I took me three times listening to this CD but I finally get what Lucinda means by us having unrealistic expectations--I get it!! It's actually a hard concept to grasp at first--initially I was like, "My expectations are that of any other normal person. Of course I want others to be nice to me--who wouldn't?!"

But that's not what she's saying. It's about accepting that the world around us will not necessarily go the way we expect them to. Yes, people theoretically should be nice to everyone, but that never happens. I'm not always nice to the entire world--there are so many factors, and as a result I can't expect everyone to live up to an unrealistic standard.

I recently had a friend do something kind of mean to me and instead of getting really down at how she betrayed our friendship, I allowed myself to be sad for a bit, but then I accepted her actions. She did not meet my expectations for a friend and that's okay, I'm not going to let it cause me anxiety. Instead, I've chosen to be proactive and finally move on from that friendship--it's an assertive move I should have done a long time ago.

Thanks

It took me over 40 years to figure that one out.
Life is much sweeter as a result

I know how you feel it is rellay about seeing how life is.... not what we think it is supposed to be.

Shal...

I too have been down that road many times...like Skippy, it took me many years to realize that as well. Better late than never! Much happier as well! LizB

Hey Shal416,

That’s great…it feels so good when a particular lesson or phrase or idea comes into focus.

The thing about Expectations, that took quite a while to really sink in for me, was that they can be applied to just about everything. For example, what drives the level of satisfaction we feel concerning any and all plans we have for the day? Expectations. My plan to make it to the store today, involves an expectation that I will be showered and dressed by 'X' time (do I not expect to have electricity and water working in my home?), it then involves the expectation that my car will work (do I not expect it to always come to life when I turn the key?), it then involves an expectation that there is no traffic jam to delay me, I expect the store will be open and the list goes on. The thing is…we don’t notice or even think about these expectations until that one time when the expectation isn’t met!!

And then at that moment, our reaction can really vary so widely depending on what choice we make next…will we use positive or negative self-talk? It’s happened to all of us...we make it to the store and the store has just closed, or we go to use the shower and there’s no hot water, or get in the car and it won’t start, or are late for an appointment and get caught at every red light or get stuck behind a garbage truck or school bus or traffic jam! At these moments, when our everyday expectations of things going perfectly don’t work out (and that really is what it is isn’t it?...all these little things going along perfectly everyday without us thinking about them…until one day they don’t?).Then what do we say to ourselves? I know prior to having any type, form or understanding of positive, supportive self-talk…my response was, “This always happens to me!” or “Why is this happening to me right now!” or lots of magical thinking about how some higher power is conspiring against me or thinking about how this one thing is going to set me back or ruin my day or…and then the anxiety begins to ramp, the body symptoms begin to appear, the cycle begins and ughhhh, I might find myself saying how hard life is.

What-If instead…during those moments…we start in with positive self-talk. What-if I realize it’s unreasonable to expect all these little things to go perfectly even most of the time? What-if we take a deep breath and smile…knowing that a store being closed won’t ruin our day, but just add a frustration even. What-If when the hot water doesn’t flow, we think about how thankful we are that something so essential has been so consistent in working well that we don’t even bother thinking about it year after year? Well then…our anxiety doesn’t begin to ramp, the body symptoms don’t start up and all the rest of the negative thinking has no reason to come out…the reaction that follows is so very different. It’s remarkable really…how far reaching and important gaining an understanding of our expectations are and what a difference it can make when we begin to spot them and note how we respond to them.

Well sorry…I seem to have sidetracked myself a bit. I too re-evaluated some old friendships at or around the time I went thru this lesson. And I too decided to move forward without anger at or around the assertiveness lesson, recognizing that a few of my ‘old’ friends were the type to be all too happy to point out my weaknesses or all too quick to bring up mistakes from my past etc. I realized at some point that I did know what to Expect from these ‘friends’ after all, and the issue was, that I was becoming a person who was no longer going to expect myself to put time into an unhealthy, negative friendship. This can be a bit tricky for us at first…because we do tend to have high expectations and we do tend to be sensitive and it might be very ‘easy’ to look around and decide that none of our friends are worth the effort...you know that black and white thinking that tells us to clean house and dump them all!! Haha…anyway, I don’t think this is what you’re doing and I remember how good it felt and how positive it turned out to be for me in the one case, where I just knew this person didn’t have my best interest at heart. And actually…if that person called me today I would not be affected…I don’t hate them as a person; I just know they are not someone I want to be overly personal with or expect too much from and I’d act accordingly. Congratulations on using your assertiveness skills and on clicking with this lesson.

My best,
JOP

Wowsers JOP...what you wrote is soo excellent! You have such wonderful insight into the teachings of this program --do you mind if I ask when you started?

quote:

Originally posted by Justin O. Pinyon:

The thing about Expectations, that took quite a while to really sink in for me, was that they can be applied to just about everything.

I read everything you wrote with regards to this and I'm so surprised at how true everything you said is. Our expectations most definitely play a role in every little thing we do. The little mini-disappointments we have during the day can all be combated with a simple change of attitude and positive outlook.

I particularly loved the hot water analogy--we so often take for granted all the million blessings we have going right in our world.

quote:

I realized at some point that I did know what to Expect from these ‘friends’ after all, and the issue was, that I was becoming a person who was no longer going to expect myself to put time into an unhealthy, negative friendship.

BINGO This was precisely the situation I was in. There are a group of three girls who consistently did something that hurt, annoyed, or frustrated me, and each time an event would happen--I found myself wasting time with a good friend venting about the three others. After so many negative experiences, you just have to step back and learn from your situations. I have no one to blame but myself if I keep allowing these individuals to hurt me.

It took one big hurtful act to show me the light--but that's what was needed. As soon as I made the decision to let them go this incredible weight came off my shoulders! Now the people I consider my friends are some of the most remarkable people I know.

Thanks so much for your insight!

Shalini

I don’t mind at all Shal ...

I started the program sometime late in May of 2003. I was spending probably an easy 95% of my time in the house by that time, had been for a few years, and was lucky in a sense, in that I was able to really dedicate myself to the program and follow the schedule they recommend. I did the program once in the 15 weeks…did a ton of journaling most of the way thru, and then started coming to the forum and really using it towards the latter stages of the program. I kind of feel like at that point, it was like I was going back through the program a second time…coming here and reading/learning about what other’s interpretations and additions to the skills they’d learned were.

When I first read your question…I was like geezzzz, has it been that long ago? What must people think when they see my registration date or what will they think when I respond here…what am I still doing here? My answer to that would be…if anyone cares LOL …my answer would be that I’m continuing to learn, to grow and to heal. I learn a lot, by thinking about the questions people pose on this forum, and then often learn even more in the midst of a response. Every time I come here, I get a lesson in the things I don’t want to do anymore, a reminder of what it is I do want to be doing, help in recognizing the ways I do and don’t want to respond to everyday life situations, and a weekly refresher on what are the types of perceptions, actions and thinking that have been most beneficial for me. I don’t do much in the way of personal journaling anymore as it relates to the program, but I do use this forum instead as a source of journaling and that’s part of what keeps me coming back as well…and I sure hope I’m able to return the favor of helping others in the way that I’ve been helped by coming here. Well now there I go…blah, blah, blah …in answer to your question…May 2003 LOL!

Thanks for the kind words and I enjoyed your last response as well…you’ve just put one more piece of the puzzle together for yourself…I congratulate you for removing that bit of weight from your shoulders, those moments of positive reward are a wonderful feeling; and they do seem to come more often when we expect less!! Haha…I just had to throw that bit of the program in…

My best,
JOP

That's excellent JOP--you sound like you've really transformed into another person and you seem so sure of yourself. How exactly did your life change after the program?

Shal416

How has my life changed? The first thing that comes to mind…is that my world has changed, and my thinking has changed. My perceptions, reactions and direction are still in the process of changing and I feel more certain as time goes on, that this will continue to be the case for as long as I walk the planet…and I see this as healthy change as well.

My world changed as I began the program, because I was able to look into the mirror for the first time in my life, and know for certain that the person I saw wasn’t alone and that I had truly found a community of other people on this planet, who understood me…I was no longer a completely desolate island surrounded by oceans and the knowledge of continents...and I actually could recognize myself in others for the first time. This helped spark a change in my thinking, because I could no longer substantiate that the world was flat; I had been pushed to the end of the earth time after time in the past and miraculously I hadn’t yet fallen off, but it took an outside voice to prove to me that the world was round...it took this before I could understand just why I had never fallen off. This helped change my thinking from one of absolute negativity (the only thing I knew, understood and believed), to one rooted more and more in the truths of positives. I believe this then began the changes in perception and reactions and direction and I think continuing to learn and practice and live in this round world, this is what helps keep those perceptions, reactions and directions changing in a healthy way.

My life? Having thought about what I wrote above…here are some ways in which my life has changed after the program. I no longer depend on alcohol to get me through each day: haven’t used it in order to eat, haven’t used it as a requisite before going to bed, haven’t used it just to make things like family functions or any other social dealings. After the program, I made it to a dentist after an absence of over ten+ years (actually had much needed work done) and currently go for 6month check-ups now. I made it to a doctor’s office after an absence of much the same as the dentist’s, this then allowed me to make it to a specialist, which then allowed me to undergo an Endoscopy procedure (something I knew was probably needed since 1997 and something I figured I’d never be able to bring myself to do…and figured it would be the death of me. Long story short…my esophagus had closed to the point where I could almost not physically eat and it was only worsening. Now, this physical part of my eating issues is fixed for the time being (I've had 3 procedures done), and it's something I know I’ll be able to stay on top of and do maintenance procedures as necessary) I’ve actually found myself enjoying food every so often—which is big because since I was young, eating was something I wholly did for the sake of necessity.

My mind is much calmer, I have begun to actually enjoy my Harley riding again and just this month, I attended a large monthly Harley meeting I haven’t been to since?…like 1994 or1995? Long enough that I couldn’t remember how to get there! I’ve felt what it’s like to experience the state of rest…real rest…without obsessing about breathing or my throat or any of the other myriad of symptoms. The first time I felt this was after months of working that relaxation tape…and when it happened, I could hardly believe that this is what ‘normal’ people feel while lying on the couch or before drifting off to sleep—I cannot remember ever feeling that state of rest before…not ever. Since the program, I haven’t walked around the inside of my house literally screaming at the top of my lungs into a pillow, out of sheer frustration and desperation…something that had become all to common in the years leading up to the program. Some of the changes above have been slow in coming and have required a lot of patience, and while the list is longer…I think I’ll end it here.

There have been things that haven’t changed as well, which is why I originally responded the way I did I guess. For example, I live in the same house, own the same vehicles and am still married to the same wonderful woman. My family hasn't changed, and not enough of my routines have changed for my liking—I still spend a goodly amount of time inside my home—but that has been slowly changing as well, for the better. I worried a lot throughout the program, about the changes I was undergoing; who would I be at the end, would I recognize myself, would I like myself (kind of funny because it's not like I liked myself before), would I understand myself etc? Would I still be creative or have a sense of humor without the negativity? The short answer for me has been...I have changed a lot but it's not as though I don't recognize myself...I'm still me. And I haven't looked back and questioned whether or not I've done the right thing by working for these changes (which might be another concern shared by others going thru the program), I'm glad I continued forward because the change was needed and welcomed when all is said and done.

So yep…my life has changed in many positive ways and I keep working at it. I have had a few panic attacks after the program, but that’s compared to almost daily attacks before it, and I see them differently than I viewed them before. Before…each attack led to another and the cycle, duration and impact just grew longer and deeper. When I wasn’t having an attack, my world pretty much circled around trying to avoid the next one and worrying which one would be the one that did me in. Of course, all those years I had no idea what they were or why they were happening and left to just my own thinking…any answer to those questions was scary and mysterious. I’m sure, not unlike the first peoples to experience a tornado…what must they have been thinking? I wonder, did it ever occur to them to move…? or would they have figured these things were pointed at them and would follow them wherever they moved to?

Anyway…I hope I was able to give enough examples to answer your question a bit…I know this would require page after page after page to really answer…there’s just so many ways and levels to what you asked. In the end, this was a good exercise for me; because I’ve focused so much on the changes in my thinking…and maybe on some of the things that haven’t yet changed…that at first, I hadn’t really acknowledge all the ways in which my life has changed. I think it’s been good for me and helped me move forward, to stay focused more on the mechanics of the change in thinking and perception and reaction…focused on the skills…but stepping back and taking more of a macro look at the change was helpful and a positive change in itself.

My best,
JOP

Thank you JOP--and congratulations on changing your life to such a grand degree. Wishing you continued happiness and healing

Hey there,

I still don't get it.

Actually that is not true. I realize intellectually that every holiday is not going to play out like a perfect movie script and that my friends, boyfriend, family, and I will make mistakes. But then the holiday comes and I still EXPECT certain things of people. So then the debate in my head starts and I argue the emotional and intellectual sides of the coin for a while and in the end I am mad. How do I get off this viscous cycle? How do I get the intellectual and emotional sides to meet and come to a conclusion? Or is it that I just have to side with the intellect until the emotional catches up? All very confusing....

Hey Belinda1974,

I think I go thru much of the same process you are describing. I thought of one thing while reading your response, which you might consider. Sometimes I think, when it comes to Expectations…that it’s not so much an effort we need to put into changing them, as much as it might be putting in an effort to change how we respond to them.

For example…I have an expectation that people return the kindness that I show them. So sure, part of what I must consider, is that people will treat me however they feel like, and in many cases, this is indeed a high expectation to have. I can then intellectually say to myself, “Well…in my experience over the years, it’s true that I know that society in general is not the kind and caring environment I wish it would be…so in reality…it’s not that I Expect people to return my kindness (because in fact I’ve come to expect just the opposite)…but it’s that I wish this were the case. It’s not what I expect, but it’s definitely what I want.

Identifying the difference between what I want, versus what I truly Expect...has been very helpful to me. I find it easier to come to terms with being let down over the things I want (because we don't internally quantify a 'want' as a given), than it is to emotionally deal with the things I expect(because we do internally quantify an expectation as a given). So one thing that's helped me with this question, is to really think about whether I am dealing with a want or an expectation.

It still hurts me when people ignore or take advantage of my kindness…or just don’t care or acknowledge it at all. But in these cases, in then has helped me to switch my focus off of the expectation, and back to how I respond to the expectation. (Switch it to things like positive self-talk, self-supportive talk, under reacting, guilt and worry, black and white thinking and all the rest) When I open the door for someone at the mall, and they walk thru as if it is my job to open the door for them…if I can’t seem to change my expectation of them returning a smile and/or an acknowledgement or thank you…then is there some way I can change my response to this expectation and/or want?

Can I be less affected—saying to myself that maybe they are just not paying attention or are having a bad day and maybe don’t mean anything towards me personally? Can I consider my black and white negative thinking—saying to myself that just because this one person might be rude, it doesn’t mean that everyone is rude? Have I been paying attention to, and appropriately adding up all the times when someone did respond back in kindness or with a thank you? Or am I maybe paying far more attention to, and only counting the negative experiences? Why do I open doors for people anyway and set myself up? Is it because I feel guilty when I don’t…or because I worry so much about what people think of me and want so much for people to like me, that this is why I open up doors? Am I really doing it for them, or maybe doing it for myself as well? What if I just stopped opening doors for people…would I then maybe not have to even deal with this Expectation/want of people returning my kindness to begin with?

All the above things go more to my response and reaction to the expectation…without trying to ‘change’ or lower my expectation at all. And I have found that by using this approach, it allows me to jive my intellectual and emotional side a bit more…because in the end, I’m not sure how to "expect" people to be less considerate than I am, without feeling frustrated and/or disappointed and angry by it. But what I can do…is choose to consider that maybe there are some other things going on than just my expectation…and that’s where the rest of the program comes into play in regards to this lesson. When we begin to feel better and more confident and secure in ourselves…do we maybe stop trying and relying on others to help us feel better and good about ourselves? So we reach a point where we feel good and worry less about what others do and think, and then when I open up that door and the person just walks right thru…maybe I just smile and feel bad for someone who thinks they are taking advantage of me, when I know I’m just being who I am and their response to this doesn’t matter one iota.

That’s maybe just one example of an expectation…but I thought it might give you another way to look at them in general, or think about how you might respond differently to the expectations you are not all that interested in completely trying to lower? Perhaps the above wasn't a great example, because in the end...I think I have identified it as more of a want than an expectation. But it was a good exercise for me, because I think so many of what I thought were expectations are really wants. Either way, sometimes shifting the focus from the want or the expectation, is a worthwhile thing to consider or has been for me. I don’t know…at this point, I just hope something in the above made some sense!

My best,
JOP

Justin,

Wow, your explanation did make a lot of sense to me. Thanks. You are totally right, I really cannot start to actually expect less of people but I can start to under react to it. Maybe I just need to give people a break. I guess I need to get a better grip on people's behavior on holidays. I know my "wants" on those days are totally out of touch with reality. I will give this a try. thanks!

Shal416...Thank you


Belinda1974... that’s great…let me know how it goes. Try not to 'expect' huge results at first, look for those small positive gains from the changes you make. Once we find and feel those small gains...then we know which skills, habits and methods we 'want' ourselves to keep repeating and working on.
My best

yeah unfortunately I have already had a chance to apply your logic. The good news is that it worked. thanks again!