I'm hanging in there, but this tape & lesson is certainly tough for me. I had a panic/anxiety attack the other night brought on by..guess what...my expectations of others, mainly my husband. (To make a long story short, he stopped taking his depression meds a week ago and had just told me like it was no big deal. It triggered a messy situation revolving trust issues. I was so furious I couldn't even lay next to him to sleep.) To help me try and calm down I wrote pages in my journal, had a warm cup of herb tea and diaphramic (sp) breathing. It only seemed to fuel my anger, I couldn't calm down and I felt my adrenaline just keep rising. I feverishly sat down and worked in my workbook and my "should" list was pretty big, both on myself and others. When the question was asked, "Are these realistic?" The only answer I could think of was "To ME they are!" I guess I have to go back and read through them in a better state of mind. I've listened to the tape a couple of times now. And I've been wondering...just HOW do I adjust my expectations? How can you tell your mind to just "back off" when you want to explode. I'm working at it, but BOY this part is tough for me. I keep saying to myself "Don't should on yourself." (I love that phrase) I find that I use the phrase "I should..." at least a dozen times during the day. I never realized that in itself could be such a destructive phrase. I guess the more I work with it, I'll learn. Hugs, Pam
Posts: 9 | Location: Pennsburg, Pa USA | Registered: February 13, 2001
Originally posted by Pam: I'm hanging in there, but this tape & lesson is certainly tough for me. I had a panic/anxiety attack the other night brought on by..guess what...my expectations of others, mainly my husband. (To make a long story short, he stopped taking his depression meds a week ago and had just told me like it was no big deal. It triggered a messy situation revolving trust issues. I was so furious I couldn't even lay next to him to sleep.) To help me try and calm down I wrote pages in my journal, had a warm cup of herb tea and diaphramic (sp) breathing. It only seemed to fuel my anger, I couldn't calm down and I felt my adrenaline just keep rising. I feverishly sat down and worked in my workbook and my "should" list was pretty big, both on myself and others. When the question was asked, "Are these realistic?" The only answer I could think of was "To ME they are!" I guess I have to go back and read through them in a better state of mind. I've listened to the tape a couple of times now. And I've been wondering...just HOW do I adjust my expectations? How can you tell your mind to just "back off" when you want to explode. I'm working at it, but BOY this part is tough for me. I keep saying to myself "Don't should on yourself." (I love that phrase) I find that I use the phrase "I should..." at least a dozen times during the day. I never realized that in itself could be such a destructive phrase. I guess the more I work with it, I'll learn. Hugs, Pam
Oops sorry about the previous message I hit the sent button by accident
Anyway Pam I want to congratulate you for staying with the program even though you are finding it tough. As you say it's going to take some effort and it will get easier. You sound like me in regards to getting angry, sometimes I get so angry with my husband I don't speak to him for days!! But Pam we know it's not about them it's about us and our low self esteem, insecurity etc. I know that we'll be having a lesson on anger and moods in the upcoming weeks and there will probably be some answers for us there.
Sometimes when your adrenaline is rising you might consider doing some exercise like going for a walk and if it's late at night and you don't want to go out do some floor exercises or maybe even just start dancing, just moving will help you feel better.
I feel that when you look back on your 'should' list in maybe another week or so you will maybe see them in a more realistic light.
Look after yourself and be gentle, and again good on you for sticking with it, you're worth it.
I'm right there with you, Pam. I feel so strongly about some things, it's extremely hard to lower some expectations or eliminate some shoulds. Most of my reactions are in my gut, no matter what I try to tell myself. I do feel very resistant to this lesson, however much it makes sense intellectually. I guess we just have to keep at it and hope that eventually we'll start to feel different and better.
I struggle with this lesson in the worst way. I feel that my expectations of myself have gotten me to where I am in my career and life in general. My should list is NOT realistic. I struggle between having goals and not �shoulding� on myself. I don't want to let go of my expectations of myself or of others because I feel that then I will settle for so much less than I should. I am afraid to let go because of what my life might be like without those shoulds to motivate me.
I do know that eliminating those completely would help me out tremendously. I think about things before I do them and predominantly I do things right and fair. I get so angry when others don�t do the same. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve and to do things right and then I project those same expectations onto others (especially my wife). I do this so much that I am constantly disappointed and constantly angry. I can never seem to find peace with myself or with anyone else because I have no contentment with myself or anyone else.
I would love to wake-up one day and be totally free of that should list. I am tired of shoulding all over myself and others. It is exhausting and it only leads to anger and frustration!
Joe
Posts: 5 | Location: Detroit Metro Area, MI, USA | Registered: March 02, 2001
What's so nice about this forum is that I never feel "unique" in my emotions. I'm glad others can relate. I've looked back over my should list and I'm learning to "back it down" in degrees. When I'm in one of my "manic - should get this or that done" states and my husband says that I drive myself too hard -- I'm learning to weigh out his words rather than lashing back with "Maybe you don't drive yourself ENOUGH" (I know...ouch!) I stop, look at what I'm doing, look at what others ARE doing around me rather than what they are NOT doing. While I still think this is a very tough part of the lesson, I guess the things you have to work hardest for are most worth it. Hugs, Pam
Posts: 9 | Location: Pennsburg, Pa USA | Registered: February 13, 2001
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