Hi all,
Haven't been on in a LONG time. That's a good thing because I'm engaged in life and using the skills I learned through this program last year. Cant' say enough good things about it and the positive influence it has had on my life. I am going through it for the THIRD time and loving it just as much. I thank God for Lucinda and everyone at the MWC almost daily.

But I'm bumping along today and struggling once more, on that "gut level" as Carolyn has said, with the fact that "life's not fair."
I won't go into details, because they can fuel other anxieties, but I rec'd bad news about a friend and I'm mad about it. I'm also scared. And it all brings me right back to a core issue that I am still trying to work out. I lost my dad at 15 and I don't want to leave my kids with the same heartache. So I wrestle with God over my health issues! I'm so sick of it! I want to just lay it down, and sometimes I think I have, and then I hear a sad story or bad piece of news, OR I get a new ache or pain I've never had before and it all just comes flooding up to the top again. I beat myself up too because it seems so selfish to hear bad news and think about MYSELF! But I can't help it....that's what happens.
I know from the program that it's expectations and control that I'm struggling with. I wish I could hear that one magical line that would just free me. I feel like I'm in bondage to my fear of disease.
When I have a health issue I can't stand it because I feel frustrated by the responsibility over my own health. Do I go to the doctor? Do I ignore it? What if it's something that shouldn't be ignored....blah blah blah. When you get to the doctor then it's this test and that test and they never say what you want to hear which is that it's nothing to worry about, they just say, "well, we could do this or we could do that test." It seems to open up MORE questions! Aargh!
For the past 7 years I've eaten a really healthy diet, exercised, I drink lots of water, take vitamins three times a day, etc. I do all that I can do! I'm sick of living in fear of my own cells! (lol)
I feel like I'm still that 15 year old girl trying to figure out why bad things happen and trying to stick my finger in the imaginary dike to keep all of it out of MY life. Doesn't work!
I told God that I want some guarantees! (lol) Boy, wouldn't that be great if He just came to me and said, "Hey, don't sweat it, you're going to live to 95. Now relax and enjoy life!" That's what I REALLY want and I know it's not going to happen! (lol) So I feel like a kid today that is stomping her foot and begging.

Thanks for listening to my venting.....any thoughts or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Many blessings to you all!
Psalm91
Tricia

That's EXACTLY how I feel. I constantly worry about health issues. Every ache or twing in my body causes me to overreact. It feels good to know that i'm not the only one who does this.

Try to realize that God is in control of your life even though you feel completely helpless.
Take comfort in that.
Know that he has a plan for you and your children and he not only loves you, but wants the very best for you.
We don't get any assurance or guarantees in life except for the fact that life is hard and life is not fair.
If you are following God, your life will play out according to his design and so will your children's.
Nothing happens to you that HE has not allowed.
Instead of constantly worrying about your health, pray for God's will and ask for guidance and the strength to face whatever lies ahead.
Life is unpredictable and scary, but it doesn't have to be that way -- fear only has as much power over you as YOU give it.
Fear does not come from God.
He tells us to worry for nothing.
Even if your worst fear came true, you have to know that God loves your children even more than you do and he will be their shield and protection.
Bottom line, you can not change ANYTHING by worrying. All you can achieve with worry and fear are more symptoms to worry about. You are in a vicious self perpetuated cycle.
End it and give everything up to God and keep giving it back every day as many times a day as you have to until you can just let it all go.
Trust the One who made you and knows you better than you know yourself to carry you through.

MT 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Take care and God bless.
Kim

Camille - I hope we BOTH get freed of this I can encourage you that it is MUCH better for me since completing the program but bad news will bring it to the surface again, or any new and unusual symptom. I want the chains cut and to be really free. I'll pray for the same for you.

Kim,
I can't thank you enough for your words of encouragement. I know what you have written here is truth and I have printed it out to read to myself when I'm in the middle of a health anxiety episode. It does come down to trusting God, doesn't it? Since completing the program, I have been able to have glimpses of being "o.k." with the fact that my health and the health of my loved ones is NOT guaranteed. But then I find myself wrestling again. The roots are deep into my teen years and the loss of a parent that I experienced. I pray that I can focus on God's love for me and my kids. You are right and I appreciate you taking the time to articulate such a heartfelt, loving and truthful response to me. It really touched my spirit! Thanks for being a sister in Christ and reaching out to help. Many blessings to you!

Last night I picked up a book that I had bought right before ordering the program last year. It's called, "How to Stop Obsessing About Your Health" and she describes this as health anxiety. Anyway, the book had gotten shelved because the program took all my time. But I started reading it again last night. Much of it reinforces the program skills but there is much stuff specific to this issue. Perhaps a group of us would want to do it together? I'll post to the book study board.

Blessings to all,
Psalm91
Tricia

Tricia,
I'm glad you got my message.
You are God's chosen child. He loves you so much.
I'm glad you pulled your book on obsessing over your health out and are reading it again.
God gives us wonderful tools to heal ourselves with his help.
I'm so sorry you lost your father when you were soyoung. Such a devastating event in your formative years! We learn when we are young how we are going to view the world later in life and you must have been very hurt, confused and scared. Let God tend to your 'inner child' and heal her. Love yourself and comfort yourself when ever you can, instead of beating yourself up.
I know you are wrestling right now -- the devil certainly doesn't want you to be happy or well! You are working toward those things and he will do whatever he can to stop you. But remember that God is stronger!!!
I know this sounds really silly, but when I get scared during evil attacks, I sing this song from Veggie Tales... "God is bigger than the Boogie Man..."
It really does make me feel better and it reminds me who is really in control!
Take care and keep up the work you have started.
Kim

Tricia I sweetheart I know how you feel! I have always been so worried of dying and now since I have 2 children I'm even more scared. I don't want to leave them. I recently went through a rough time well to me it was. I went to the doc because I had a swollen rib,and still do. Well they sent me to have a ct scan and it came back normal. Well I was worried to death I had got on the internet looking up all kinds of health problems. I thouhgt I had cancer but I didn't know what kind . I thought I had sarcoma cancer. I prayed so much those few days and I felt so lost. I thought what if I die what will happen to my kids!!!! I had never been so upset in my life. I'm like you I would like a guarantee to be I guess it doesn't work like that!! I thought to myself if I find out that I'm fine then I will never obsses about this anxiety crap again. Life's to short well I lied to myself. I am still worred though even though the test came back normal. They didn't even say what wrong. I called and asked well do they want to do anymore tests. They said everythings fine well why is my rib area still swollen. I hope they didn't miss something I don't want to die over it!!1 See your not the only one who feels like this I might even be worse than you!!! Well sweety you take care of yourself and no worrying today lol......

When I have a health issue I can't stand it because I feel frustrated by the responsibility over my own health. Do I go to the doctor? Do I ignore it? What if it's something that shouldn't be ignored....blah blah blah. When you get to the doctor then it's this test and that test and they never say what you want to hear which is that it's nothing to worry about, they just say, "well, we could do this or we could do that test." It seems to open up MORE questions! Aargh!

Here is the issue. You feel responsible over your own health. Do you think you have failed if you have a health issue? A disease? A chronic illness? Ask yourself if you are TOTALLY responsible for your health. Did someone make that 15 year old girl feel TOO responsible? I remember having the guilts put on me every time I got sick. For the longest time I felt emotional distress every time I got sick. Guilt. Low self esteem. No self worth. Only healthy people have a place in this world. So if I don't want to be shoved aside like yesterday's garbage, I'd better stay healthy! Not even a cold!!

I started to move past my fear of disease and ill health when I saw myself as valuable - no matter my current state of health. I wanted to toss this idea out there for you to see if it could be your belief also.

Ask yourself how you feel about "you" when you are sick and when you are healthy. Unconditional love says "I love you in sickness and health."

Maybe God doesn't want you to "lay this down". Maybe with a little more effort and questioning you could be free of this fear of disease.

Here's a guarantee: God loves you even at your worst.

Think about it.
Tammy

(how is your friend doing?)

Dear Tricia and gang.....
as i read all your posts its as if i've written them myself... I too Have a huge fear of Death (for diffrent resons)
i spent the whole of last weekend debating if i should go to the Dr's or not... is it anxiety or cancer? is it depression or some other life threating illness?....
But as i was reading your posts... the penny drop!!!
We are so busy worring over the "D" thing
that we are not LIVING the life we have.
I hope we can all over come our negative thinking
and turn our lives round and start LIVING
my thoughts are with you all
Bex

Kim, Kurstin, Baked Pears and Bex,

Thanks so much for responding.....much appreciated!

You have given me much to think about.....I printed out your posts and am prayerfully considering what you have shared.

Kim - thanks for your follow up! You are a dear and I printed our your response and cried happy tears....thanks for the reminder of God's unfailing love.

Tammy,
Yes, you are RIGHT! I do feel responsibility, so much so that it took me several times reading your post to realize that this was not balanced! lol
It seems such a part of me and my thought process about my body and my health. I think that if I make the wrong decision about what to check out, what to ignore OR even if a doctor made a mistake, that it would be MY FAULT because I didn't try hard enough to find an answer to my symptom and now I'm stuck with some disease. Perfectionism, no? And also totally unrealistic and incredibly stressful!
I am reading a book called "How to stop worrying about your health" and I am arguing outloud with the author who is picking apart my faulty reasoning, one at a time! lol I keep saying to him, "Yeah, but how can you say that??? How can I just say it wouldn't be catastrophic to get a chronic illness, etc." The roots are deep and I am seeing the fallacies in my thinking for the first time. Tough work but good work.

I need to take a break today and do something nice and fun for myself. I'm very tired from concentrating all weekend and I had my bowels in an uproar again! lol

Bex, yes, I remember when I did the program that I realized how my life (those precious present moments) were slipping by while I was obsessing! You are sooo right. Thanks for the gentle reminder and the encouragement.

Kurstin - Let's you and I get back to living! Hang in sweetie! We're both on the right track!

Thanks so much for taking the time to post me....blessings to all!
hugs,
Psalm91
Tricia