I'm new to the online stuff as of today. I'm havivg alot of trouble with this lesson. My expectations seem too high. My whole list of "shoulds" are all mine. I thought last week would be hard, but I did ok. This week is confussing to me. I can't seem to not have "shoulds" or figure out how to lower my expectations of myself? Can anyone help with maybe how they overcame or changed this?

Thanx, Jodi

Mopar,

If you felt comfortable giving an example or two...that might help zero in a response on something specific you’d find useful...but here are some things to consider.

If you cannot, at the moment, see how to change your expectations...then perhaps, take a look at how you can make changes to your reward and punishment policy when you don’t live up to the expectations. Compare how you reward/punish others when they don’t live up to your expectations vs. how you reward/punish yourself...chances are you are far harder, less forgiving and less compassionate to yourself in this regard. And this is a good place to start practicing making use of lesson 3 skills. Same holds true for shoulds...

I may say I expect the same from others as I do myself...but in practice, for people like us...this is rarely true I think. I expect an employee to make it to work on time...but I forgive them when they don’t...and even make compassionate excuses for them in my head (ie. they’re struggling with xyz this week, they don’t get paid enough, we’re all over worked etc.) But...do we forgive ourselves and do we make compassionate excuses for us in our defense? If we do not...then in reality...we expect more of ourselves...are unforgiving when we're less than perfect...are uncompassionate and unsupportive when we have a legitimate excuse.

Expectations come in many shapes and sizes...and in addition to the more obvious of, what do I expect of others, what do they expect of me, what do I expect of myself...there are expectations like these: What do I expect of time, what do I expect of my daily schedule, of vacation, of my car, my finances etc. When I sat back for the first time and thought about the amount of ‘little things’ I expect everyday...the toaster to work, the car to start, the traffic pattern to be the same today as yesterday, sun instead of rain...then I truly began to understand how directly expectations governed the flow of my day...influenced whether I was calm or angry, satisfied or unsatisfied.

Something that’s helped me with ‘shoulds’ is...to try and clearly define what I "Have" to do vs. what I "Wan"t to do...what I "Need" to do vs. what I "Want" to do...what I "Should" do vs. what I "Want" to do. Many things we tell ourselves ‘we have to do’ end up being things we want to do. If you can change the word 'should' into 'want', then you may find something positive. For example...I say that I “have to go to the store and I hate going to the store”...but when I think about it...what I want is bread for dinner (I don’t need bread...I can eat something else or nothing)...and since I want this bread and the store has it and it is my choice...then in reality...I Want to go to the store. When we use this thinking...it makes a huge difference in how we feel throughout the day. How many of your shoulds are wants...how many are wants that are positive?

And then really challenging that should list...with a positive dialogue...will bring some more things to light. Example...let’s say your list includes...”I should be a decent person and I should always try to do my best” How can someone argue with the legitimacy and expectations of those shoulds?

I should be a decent person...okay...how about we start with, "I am a decent person." I am who I am...I ‘want’ to be and have decided to be a decent person and have tried my whole life to be decent. And decent people make mistakes...decent people uspest other people unintentionally or even intentionally...so a better question to ask with this one is...what to I 'Expect' of a person who is decent? Do I expect perfection? How about...”I should be a decent person to myself?” Well again...I’d say...this is something you Want...now it's a positive ideal...and here is an opportunity to think about all the little things you have and have not done to achieve this...and with this list...then you can start making changes that are real.

I should always try to do my best. First, that word always is a trap...it’s most certainly an ‘expectation’ we can not live up to. Always? Aren’t there just some days when we just won’t feel like it...and isn’t that okay? So...I should try to do my best. Again...just changing that should into I want makes a big difference. I want to do my best. Okay...so how have we gone about trying to make that happen? It’s another chance for us to see the positive things we have done...take steps to be more supportive and correct the things we haven't done that we 'want' to do for ourselves...and to use positive dialogue (lesson 3) to take some steps towards supporting us.

Not sure if any of the above was on target or useful but...there have been some really good threads on this in the past, that cover all kinds of questions and thoughts...maybe look thru this Lesson 4 forum and check out the other threads or throw out an example here if you’re up to it.

Take care
JOP

Thanx JOP...
Cool name by the way. I can give you a few examples. I really hoped my hubby was going to be helpful or supportive or sometimes just listen to me as I go thru these lessons, but he always turns the subject back on himself. I did expect more of him as my partner.

I have had this old saying for years: that I never expected anything, and when I received exactly that, I was never disappointed. At work I would watch the ones I call the 60% people. I could not understand how I could give 100% or more, and they could do just enough not to get fired. I would have fired those if I had been the boss.

I have a control issue that I've known about for years. I try to work on that all the time. I've always been the head of the family in every way even tho I'm not the man, and now I expect to do the same when I go back to work. I expect to have it all together just like before...but the $ could be just a want.

I do thank you so much for your letter. As I look at the list I made "want" fits in well in every sentance.

Thanx, Jodi
(mopar)

Hi mopar...Thx as well

I found 2 previous posts about ‘shoulds’ and ‘expectations’ you might find useful. The links are below...they’re both from a single thread that contains a number of views and questions and thoughts.

http://bbs.stresscenter.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6701.../318101282#318101282

http://bbs.stresscenter.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6701.../564109065#564109065

In the above post, I mention something I believe deep down...it is not the ‘expectation’ or the ‘should’ itself, that creates difficulty for us...everyone has expectations and shoulds. But it’s what we do and don’t do with them, the negative way we view them, the actions they suggest we take or not take...and whether we take or don't take them...these are the things that ultimately must change in order to bring ourselves relief. Identifying these shoulds and expectations is where it starts...it is the vehicle that gets us to an issue we are having...but in order to change the expectation or should...we need to change our dialogue and perspective about them. And that, by default, is what lowers the expectation and replaces or removes the should.

To your specific examples...

I have been extremely fortunate in having a very supportive wife. She has exceeded my expectations but you know? There is one thing she wouldn’t do that really perplexed me. I really wanted her to listen to the program tape meant for family members...but told her it was her option, no pressure...she said she was interested...but to this day, she’s not listened to it. I realized I did expected her to listen to it and for a time, I held this expectation above all others...and for a time...my disappointment in her not living up to this one expectation, overshadowed and muddied all the expectations she was meeting and exceeding. We have lots of expectations...and it helps to view them as a group...so that one negative outcome does not come to outweigh the positives of other’s that are being met...or even exceeded.

One thing about our spouses, partners and friends...if they don’t struggle with our issues of anxiety/depression...might there be limitations to the support they can offer? If we recognize these limitations...have we adjusted our expectations...lowered them? This topic of anxiety/depression is very important to me...but ‘should’ I expect my wife to possess and express interest in talking about these skills at all? Can I expect her to enjoy talking about it the way I do? Can I expect her or my few friends to understand? And can you imagine, if my posts are this long...how long my ‘live’ discussions and thoughts with them last! LOL And please don’t take the above questions as negative or attacks...I’m not assuming your expectations are too high...just posing some questions from the outside...healthy things to consider in all areas of our expectations...a way to get a handle on how reasonable an expectation is or is not.

My father was a person I talked to a lot while going thru the program, talking to him on the phone for hours about what I was learning and how these skills amazed me and applied to me. Then one day I realized, as he talked at great length about an interest he has, a hobby I have zero understanding or interest in...I realized I wasn’t really listening to him...I had nothing to offer really, except listening...and I wanted to be thinking and doing my own things, and I actually realized then, that I avoid the conversation of his hobby when he brings it up. Now...after all the listening he had done for me...how was I in turn living up to his expectations? Or my own expectation...I expect myself to return his patience and understanding and wasn't. This made me consider that in my case (not saying you are), I was expecting too much of others who do not understand, who may not have the vested interest I have. Not everyone is as good a listener as my father...and as I’ve taken time to work on myself for a change...I have not been as good a listener to my friends and family as I have been in the past. I have come to realize in a kind way...that I don't always live up to my own expectations...and it has made me more understanding and accepting of others in this area. Maybe they are trying harder than I give them credit for...maybe they are struggling as I am. Maybe a lot of people experience their imperfect moments right in front of me.

Some questions to consider in respect to your husband and expectations you have. How would you rate his listening skills in general? How often does he typically turn a subject back on himself? Is this his way of understanding things, talking out loud, relating and supporting thru personal experience? Is his lack of understanding, perhaps standing out more, than his lack of trying or the way he tries? Do we at times place too much emphasis on the expectation of results...rather than on the expectation of effort? Is this an area where he typically falls short in your opinion/experience (even if your expectations in this area are reasonable)? If so...then we get to use that word ‘want’ again. I want him to be a better listener and supporter...but I can’t really expect this of him...especially if he has shown me in the past he’s just not very good at this. I can expect...since he doesn’t really understand what I am going thru...that his advice is probably not going to be as useful as I 'want'. (I absolutely hate when my wife is sick or experiencing something ongoing that I have no control over or no understanding of...sometimes my inability to help and the resulting frustration I feel...belies how much I care and want to help) I’m not suggesting that we make excuses...just suggesting the benefits of seeing the positives...finding a balance between allowing in the positives as well as the negatives.

Figuring out what we expect is a really key first step. But then we need to ask...what is it about this expectation that bothers me? (And this directly ties into lesson 3...how is my negative dialogue about this expectation affecting how I feel about it...what negative statements can I replace with a positive one) This is more helpful in addressing and changing expectations...than simply trying to convince our self to expect less...which hasn't worked for me anyway. For example: When my partner doesn’t live up to an expectation...it doesn’t mean they don’t love me...or that they don’t care...it might just mean they aren’t sure how to help or that I have maybe, not communicated what type of help I’m looking for well enough. There are so many legitimate possibilities that have the ability to make me feel encouraged instead of discouraged...and it’s a great benefit for us to consider both possibilities...rather than just accepting the negative, or trying to fool ourselves into believing only the positive. Give both positive and negative perspectives a voice and in doing this, I believe...we begin to form the basis of our positive statement acceptance.

All of the above applies to the work example as well. And it’s difficult and takes time. Control is a biggie for most of us and the majority of these skills, each in their own way...really do address some form of helping us to view, use or let go of areas where we struggle with control. Work is a challenge, because it brings us face to face with our ‘want’ of fairness and equality...and our wish that more felt as we do. But, given the realities we live...are these things we can expect? It’s okay to want more...that’s positive and motivating. Perhaps there are less '60 per centers' than we have chosen to convince ourselves there are...and do they seem happy...is their life going in a direction we want for ourselves...do they have something we want? Probably not...and we cannot change them...so why focus on them? Counter the negative with a positive. When I see a slacker...what if I think of 3 others who work very hard...this is what I mean by counter...it frames the ratio as 3 to 1 in the positive light...and uses a truth we believe to do it.

I know when I started this lesson...I equated expecting less with giving up values and the like. I equated expecting less with giving in to a defeatist mentality. But this is not what we’re being asked to do...and I don’t even think we’re being asked to directly change the expectations we have. I’ve found it more useful to think of it in these terms: that we’re being asked to think about our expectations in light of a new understanding and appreciation for how perfectionism works against us, to compare expectation to want. Being asked to apply our positive self-talk to the subject...to consider if we might be using black and white thinking in terms of our expectations. Not that our expectations are bad...just that how we think of them and what we tell ourselves about them when they are met or not met...that this may not be as healthy and supportive of ourselves and our goals, as our dialogue and perspective could be.

This lesson on expectations took a long time to really sink in for me...a long time for me to realize how intricately expectations are woven throughout our everyday. And it took me awhile to figure out that these lessons all tie into each other...they are separate subjects...but all a part of the same puzzle. Whenever you find yourself hung-up a bit on a lesson...apply positive self-talk to it...look for an understanding that makes you feel supported, calm, reassured, okay. This will be leading your understanding and change, in a way that makes sense to you.

My best
JOP