Hi everyone! Around the 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts' i have around others and myself. For example, wishing he would react the way i wish he would! Or, "i shouldn't be so impatient or upset by how he's behaving"...many variations on this theme. The most difficult is within the context of a relationship that doesn't go so smoothly. With so many people, i don't need to stop and think about how i might change my reaction, or that i want them to be different. But, with very specific people in my life....some of the family and three or four others, I am practicing using these skills, as it's so important to me to find a calmer, more satisfactory way of dealing with what has been so hard up to now. Here's the thing ~ You know how we're practicing interrupting our habitual way of handling things, or reacting to them...and then refocusing, restructuring,etc.... Well, what often happens with these few people, is that i find it impossible to 'practice' this WHILE we're in the middle of something!! What do you do....say, "ah, hold on a minute, while i think how to do this!!??" It is obviously SO much easier to practice and succeed at this change of attitude and behaviour when we're alone! While IN the situation itself, while things are being said so quickly....you can't just walk away every two seconds to 'work it out'. Does anyone else find this too?? I'm betting that as time goes by, i will be surprised to find myself automatically reacting quite differently than i have for my entire life.(that's thinking positively, no?) As for right now, sometimes i find myself dreading getting together (especially with two individuals) because the same old misunderstandings and discomfort will occur, yet again. Any suggestions? Similar experiences? Have a great day!! Lindi
I can relate, and have found the road very difficult. I work with an individual that triggers me, and the other coworker in our office. She is not someone I would chose to spend time with, but I have no choice. It is tough, but I manage to make a little progress every day. Some days are better than others. Life is not easy.....
Boy can I relate to this. It is really tough. When I am around the people who trigger me, I find that this defense mechanism goes up and everything else goes out the window. The only time I am successful is when they are angry and I work to diffuse the situation.
One situation was when one person was yelling at me because I did not tell them exactly what they should be doing and I wasn't exactly attentive to what was going on. I thanked them for telling me and told them that I would try harder to be more attentive and to make sure they had everything that they needed.
Another time my boss was yelling at me and whining about something. I told that boss that they could say anything that they wanted to say to me, but not to use that tone of voice with me. They immediately stopped.
In other situations, I revert to the old me. I guess I should be happy I was able to change one small part. Maybe all we can work on is one small part at a time.
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