Im at the end of lesson 4 and i do grasp the concept of "SHOULDS" but it seems to be stiring up alot of anxiety....
So much so im getting myself in a right old mess!!!!
my problem is this.......

im living a life i hate...
while i live in France alone with my 2 kids my partner is working in England to fund a business project over here, which is taking longer to establish than we first thought(4yrs!!!)
and like all projects in property it is a black hole as far as money is concerned.
so we estamate at least anoth year to 18 months before we can be together

when will it ever end? when will we be a family again? I can not carry on any more!!!

so I relize these are not my dreams, these are not my Shoulds...
"you should be happy look what you got"
"you should be content with you life in France"
"you should be happy with 2 lovley kids"
"you should be happy you have a partner whom looks after his family so well"

so when i tell my other half... thats it ive had enough... i get told that im always running away,
and that we are working towards a wonderfull life
and one day we will be living our dreams...

but the truth is, i really cant take any more..
my anxiety and depression is so bad ...
my heart pounds and pounds all day and night,
i have a constant feeling of dread in my tummy,
i wake up between 4 & 5 am panicking so much so im sick sometimes.. i use alot of self talk and i do change my negatives in to possitives and i do try not to expect too much from others... i do my relaxation tape...i do try

but.... deep down a little voice says..
"who are you kidding!!!"

I love my partner so much and i do not want to leave him, but he is so adamant in creating this life style for us, he wont give in... but i just want to go back to England.....

im so dessprate and no one is listning to what i am saying...no one understands...
my body symptoms are horrible, even though i understand what they are and whats causing them
they just wont go away and its making me more depressed..... and that awful feeling of disconection from the world,spacey-ness...
i feel like this for most of my wakeing hours..

does any one out there have a magic wand..lol
"Thanks for listning"
Bex

Bex

You have a right to feel sad over stuff like this.

I have a ton of not so nice stuff happening right now well it's been happening for a while a today was a massive blow out.

I defiantly had some set backs, however I'm working my way out!!!

I read this message somewhere I think in our workbook?
It helped me some.

" Insisting something 'should or shouldn't' be a certain way, feel a certain way, will intensify anxiety and depression.
We will give ourselves permission to have certain feelings and acknowledge that a situation is upsetting or unpleasant.
With practice we will than move into the problem solving mode and decide what we can do to make a positive difference!

Well I admit the last part is harder to apply and maybe some things are�t fixable right away or at all.

May be we just have to accept and let go or refocus or thoughts.

That is some of what I believe this program is trying to teach us.

So look for those precious present moments.

I believe you said you have two kids there full of persious moments
at least until they turn into teenagers LOL.

I have two kids a ages 3 ond 15 WOW well even though my son's in deep trouble I hold any percious present moments he can give me even just having him sleep knowing he is drug free at this moment I that GOD....

OK OK sorry I got off track a little.

You also said you live in France I think, well look around at the history and beauty of this land use this to help distract you from the pain.

Best to you and your family

Thanks Frosty....
you are right, some things are not changeable some things are out of our control...
so... we must focus on the stuff that we can control...and change (US..lol)

and thank you for reminding me about our presious moments, some times we get so wraped up in self analizing we forget about the important stuff...

thanks
take care, Bex

Dear Bex,

Lesson four is one that will go with you for a long time. I kept going over and over the homework for the better part of a year. It's worth going back to until you feel you know the skills.

Ofcourse you are happy with your children, your provider, your posessions, you could even make being happy where you are living a goal...but I think there is something under these shoulds??

Examine what you really want. When you can write that down, it's time to see if you can make what you've written into a goal. If you can't, it's time to let go and make some different plans.

I wish you well, Carolyn