You are reading their minds from inside your mind. If your mind is negative you will make up what they are thinking in a negative context. YOU respect yourself and the rest will follow. What other people think of me is-none of my business.

I used to allow other people's moods to affect me. I have worked on that for a long time and am pretty good at knowing when to walk with them - for example this morning a friend was talking to me about my husband and he started to cry...I thought it was just fine that I had some tears too. Later there was someone who was whinny and negative, I was able to think, "This is Not my problem, nor can I help solve it. I can let go and allow this person to figure it out. It is their "workshop" not mine."

Love yourself, C.

WOW, This is the main cause of all my anxiety. What other people think of me or how other peoples moods are my fault when they are around me. I have full blown anxiety about these things. What sessions in the program should I pay most attention to to help me get over this? "what other people think of me is none of my business" is going on my bathroom mirror!!!

quote:

YOU respect yourself and the rest will follow. What other people think of me is-none of my business.

Yes! Excellent! This is what I DO understand!

quote:

"This is Not my problem, nor can I help solve it. I can let go and allow this person to figure it out. It is their "workshop" not mine."

I completely get this too...I think! But when you have the SAME person, day in, day out, same whiney thing...you get tired of it because it DOES drag you down because you do like the person even if they cannot do the simpliest things to help themselves or see any joy in their life. You would like to be friends with them because when they were not like that they were a complete pleasure, but after someone is like this for a couple years or even longer, what does one do??? Not answer the door, let the phone ring, do not return calls, tell them point blank they are a downer? You kinda feel bad for wanting to drop "a friend in need", but really when is enough, ENOUGH!???

Good post Carolyn!
This really hits home...I am learning to walk-away from people that are negative or mean-spirited. We express what we internalize. If we are an unhappy person, it comes through everything we do and say. "We are a window to our souls." As I look at the number of posts I have made, I wonder how many were helpful or how many may have been taken the wrong way.

This is a thoughty subject isn't it...
Steve, #1 your posts are wonderful...you are kind...IF a post is taken other than you meant it-in my opinion the reader must take responsiblilty for his/her part in the interpretation. ? This program is all about taking personal responsibility...it's part of the growth needed...if someone takes something I or you, or anyone writes, in a way that we didn't intend, perhaps it will help them grow

Schnua...I think we need to give ourselves permission to control visits and calls. When I first went through the program it became clear to me that I was going to lose some friends. yikes that hurt. It was a slow process (isn't everything a process? ) but slowly some of us drifted apart. I do believe that if we don't grow together we can grow apart and that is natural. We are with people for a time - to help each other - and then part and sometimes-come back together...ebb and flow.

Some people were no longer good for me-I tried to bring them to see how I was looking at things but after a few sarcastic remarks and put downs...time to move on and hope for the best. [It all worked out for the good of all.]

Now here's a twist for us to contemplate...what if the person that is negative and whinny is a close family member-actually living in your home!? YIkes Other than try to give them positive attention, love, and taking Breaks...any other suggestions.

Nicolene, I am so glad that you had an "ah ha" moment- I LOVE those! Here are a couple books to add to your program: YOUR ERRONEOUS ZONES, by Dyer, and YOUR PERFECT RIGHT, by Emmons.

Carolyn

Wow Great thoughts! Carolyn is in the pulpit today!!!! I am just kiddin...

We all love ya...Steve

quote:

Originally posted by Carolyn Dickman:
Now here's a twist for us to contemplate...what if the person that is negative and whinny is a close family member-actually living in your home!?

Exactly...what if that person is your own mother? I no longer live at home with her...but what do you do when the person you tend to need love and support and understanding from the most can't give you those things? What do you do when every little thing you do is blown out of proportion and is "bad, bad, bad"?
I'm 22 and the youngest of two. My entire life, my mom has influenced my thinking. I may not be freaked out about something...but when I tell her, and she freaks out, I start getting anxious. For example, my boyfriend is from Argentina and it could be that I go with him for a visit late next year. I'm fine with it, I've never been on a plane, but I think I'll be ok with that...I know my boyfriend wouldn't take me to a place that would put me in danger, and I know of other people who have been there and loved it. I'm not worried. My parents, however, don't like the idea at all. They don't want me to leave the country. So then I start thinking that I should be worried about it. But I know, in my heart, it'll be fine and I refuse to let them talk me out of something that could be an amazing experience.
When I am freaked out about something, she'll often make it seem like it's stupid. Or say "we all have to do things we don't want to do", which has never made much sense to me. If there's something you don't want to do...don't do it. No one but yourself is twisting your arm.
But there's just little things like that all the time with my mom. She's a very negative person...but she doesn't understand my issues with anxiety/depression because, according to her, she's never had those problems. She's obsessive, too. There hasn't been a day since my sister and I moved out together (nearly 2 years ago) that she hasn't called. And many times, she calls more than once...sometimes 4-5 times in one day. And if I don't answer the phone, she'll call that many times within a few hours.
So what do you do with people like that when they're so closely related?

Carolyn,

What do you do when the person is say your husband?

I, unfortunately, am married to a man who is not very supportive and respectful. When I originally bought the program I had to hide it for I knew he would think negatively of it, like he does with almost everything.

When he came home yesterday from work he noticed I had the CD/DVD player in our room and when I told him why, he made some negative derogatory comment instead of being supportive of the fact that I was finally using it.

I actually asked him if he would consider listening to it with me. I figured since he wasn't open to marriage counseling to help us communicate better, maybe this program could help us fix our problems individually, but we could do it together. He doesn't feel he has any problems with anxiety. If you knew him, he is the classic "What iffer" and lives his life constantly thinking he "should have".

I can't say no more. Thank God for my family, close friends, and this community for the support I need. Maybe he'll see the light when he sees the differences this program will bring to my life...

Cosmicgirl
My mother was never whiney, but when she lived in the same town as me, she called me all the time, several times a day. We had our own business and i knew she needed attention, but at times i just couldnt give her what she needed. She loved to write poetry, one of the few things she would do. But she always did it by hand.
So for Christmas one year My husband and I bought her a word processer... Best thing we ever did!!!! It helped to fill her time during the day, and instead of her calling me 4 or 5 times a day, I would call her in the morning,, and check on her,,, then maybe once when i got home from work. It certainly helped ME alot.
My mother was in her late 60's and i beleive she was just very lonely!!!
Dont beat yourself up about it, and when you do talk to her,, be positive in everything you say. If she starts in with the negative, just change the subject. Sometimes parents wont let thier kids grow up. Sometimes, some of us arent caretakers, some of us want to share with out parents our goals and our excitement. But, if they react negatively,, then dont share with them,, share with a friend.... Its hard, i know.
But, be happy for YOU!!! and the accomplishments you are making and Pooh on those who dont get it Nelly

quote:

Originally posted by lazmom:
Carolyn,

What do you do when the person is say your husband?

I, unfortunately, am married to a man who is not very supportive and respectful. When I originally bought the program I had to hide it for I knew he would think negatively of it, like he does with almost everything.

When he came home yesterday from work he noticed I had the CD/DVD player in our room and when I told him why, he made some negative derogatory comment instead of being supportive of the fact that I was finally using it.

I actually asked him if he would consider listening to it with me. I figured since he wasn't open to marriage counseling to help us communicate better, maybe this program could help us fix our problems individually, but we could do it together. He doesn't feel he has any problems with anxiety. If you knew him, he is the classic "What iffer" and lives his life constantly thinking he "should have".

I can't say no more. Thank God for my family, close friends, and this community for the support I need. Maybe he'll see the light when he sees the differences this program will bring to my life...

Hello,

This is the first time I am posting since I joined today so I hope I am doing this right! So here goes.... It's my fist day also with the program. I have the same problem with my husband, as I was reading your message, it sounds so fimulair. He does not really want to know anything about it, he says to me, "whats wrong with you" and "there is nothing wrong with you" and "stop the nonsense!" and so on. So, I found myself hiding my program also wondering... what is he going to think now?.. I have no support from him regarding this what so ever! I don't have much family, so my suppost system is not that good. I turn to friends and thank god I have a few understanding ones, I really feel alone with this, and I have to work at it all by myself. So, I can understand what you are feeling. Looking for some positve reinforcement. Good luck to you!

Hello Lisa and welcome! I too have just started to post and I really enjoy the chat rooms--it is so comforting to know that there are so many of us working through the anxiety and such. I, too, have a non-supporting husband. I just went ahead and charged the program and put me first, for a change, and it was the best decision I have ever made (life-saving actually). It seems my husband respects me more for finally taking a stand for myself--he sees that I am a stronger person and my life has improved so much because of it. My family is in NJ and I live in Florida now, so I only had the Good Lord and phone calls to Mom (who is my rock) to get me through. I have friends but I am the kind of person who doesn't want to "dump" on anyone and really don't have a best friend here anyway. But you have come to the right place for support even if it is online. Hope this helps.

Cynthia

quote:

Originally posted by Lisa C:

quote:

Originally posted by lazmom:
Carolyn,

What do you do when the person is say your husband?

I, unfortunately, am married to a man who is not very supportive and respectful. When I originally bought the program I had to hide it for I knew he would think negatively of it, like he does with almost everything.

When he came home yesterday from work he noticed I had the CD/DVD player in our room and when I told him why, he made some negative derogatory comment instead of being supportive of the fact that I was finally using it.

I actually asked him if he would consider listening to it with me. I figured since he wasn't open to marriage counseling to help us communicate better, maybe this program could help us fix our problems individually, but we could do it together. He doesn't feel he has any problems with anxiety. If you knew him, he is the classic "What iffer" and lives his life constantly thinking he "should have".

I can't say no more. Thank God for my family, close friends, and this community for the support I need. Maybe he'll see the light when he sees the differences this program will bring to my life...

Hello,

This is the first time I am posting since I joined today so I hope I am doing this right! So here goes.... It's my fist day also with the program. I have the same problem with my husband, as I was reading your message, it sounds so fimulair. He does not really want to know anything about it, he says to me, "whats wrong with you" and "there is nothing wrong with you" and "stop the nonsense!" and so on. So, I found myself hiding my program also wondering... what is he going to think now?.. I have no support from him regarding this what so ever! I don't have much family, so my suppost system is not that good. I turn to friends and thank god I have a few understanding ones, I really feel alone with this, and I have to work at it all by myself. So, I can understand what you are feeling. Looking for some positve reinforcement. Good luck to you!

Lazmom and Lisa,
Welcome to the site
Unfortuntely,, if your spouse doesnt have anxiety,, they are NOT going to understand it. Now in the beginning,, they may , cause they are scared, just like you. But once you go to the doc and he says, your physically fine, its anxiety,, thats when your husband seems to turn off.
My husband for a long time,, couldnt understand why i just couldnt "get over it" to.
But, after years of having it,, and not knowing what to do,, he just got apathetic about it. Went on doing the things he enjoyed without me.
It took a long time for me to realize, I had to do something about it myself. It trully was my disorder, that I had to overcome, regardless whether i had support or not.
Thats why this program is so good. Its "Personal" to each person with anxiety. It touches all bases of your life. And gives Help and Skills to go forward and you will change because of it... Funny thing was, My husband noticed the changes before i did. LOL
Dont hide your program, do it when you can and often. This is nothing to be ashamed of!!! Millions of people have it and its time, we just decided, we are going for it!!! Whether anyone cares or helps us or not!! Good Luck to both of you!!!!

Ditto on the non-supportive husband. I used to let it bother me, but I've gotten past that. I had hoped for support by way of understanding and empathy - or at least sympathy - but none of that was forthcoming.

I started looking at the lack of understanding as something that might actually help me help myself. When my husband didn't express care and understanding as I went through panic attack after panic attack, but instead told me I just needed to calm down and distract myself, I thought, he's right! It may not be easy for me to do that, but that IS what I need to do. He can't do that for me and feeding my panic by trying to by sympathetic won't help me help myself!

I need to be the one to pull myself out of this. I need to be my best support person. I need to develop the coping skills to depend on myself. It was a tough lesson at first, but I think I made it past the panic much better because the non-support!

quote:

Originally posted by Mello Nello:
Cosmicgirl
My mother was never whiney, but when she lived in the same town as me, she called me all the time, several times a day. We had our own business and i knew she needed attention, but at times i just couldnt give her what she needed. She loved to write poetry, one of the few things she would do. But she always did it by hand.
So for Christmas one year My husband and I bought her a word processer... Best thing we ever did!!!! It helped to fill her time during the day, and instead of her calling me 4 or 5 times a day, I would call her in the morning,, and check on her,,, then maybe once when i got home from work. It certainly helped ME alot.
My mother was in her late 60's and i beleive she was just very lonely!!!
Dont beat yourself up about it, and when you do talk to her,, be positive in everything you say. If she starts in with the negative, just change the subject. Sometimes parents wont let thier kids grow up. Sometimes, some of us arent caretakers, some of us want to share with out parents our goals and our excitement. But, if they react negatively,, then dont share with them,, share with a friend.... Its hard, i know.
But, be happy for YOU!!! and the accomplishments you are making and Pooh on those who dont get it Nelly

Thanks, Nelly. I honestly don't have a clue what I could do to keep my mom busy. I swear, the only things she does are household chores and talking on the phone, when she's not working (she works at a school, so she's off during the summers)...and most of the time when she does talk on the phone, she's talking about work. Even my boyfriend has commented on her lack of interests. Her life has completely revolved around her family.
I know she creates many of my "shoulds"...the other day, for instance, I had had a job interview (she's been hounding me for months to get another job, which I do need to because i'm not getting nearly enough hours currently). "Is it full-time or part-time?" she asked. "I don't know...the interview was so brief I didn't ask." Her reply was "Ugh....well, you should've asked...it would've been nice to have known that," in a rather hateful tone (which she uses quite often even when she's not mad).
I dunno...I wish I could have a mom that spoke nothing but positive, comforting, supportive words...but I don't...and I guess I'm just going to have to learn to adjust to that (you'd think I would've by now).

quote:

Originally posted by Mello Nello:
Lazmom and Lisa,
Welcome to the site
Unfortuntely,, if your spouse doesnt have anxiety,, they are NOT going to understand it. Now in the beginning,, they may , cause they are scared, just like you. But once you go to the doc and he says, your physically fine, its anxiety,, thats when your husband seems to turn off.
My husband for a long time,, couldnt understand why i just couldnt "get over it" to.
But, after years of having it,, and not knowing what to do,, he just got apathetic about it. Went on doing the things he enjoyed without me.
It took a long time for me to realize, I had to do something about it myself. It trully was my disorder, that I had to overcome, regardless whether i had support or not.
Thats why this program is so good. Its "Personal" to each person with anxiety. It touches all bases of your life. And gives Help and Skills to go forward and you will change because of it... Funny thing was, My husband noticed the changes before i did. LOL
Dont hide your program, do it when you can and often. This is nothing to be ashamed of!!! Millions of people have it and its time, we just decided, we are going for it!!! Whether anyone cares or helps us or not!! Good Luck to both of you!!!!

Hello Everyone!

Thank you for your response and encouragement. I am on day 1, so far so good, but I still have a long way to go. My anxiety seems to be triggered when I am worried about myself physically. The smallest thing, and I think I am DYING!! I have been to doctors and have been told that I am perfectly healthy. No matter how much I am told that I still think this,thoughts lead to panic and anxiety attacks. I have had a few REAL bad ones in my life but I just realized lately that I have to do something about it. I lost my mother when I was only 12 yrs old to cancer, It was very tramitizing for me as a child to see that. I was devastated! Ever since I have had this fear of following in my mothers footsteps, thinking I am going to be just like her in her sickness. It haunts me all the time. The smallest thing I think the WORST!!! and to only find out it's really nothing. I have worked myself up for nothing. Has anyone had a simulair experience? This really drives me nutts and I don't want to feel this way anymore, I let my mind get the best of me. I always think the worst is going to happen to me. I pray to god that he will give me the strength to get through the next weeks to come. I am about to listen to my relaxation cd before I go to bed, I am looking forward to it, so this will be the end of my fist day with the program.