Hello,

I am doing really well with the program so far (this is my second time around). I seem to be really stuck with expectations though. I think this might have been part of why I got to a place where I needed to go through the program again. Intellectually, I understand the idea behind changing my expectations. I just don't know how to do it. Actually, I think I can change my expectations of others but not of myself. I was brought up that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything, you put a 110% into what you do, and if you are going to do something, you do it right. Also I was taught that you don't make mistakes, and that you should be better than everyone else at everything. Of course now I am a super overachiever with a closet anxiety problem. How do I not give 200% to my work now? Do I lower my standards for myself? Do I do less than what I think I can do? This is all very confusing to me! I think this lesson might be really important for me because I know I have very high expectations for myself - and I think if I could get rid of the idea that everything I do, say, and own has to be "perfect" - I might be a lot happier. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

hi belinda, REALISTIC thinking says its not mathmatically possible to fill a glass with more than 100% of water...so why could it be possible realistically to do 110%? Impossible, REALISTICALLY. so check out those belief systems, no matter where they came from. that may have been all you knew, but it's not possible, realistically. black and white thinking, is not humanly possible. Again, another unrealistic belief system. Just a thought.

Hi Belinda,
I really like what HElizabeth said. Taking a good look at this belief would be very helpful. Lucinda talks a lot about treating yourself how you would treat your bestfriend or child. What seems realistic then? Are you speaking with compassion to yourself? This lesson really falls back on lesson 3 as well. Keep replacing those negative statements with truthful ones. You are learning to love yourself unconditionally with out any unrealistic expectations attached. What really helped me in this area was when I started a Bible Study with some ladies at church. That was a really big step for me because I hadn't been in the Church in over 10 years and I didn't know anyone. As I sat there and just listened it was such a relief to see that everyone has problems and fears. I began to lower my expectations that were so out of whack and I found that these ladies loved me just for who I was not what I did. I gained much peace from that experience. Have you read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself? Good Book! Blessings

Hey Belinda,
I was brought up to do the best you can, thats all you can do. You try to do more than is possible, yur rain barrel overflows with anxiety. Which is what we dont want. Sometimes are expectations of ourselves get way out of whack because we are trying to hard to get the approval of others. Be who YOU are, and expect only what you can give, and be proud of yourself for doing that. Take CareNelly

Belinda, I wonder what you mean by giving 200% at work. Do you work 80 hours instead of your required 40? You probably don't, but you might want to look at your challengs as finding balance. If you give too much of your life's energy to work, you won't have enough for family, friends, yourself, etc.

I work hard at my job and will work over if needed occasionally, but when my work time is over, I let it go. I have other committments to myself and family that are just as valuable as work.

Some workplaces will drain you if you let them, so it's a good idea to decide what you think is a fair day's work and provide that and then go live the rest of your life.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the advice. I think I am going to try a combination of your thoughts. I think I am going to have to constantly make sure there is a balance between the important elements of my life like work, family, friends, me-time, etc. I think I am also going to have to put my standards more inline with what I would recommend to a friend or a colleague and then LET IT GO...not beat myself up for not checking my work email from home, or going to a client's on my day off, or whatever it is. I guess I did not realize that this lesson was so closely tied to lesson 3 and now I do. Thanks!

Hi Belinda,

In the famous words of Lucinda herself, 'Stop shoulding all over yourself!' First of all, everybody makes mistakes, even you! I can certainly understand your desire to do everything to the best of your ability - I think many of us here share that ideal, but think about it this way - if you're giving 200% at work then something else in your life is suffering - maybe you're only giving 50% to your family or 25% to your health and well being. Like Elizabeth said - you can't fill a glass with more than 100% of water, right? Like many of us (myself included) you need to really examine your beliefs, and you need to rethink your priorities. Don't let other people's 'shoulds' become your own. Being successful is way more about having a good job and making a lot of money. If you have no one to share it with, what does it really mean?

Lighten up on yourself, and learn to be good to yourself! When the work day is done, leave it at the office until the next day. If you don't you're going to burn yourself out. My career is the one area of my life that I have managed rather successfully (i.e. my depression had not had a negative impact on it). I strive to give 100% every day and I've managed to steadily move up the food chain over the past few years, but when the day is done, I get in my car and drive home and don't give it another though until the next day.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! Remember to leave enough play time, and you'll see your productivity at work improve because your mind will be more clear.

Be good to yourself!

Hello Belinda,

For me, lowering expectations was one of the hardest things that I had to do in order to get better. I was a 110%-er who was the Mohammad Ali of beating himself up.

It's like anything else, start with small steps. When I saw that the salt shaker was where the pepper shaker was supposed to be and vice versa, I let them stay where they were. I used what I learned from the program to banish the resulting anxiety. Then I used a lot of positive self-talk to praise my efforts.

Then when-- much to my surprise-- the world continued to spin on its axis even with my salt and pepper shaker in different places, I used it as motivation to try and let go of other things. I've found that I'm a lot calmer and happier now that I'm learning to let go of the trivial things.

Please give it a try. You'll be amazed at how many things that you thought were absolute necessities to keep life going are actually little trivialities.

--PJ