I just wanted to vent a little bit about my husband and his expectations of me. Basically, he expects me to be perfect. When I mess up, he gets mad. The problem is, I know his expectations of me are too high, but am I expecting too much by wanting him to lower them?

Tonight, for example (and stuff like this happens all the time, because I do stupid or forgetful things all the time), I broke a cup that was on the bathroom sink. Yes, it was stupid of me to put a glass cup on the sink to hold our toothbrushes. My husband told me it would fall and break. I thought it wouldn't if we were careful, and figured if it got in the way I'd move it, and so I put it there, were it stayed safely for a few weeks. Tonight I knocked it over while I was coming out of the shower, and glass shattered all over the floor, and was blocking my way to the door. I asked my husband to bring me a broom. He reluctantly did. Then, not wanting to cut my feet while I swept, I asked if he could bring me a pair of slippers or shoes. Well, he said he wouldn't. He said that I had to figure out another way to get out of the bathroom myself! Afterwards, he said he didn't mean it, and he would have gotten the shoes for me, but I don't know. He said he was just mad because he didn't like the way I asked for my shoes. But, how was I supposed to ask? Shouldn't he cut me some slack because I was in a room with glass all over the floor, totally naked, with my glasses out of reach?

Now, am I wrong to think that he was wrong? I mean, I know that if I lived alone, I'd have to do it myself. Which is what he always tells me when I ask him to help me out with something. But, I don't live alone! I live with him! I mean, if I lived alone, I wouldn't have his laundry to do, either, and I wouldn't have his dishes to do, but I don't refuse to do that, telling him he'd have to do it himself if he lived alone!

It just bothers me that he doesn't let me make mistakes. What's worse is, because I don't point out all of his mistakes, he thinks he's perfect! Last night, for example, he broke a plate. I asked if he was okay. Then I asked if he needed any help. And that was it. No recriminations. I mean, when I've locked my keys in the car, he goes on and on about how careless I am. When I have left the light on in the car, he goes on and on about how thoughtless I am. When I have left the oven on after I was done cooking, he goes on and on about how irresponsible I am. When I've tripped on something and fallen, he goes on and on about I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me. When the car stalls when I drive, he goes on about how I don't drive well enough. And, when I say, "Hey, you're being kind of mean and it's hurting my feelings!", he says, "Well, good! Maybe you won't do it again."

His attitude just really bothers me. I mean, everyone makes the kind of mistakes I mentioned above once in a while, I think. I know my husband has done all of those things. So why does he freak out at me when I do? Why does my making a mistake make him so angry? And why does he think that getting mad at someone and telling them how careless and irresponsible they are will make them do better the next time?

Am I being unreasonable, or is there some way to get him to change this? It makes me nervous, because I don't want to have children with someone who might treat our kids like that. I don't want my kids to ever think they've done anything terrible or that we're mad at them because they've just made a mistake. I think he really needs to change this. Any advice?

Be well,
Lori

Lori,
Yes, he WILL treat your children like that. He is already treating you like a child. How is your self esteem? Man, that would be hard to work on with someone putting you down for everyday things. I bet he puts just as much pressure on himself. And I also bet he puts himself down for every little mistake he makes. Sound familiar? Perfectionistic. When we or others aren't the way we think they should be then we let someone have it. Critical? Sounds familiar to me. Sounds like he could use a dose of MWC. I am a Christian and I believe the husband is the head of the family. Do you show respect for his decisions? Are you critical of him? THe way I act definitely shows in my hubby's response to me. No, I am not saying you are to blame at all. If I am critical then I need to fix me. He is critical and he needs to fix himself. No husband should treat their wife in this manner. Work on you and your anxiety and release his condemnation of you. Let it go. Remind yourself that he is not happy with himself and this is why he is taking it out on you. I would suggest counseling. My uncle treats my aunt this way and has for as long as I've been around. It is so sad. She is a nervous wreck but for some reason puts up with it.
I hope you can help him to see this is counterproductive to your relationship. And to your self confidence. Reena

Hi Lori!

I think Reena has got some great insight here. I only want to know how long you have been putting up with this and does he know about your anxiety and/or depression?

Take care of yourself!
Diane

Dear Lori,
I truly sympathize with you. I started this program over a year ago and have been in therapy also and it was only til I allowed myself to realize who was causing my anxiety did I get better. My husband unfortuneatly was a major reason for my panic attacks and anxiety. I finally have taken control of my life again and he hates it. He is the most negative, agrumentative, overreactor, and insensitive person I have ever met. In fact, when I told him I was having panic attacks he used to tell me to go and take a shower and go to bed. I have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter and I got better for her sake. In fact he didn't even bother to help with her while I was going through all the craziness, but I pulled myself out of it for her because I had to be that positive influence in her life, and I thank GOD every day for giving me the strength to get better.. It is very hard kicking this disorder with a child to take care of especially if your husband is going to bash you all the time and thats exactly what mine did too. I am divorcing now and I am not real proud of it, but I know its what is best for my well being so I can be there for my daughter and so she won't have to be subjected to his abuse of me.

Good Luck and God Bless
If you need to chat email me

Rosemarie

Thank you all for your responses! I really appreciate the support.

I think one of the big issues is just the very different ways we were raised. When I was growing up, my sister and I were not expected to do a whole lot around the house. We were expected to do well in school, and not get into any major trouble but, aside from that, we didn't have a whole lot of responsibility. My parents took care of the dishes, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, and they never expected my sister or I to work when we were in high school or college (although we both did, for some extra money, but my parents never insisted on it). That's just the way my parents are. Even when they come here to visit, they like to do the dishes, and if my husband and I visit them, they are always offering to do our laundry or take us shopping, and tell us to just relax and they'll take care of things. My husband's family is the opposite. They expected him to take care of a lot: to do the dishes, the laundry, the cooking, stuff around the house, to work. I think he's a little bit jealous of the fact that I didn't have that responsibility growing up--I hadn't even done laundry until I went away to college--even though both of my parents, like his, worked full-time. I think he's also a little bit jealous that my family had more money than his. I mean, my parents aren't millionaires, by any means, but both of them went to college, and both of them had professional jobs (my mom is a teacher, and my dad is a manager), and my sister and I never had to worry about money. We didn't get everything we asked for, of course, or new cars when we turned 17 or anything like that, but we had everything we needed plus quite a bit more, and we took family vacations every year, that kind of thing. My husband's family, on the other hand, has had a lot of financial problems, which they didn't try to keep from him (although I'm not sure that was the best move: I know now that when I was very young--5 or 6--my mother was staying home with me and my younger sister, and my father was going to school part-time for his MBA and was out from like 6:30 am to 9 pm every day, and things were stressful and money was a bit tight, but my parents never talked about it in front of me and my sister, and never let the stress affect us, and we actually never even knew that they had a hard few years). I also have a very large, very close extended family, unlike my husband, who just lived with his parents, and all the other relatives were far away. I always had grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles around when I was growing up. So, when he's mad at me, he usually ends up calling me a "spoiled brat," or something to that effect, which I think is just because he's jealous that my childhood was easier than his, in a lot of ways.

And, then there is the difference in our families' expectations. In my family, stupid mistakes were generally something to laugh about and then forget about. While my mother was quite neurotic about messes, and so didn't like it very much when things got spilled--I think she's a bit OCD, but she's gotten much, much better over the years, and mellowed out a lot--in general, if we made a mistake, it was no big deal at all. You laughed, then dealt with it, and then forgot all about it. And, my parents were always very free with praise for me and my sister. If we came home with a B, they were proud. If we came home with an A-, they'd tell us what a great job we did. My husband's family, on the other hand, is just not as tolerant of mistakes. His mother expects him to be perfect, and is very, very disappointed (which makes him feel very guilty of course) when he does something wrong. I know that, when we were both in college, and grades came in, if I called my parents to say I got three As, a B+, and a B, they'd be thrilled, and go on about how proud they were, and then tell my grandparents who would call to tell me how proud they were . If my husband (well, back then, boyfriend) told his parents the same grades, on the other hand, you could hear silence as they gave their "Oh, what happened?", and then left him to explain why he didn't get all As. They just have very unrealistic expectations of him. And I think that's why his expectations are so ridiculous. You're right; he totally gets down on himself when he makes the smallest mistake, things that don't seem like a big deal at all to me.

Anyway, I don't want him to come off seeming like a terrible person, because he is not, at all. He feels awful about the way he acts when I make mistakes, and I'm starting to convince him that the way he reacts when he makes mistakes isn't any better. But, he just doesn't feel that he can change it, even though he wants to. I've offered to share the program with him several times, because I definitely think he can use it, but he pretty much thinks that, because he doesn't have panic attacks and doesn't have any limitations, he doesn't need it, and it wouldn't help him. He honestly tends to think that he's a terrible person deep inside, and that nothing can help him. I feel bad about it, because he is a really great person, who just reacts in the wrong way in some situations, but I don't know how to convince him of that, or that he can change, and there are people and programs to help him.

Thanks for listening, and be well,
Lori

Hi Lori,
I didn't take notes, so let's see what i rememeber, what stuck out for me.
I noticed you kind of apologize for how you're speaking about your husband, but that's not necessary cause you're looking at how YOU FEEL when he talks to you in this way.
Everything you wrote about is very familiar to me. I am also a person, like yourself, who is apt to put alot of time into 'understanding' why and how a person got to be the way they are. But, ya know, in the final analysis....this type of atmosphere is either good for you to be around, or not!
Of course your husband became this Critical for a reason. I myself would NOT live with that kind of criticism....i actually DID, for many years. And, believe it or not, the differences in our backgrounds were very much like your's! But as long as this person was not willing to get HIS OWN HELP, look at the origins of his own behaviour,etc.. i could not remain there. It broke my heart to leave. Your husband says nothing can help him. Oboy! That's a dead-end way of thinking, but it does serve a purpose for him. I am with someone NOW, have been for over 3 years, who also says and believes that nobody and nothing can REALLY help him. I'm going to have to leave that relationship, because if i'm going to be with anyone, i need the relationship to be one in which we are both growing and changing together. I became so tired (in the past) of being the 'understanding one', at my own expense and integrity. There IS no head of the house, who you must respect blindly! You KNOW your own instincts and what feels right or wrong for you. I am in no way suggesting you simply leave! All kinds of changes are possible! But your husband should know that if he isn't seriously willing to examine his motives, get into therapy, or do SOMETHING about this, that you won't just stick around indefinately, taking this! 'Name calling' should NOT be a part of a healthy and "LOVING" relationship! Saying you are a 'spoiled brat' is so destructive. If he wants to talk about how HE feels, well...that's another thing. But to call you names....not acceptable.
We come together (partners) with so much baggage, automatic behaviours,etc... and if both are not open and willing to work THROUGH all that crap, well then.....we get 'stuck' and unhappy. If we lived in the same city, i could suggest to you THE BEST couple counsellor i know of. Maybe someone like her lives where you do.
Hope you didn't find me too forceful Lori. It's just that i know what happens when we shove these things into the background...they don't go away, and must be attended to.
((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))) Love, Lindi

Somewhere in our study material we learn that the only control we really have is over our reactions to what happens to us. We have no control over the weather (big for me), crime rates and most importantly, other people.

When I finally believed this (I'd been saying it for years), it made a big difference in me. Yes, that means you can't control your husbands behavior or even your children. Since then, I've become much more calm, patient and understanding. My wife has noticed and I see her changing. All those years I tried to change her just made me angry and my wife resentful.

When I start to slide back, I pray "Lord-begin with me". The rest falls into place. Your husband sounds alot like I used to be. The way he was raised is almost identical to my upbringing. There is hope for him, but only when he decides to. Nothing else will provide that motivation.

God bless you

tell him how you feel and try to break it to him in a way that he can understand. Don't expect him to understand what your going through, just try to help him understand.

A Few Thoughts to Ponder....

How about taking the words Right and Wrong out of the equation?

what does that leave in your relationship?

Why does either one of you have to be Right or Wrong? I remember Dr. Phil mentioning this problem on Oprah one day. If one of you has to be Right or Wrong then you become adversaries instead of partners. Are you partners?....a team?.....supportive of each other? How do you define your relationship?

What if you said to your husband, "I need your support and help at this moment, not your criticism.", how would he have reacted?

"You know, honey, I really thought we could have kept the glass from breaking, I guess not...oh well, I won't do that again !"

-OR-what if you had the nerve to say,

"You know dear, you constantly talked to me as if you're my parent or my boss. So, when you said the glass would probably break I felt defensive and tried to convince you and myself that it wouldn't....just to show you I was Right and you were Wrong. I guess that just doesn't work. I'd really like to have an equally respectful relationship with you rather than frequently trying to show you how smart or right I am. What do you think?"

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Don't take anything personally.
Always be impecable with your word.
Don't assume anything.
Always do your best!

[This message has been edited by EastCobbGABetsyH (edited 01-12-2002).]

My husband is a lot like that too. But he is only like that to me. He's great to the kids. Always has been. But I don't let his ignorance get to me much. Do you ever just tell him to shut up? Sounds bad, but maybe he'd stop if you'd stand up for yourself. We were raised different too. But that's no excuse for his being rude. Sometimes you just have to tell people like that to kiss your blessed assurance.