Hi everyone! I am going through such a difficult time and wonder if any of you are experiencing something like this. Much of the time, while i practice the lessons....bringing these tools into various life situations, i feel elated and stronger than ever! Also, there are times (like right now) that I feel that i am going through a process akin to in-depth therapy. I don't know why this should surprise me, since in working at changing all kinds of behaviour, i come face to face with the dysfunction which was put into place in very early childhood. So that this 'triggers' old pain, great sadness, much anger, guilt,etc.. I never did get to sleep last night, due to an incident yesterday (where my communication skills just flew out the window and i reacted with anger and such hurt) I am particularly sensitive to this one person's way of talking, which often can sound very critical and preachy. (he doesn't see it, of course) I've been working so hard at lesson 4, for over 2 weeks, and with this person.....immediate gut reaction! And it opens up a well of tears and pain, originating with my parents. (i've been in therapy...and here we go again.The work isn't finished) I can accept that the practice of these lessons will bring up alot...whatever still sits inside of me and needs to be purged. I feel drained right now and overwhelmed with the work i've been doing. I am eager (on the one hand) to get on with lesson 6, Anger. I have known, for some time, that THIS is the area where i will find my lost motivation, my vitality. Anger is an emotion that MOVES us, puts us into motion....e-motion! And at the same time, i feel that adding on another focus, another lesson, right now....is like overload. I would so much appreciate feedback on this. Thank you so much. God bless and have a great day. *** What i am also noticing is that i am feeling 'disappointed' with myself...that it looks like recovery from years of panic disorder will take much longer than i'd hoped. I do replace this way of thinking with positive, realistic thoughts. Yet, it seems i still feel this way. I should also mention that through all of this, i feel very strong, as i have the spiritual foundation i have built up over the years, plus a way of talking to myself that keeps me from losing faith. Thanks for any feedback.

------------------
Linda

Lindi,

It's me, Cindy! Don't be disappointed in yourself! You are trying and that's all you can do. It sounds like you are trying too hard, but I know how you feel! Just look how far you have come. I feel the same way with the people around me who are negative and try to control me. I am not assertive enough with them, but I am trying, slowly...it will come. When I feel down I sit down and take a "reality check", kind of like the lady in tape 3 (I think) and tell myself how far I have come and where I am at now. I got told the other day that I wasn't trying hard enough to get over my condition, and that set me back. That night in my journal, I wrote how I felt about that (it was my #1 support person too). I was down most of the day, but after I wrote about what I have accomplished in my time already, I felt better. Anyway, what I guess I am trying to say is to not be disappointed in yourself. You have nothing to be disappointed in! Be proud of what you have accomplished, which sounds like you have accomplished a lot to me. Anyway, I will talk to you later! Keep your chin up and keep on succeeding!

Take care,
Cindy

Cindy, I saw your name and smiled. I read your first line and, without any warning, tears came flowing down my face....still smiling. You wrote "Please don't be disappointed in yourself" and i felt just how compassionate and loving we can be with one another, what big hearts we have and it's so beautiful! It's amazing, i just read that line again, and more crying. Not with sadness, but with how a loving, caring word can cut through everything...right to the heart. I was just thinking, the other day, that i have always said to others..."don't talk to yourself that way, it's cruel. Imagine you are talking to a little child, how would you speak?" And then i thought of something else: That we should think of what we feel like when someone pays undivided attention to what we are saying and feeling, is truly interested, has patience, creates an open, loving environment for us in which we feel free to open up. We feel appreciated, loved, not judged, we feel trust. And THAT is the way we must listen to ourselves!! If we want that attitude from others, then why wouldn't we give the same respect to ourselves! I hope you can 'feel' for yourself in the same way you just gave to me. I 'have' been proud of what i've been accomplishing lately and yet, i do feel disappointed in just how much i have to work through! Encouraging and loving self-talk, however, is the only way to keep moving on. Today, i took a complete break from all practice of this program, my instincts told me that was the best thing. I did not sleep one wink last night (which hardly ever happens) and was a zombie all day....but a happy zombie! Even though i am going through alot, i do feel stronger and have the conviction to keep at it. But Cindy, your encouragement was so greatly appreciated!!! God bless you and talk with you later. love.....Lindi

Lindi,
I can relate to what you said totally! I too get caught up in the whole "what do people think", but I am trying to overcome that. It's MY life, not theirs. I have to be proud of MY accomplishments not rely on others to see what I have done. It's hard, but we will succeed...one little step at a time. I was told that "you have a messed up brain" and the world "doesn't work around my brain". At the time, I was disappointed that I was told that. Looking back, who cares what THEY think!? I didn't HAVE to do listen to what was said, but yet I did. I DON'T have "a messed up brain", just one that needs reprogrammed! (I still ask for a reprogrammed brain, if someone asked what I want!) But WE learn to overcome what THEY say, because what matters is how WE overcome our fear, no matter how long it takes us! Lindi, you are a delight to talk with! I have enjoyed talking with you and have learned from you! We will show them! Every single one of them who doubts us, we will show them that we can do it, and we will succeed, even if it's not done "perfectly" or in a certain amount of time...at least we tried, we haven't failed cause we tried! Thanks for the message, again! I do hope and pray that things will get better for you.
Take care,
Cindy