that the person I am not the best of friends with is me. Remember in the tapes on self talk, how they say, treat yourself like your own best friend. If I were a great friend to myself, I wouldn't keep trying to have this friend's understanding or need it, I'd give it to myself.
I think I'm going to spend all week giving myself the attention I'm expecting from this friend. Just thinking about it makes me laugh because I don't know where to start. I think I need some roses first, with a card that says, "I'll be there for you always." I think I need some apology cards in the mail, saying "I'm sorry for all I put you through, give me another chance." And, right now, I think I'm picking myself up for lunch.
I hope this helps you too.
Thinking of you,
Kris

hi kris-
i liked the last lines. i found myself doing the same thing some time ago and still do at times, giving myself the words i wanted to hear from family and friends. at first it was silly what i was doing saying things like anthony your such a great son i luv you very very much. but was then like so what this is making me feel good that i'm able to give myself what i been wantin others to say to me. and then found that these people would then would say what i wanted them too when i needed to hear those words. aight just wanted to let u know i'm gratefull iv learned that our body don't know whats real or imagined only what we tell it. so i think for today and from now on i have many many friends and family who always tell me how much they luv me and always make sacrafices for me.

Please tell me all the good qualities of this person you are trying so hard to keep in your life. Tell me the top five things you like about this person.

Betsy

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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

Hey Kris, How was lunch??I love what you wrote back.. How inspiring. Sometimes I sit around feeling anxious and depressed (OK latley I find myself doing that alot) But you have given me a big lift. Ive always wanted to go to a movie by myself but never did. I think I may take myself to a movie tomarrow. I also like the flower Idea. I may just buy some flowers on my way home to congradulate myself for going to a movie....As for our friend problems, what friends???LOL I think for me they just don't know how to deal with this. As we all know fear can hold you back from alot of things. If I called them and sounded just like old times they would be fine. It will be interesting to see how they will be when the new me imerges... I'll let you know.. As for your friend anyone who pushes buttons and makes yous feel bad I am not sure should be around right now... We need love, support and understanding. Not button pushing. We can make ourselves feel bad, but not anymore. WE ARE ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERYandBEING OUR OWN BEST FREIND..Rebe

Rebe,
I'm laughing; you have given me as big a lift. What friends indeed? I think it's a wonderful idea to take yourself to a movie.
What movie do you want to see? Make sure to get the seat you want! And, definitely, do not forget the roses!
I enjoyed lunch, and did find some cards to write notes to me in during lunch. After lunch, I took them to the main post office to mail in style. I can hardly wait to get them. I had this idea of taking myself on a trip and mailing myself postcards of from all the great places I'm going to see. When you were a child did you have an imaginary friend? I didn't, so this is getting fun getting to know one now, who is actually me.
I agree that some friends and family do not know how to deal with this, depression and anxiety. And, I like what you write about fear. I think fear is holding them back. I can understand that.
It is a good idea to take time, to change, to find ourselves again, and in the end that is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. The fact that I am trying to be friends with this person is only a reflection of how I feel about myself now. There are so many things to experience, people to love, that staying here is only keeping me from that. I'm going to read myself an adventurous book today. .

Anthony,

Thanks. It does feel a bit nuts at first, then hey- it does feel good, and there are whole books written on self talk. With the choice of being mean to ourselves, "you can't do that, your too weak...blah blah," or changing to being our own cheerleader, which is more nuts? It is fun to write a letter from the person who hurt you saying all the things you will never hear from them, but wish. It turns it all around. It's more creative too.

Betsy,

That's funny.

Sincerely,
Kris