I really can relate to this session. All I do is think about the "shoulds"

I always compare myself to the best qualities that someone else has and think "I should be like that" or "I should be able to do that too" I get jealous of others easily. I REALLY do think the grass is greener.

I know this is wrong but I assume everyone is happy cause they appear to be happy on the outside...

Oh, don't do that. You are really setting yourself up for disappointment. The real problem is you don't like yourself. Think about it, if you are wishing you were like someone else then you do not value your unique qualities. Stop looking, thinking about others and spend some time on yourself. You have good qualities, admit it! Learn to love yourself. This is not easy. I look in the mirror every morning thinking my face should have less break-outs, I should be thinner, blah, blah, blah. But you know what I have been making a real effort to complement myself. For instance, I have nice hair, good teeth. I am smart, I'm a good Mom, a good wife, etc. See I'm feeling better already. And now I'm being a good friend to you! See how this works.

Debbie

I am having a big problem with learning to accept and love myself. I don't hate me just don't like much about me. My family has never been good at compliments or support but my husband is. It is just hard to accept when he compliments me because it has never happened in my life

LBL,

I have issues with that too! My husband is so sweet and loves me just the way I am. But I don't! I should be prettier, thinner, calmer, sweeter. Why does he even like me? Blah, blah, blah. It's because I was never told anything like that when I was a kid and I'm not used to it nor do I believe it when he tells me those things.

I have taken the opposite approach with my own children. I complement them all day long and they love it. I'm hoping they grow up to love themselves and don't have to learn it like me when they are middle aged.

Debbie

quote:

I always compare myself to the best qualities that someone else has and think "I should be like that" or "I should be able to do that too" I get jealous of others easily. I REALLY do think the grass is greener.

HA! I did the same thing. Wishing I was so many different things I was not. I think we all admire many traits others have. We admire others for their traits but fail to recognize our own strong and valuable assets. Like some others here, I was never praised by my parents and my father was extremely quick to point out my errors and rub my nose in it. It was difficult for a long time to take a compliment. After all, I never got any. I thought people felt sorry for me. I thought people just said stuff to make me feel better or wanted something in return. That was not the case.

Write down all the things you are good at, you enjoy, you are skilled at, things that make you feel good, that you do that enriches someone else life...now SEE all the things that you do do, and do very well! I bet there are many people that look at you and admire your traits. I too used to get jealous, but that is an emotion that left me feeling bad about me. Why bother feeling like that? By thinking that way I was making myself feel bad.

I come to term that I am not going to be great at it all, that I will not be as savvy on the computer as he is, be as well written with business letters, as good of an artist as so-n-so is...BUT I AM ME! I am an individual! I have special qualities that NO ONE else has. If we all were the same, it would be boring. We all have our place in this world and bring something very special to the table. Celebrate your strengths and accomplishments and value strengths and accomplishments of others. Together we all can benefit one another with our own individual gifts we share with each other.

I tend to look at the other people around me and think, "Hey they don't have any problems. Why can't I be a dad that feels so much love?" Then I realize, that's sort of self pity. The reality that I have to face, is that I can be that dad that feels the love of his kids. Just because I have anxiety and depression doesn't mean that I have to fix it in a day. I am trying to lower my expectations on my condition to the point where I say, "It's ok to feel low today, you will feel love again, if not today tomorrow or the next"

Otherwise, I will dwell on the fact that my expectations are too high. It's hard though when your kids want you to feel better and you put on the smile. You feel like crying but are smiling on the outside. Sort of like when i was a kid with my dad as an alcoholic. I need to set my expectations lower for myself. I need to be happy for me today even if I am down, I can still be in the present and say, "I am here"

this session 4 it is hitting home, I too compare myself to others since I was in kindergarten, (I wish I had long hair, I wish I had long nails, I wish I had her dress, I wish this, I wish that, the time I wasted) I am 49 and now I wish I had a larger home, a nicer car, I wish I can plant a garden as nice as the neighbors etc. but I am realizing with planning and not beating myself up I will maybe make things happen. this session might take me 2 weeks! lol
Good luck everyone

quote:

I am 49 and now I wish I had a larger home, a nicer car, I wish I can plant a garden as nice as the neighbors etc.

Your home, car, garden do not define you as a person. Yes they are nice, but those things do not mean much. They way you are towards others, the way to treat your neighbors, friends, family say something about you and that will say more than any Mercedes Benz, lush garden or large, fancy home will. They are nice yes, but all those things come with their share of issues as well. (cost to obtain, maintain and then upgrade because we will keep chasing the proverbial carrot) There is that Sheryl Crow song, Soak up the Sun, the lyrics in it are "It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got". That took me many years. I am 38 and I feel like I am the such a blessed person.

Boy I really have to use the "stop" sign on this one! The more I journaled the more I saw that my comparison thoughts were more numerous than my everyday garden variety negative ones. "why isn't that me? Why aren't I doing that? "why isn't that my life? etc. etc. I was sitting at an outside cafe yesterday next to a movie star and his wife and the comparison thing comes up. " What a nice life they must have. Wonder why I'm not a movie star." Well after sitting there for awhile and hearing some of their conversation which was everyday stuff just like my conversations- where to walk the dog, what restaurant was good, let's talk a walk and look in the shops, etc. I realized they really didn't look or even sound any happier than I was! We were both enjoying the same great weather, the same food, the same beautiful view of the mts., the same sunshine. For some reason my envy subsided when I left the cafe that afternoon. My mother used to say to me "Mary,you need to learn how to be happy with the simple things in life, because that's what life is mostly made up of." I think she was right.

I hear all of you...the positive and the negative. I constantly compare myself to other women especially my husbands x. I have done this for so long I dont know how to stop. I am so jealous of her although we havent seen her in years and probabally never will. Why do I dwell on her and my husbands past relationship with her. I hate her. I know this is sick thinking. Any advice?

Dainta,

My husband was also married before. I used to feel that way...threatened. For me it was thinking that one day my husband will wake up and realize I am not who he thinks I am, I am not good enough, that his x was probably better or they enjoyed more stuff together.

Also, he has a past with her. Wouldn't it be SO nice if that part of his life just disappeared? What if her memory and their experiences, in essence their whole life together just disappeared?( )

There is also his family and friends that may compare the "old" model and the "new" model.

I used to do this. Thing is I had to WAKE UP and SEE that he was not with her, but ME! Something between those 2 did not work out and brought them to divorce. I also had to accept that YES he did have a past life, that not only included an X wife, but his daughters mother (which is yet another different woman) as well. He was with them BACK THEN! Things happened between him and his previous relationship with his daughters mother and probably other women that did not work out. I too have a past, but that IS THE PAST! We are together now, why am I going to let something in his past that I know did not work out bother me? They are not a threat.

For me this was because I was not confident in myself. I did not feel self worth. I did not feel I deserved such a wonderful man, he was too good for me. Now I see that he is great for me, I am great for him, we compliment one another and work well together. WE NEED one another! We are a team. I know he never got that from his former relationships. He used to tell me stuff like that and I did not believe him. (ie:lack of self esteem) Now though I do. I see we work so well together. I see what I do for him and what he does for me. They way we interact, the way we speak to one another, treat one another...I see it and accept it. I no longer deny that I am a good person to him and deserve whatever and however he loves me in return. I grew up in an alcoholic home, dysfunctional so I never knew this, did not know hoe to accept, react, return it. I did not know how to think about it either. My father always had something, some underlying alter motive or reason for everything, there were strings attached...with my husband NOTHING has strings. We are to one another what we are. I was making things more complicated and uncomfortable for not only me, but for US as a couple.

Let go his x. She is done, gone. You are there now. Enjoy what you have now with your husband. You cannot change his past, but you both can create a beautiful today and future with one another.

thank you schnauzermom!

I usually just have the thought, "I'm not good enough." My fiance helps me explore my thoughts and he'll say, "not good enough for who?" He reminds me he's the one who's not good enough for me and he's gotten better at complimenting me. He tells me how he talks about how much smarter I am than him when he's at work. And when my cat died a couple weeks ago, he told me he was proud of me through the whole thing. I'm really lucky to have him and I say the things he tells me to myself when he's not around.

Debbie - I have to tell you you're doing a great thing by complimenting your kids every day. My mom always did that and it always made me feel good. She was depressed and anxious too, which is where I learned it, so she would often get angry and blame me for causing it. So it was kind of a double edged sword. I was a "beautiful angel" one minute and "not good enough" the next. Just keep up the good work and remember they are trying their best. Also remember they aren't responsible for your mood. That's my only advice