So, I just started dating this guy and things have been going really well. I am trying SOOOOOOOOOO very hard not to over analyze things and not to expect so much from him. Through Lucinda's book, I realize that my high expectations are actually my dreams. I keep expecting for us to be hapily together and I need to just go with the flow and see where it goes. Yes, I know I need to stop having such high expectations..but as much as I tell myself I don't, I still do! How do I master this? I'm worried im going to sabatoge yet another relationship! I push every guy away after we get "comfortable" because I worry they dont like me anymore. HELP!!

I understand, Jules. That and the other posting you made. I have been struggling for monthsnow with that and similar issues (past relationships, general rel. issues) with my current man. He is great, and it has been really hard. We've been getting to the point of wanted to throw our hands in the air and say I give up, but we won't let each other do it.His strength has been amazing. He's unbelievably patient and understanding about it all. All I can say is that if you think this man could be worth it and you don't want to let yourself ruin it, then, try to accept that you are having a hard time. It's ok to struggle. The fact that you are aware and finally really willing to change, hopefully for the better in order to make a better life for yourself, congrats and it's a good sign, hon. It really is. I think probably in terms of both your personal growth and maybe with this guy it's different and inspiring you to change. We could talk for hours probably about this. lol. I know how the kind works. I wish I could offer you great advice, but try to stick it out if you think it could be worth it and remember-to a degree it's just anxiety and your history does NOT have to be your future. Good luck, and if you want to talk let me know. Best wishes from someone who really understands. hang in there

Hey Jules,

How about a married guy's perspective? I am 43 and have been struggling with Anxiety since I was a teen. Funny thing is, professionally I am a Radio talent, voiceover & production artist, and Marketing-Advertising prof. You would think anxiety would not be an issue LOL.
But, what I noticed about my anxiety is that I have always looked to other people, especially my girlfriends and now wife, for approval. When we were dating, if she didn't smile or looked tired...I would blame myself. Or I would pester her to tell me what was bugging her. And most of the time it was nothing. But, I thought it was me or that she did not like my company. Any of that sound familiar? It has taken me 16 years of being with a "non-anxiety" person to realize that I have an issue with anxiety. Most of how we interpret other peoples feelings is because we have a distorted outlook or expectation. Try not to be a sponge and soak in every action or reaction from your partner. Just be you and try each day to lessen the expectations of your partner. Sometimes my wife is so "laid back" and non-committal that it makes me want to scream. I think she's rejecting my ideas or not happy with me. But, it's my "mental trash"...it's anxiety and low self esteem. The bottom line is that you need to work on yourself. Use the relaxation CD, write down your positive attributes each day, do something for yourslef that builds your self confidence and gives you satisfaction. Go to the gym. When you parctice loving yourself each day and get good at it...then you will see your relationship blossom positively. And if he is having a bad day or just feels like not talking much...you won't take it personally or feel rejected.
Just my thoughts and perspective. Hang in there...give yourself credit for trying!

All the best,
Tom S.

Tom,
I do the same thing. I think it's my fault if my husband isn't smiling. I keep asking him if there is anything bothering him. I know I can't be responsible for his feelings, but it is really hard not to feel that way. I tend to blame myself if someone around me isn't happy.
It's good advice to work on your own self-esteem.

Hi jules
I must say that we kind of are similar in that area. My issue is staying interested, because after dating a guy for a while I start to pick him apart... LIke why is his pants so tight..lol
things like that, this is a very distructive behavior, I find reasons not to date him again.My worry is "what if he is not the right guy, and when the right guy comes alone, I can't date him because am in a relationship". That goes back to negative thinking, so I try to change my neg. to positive....u should try that sometime focus on the positive.
god bless.

I'm finding it pretty dificult to work through four. Living in an abusive relationship where all the shoulds are coming from his side. Tends to be cold, insensitive, cruel, and nothing I do is right. I know working this program is going to help me develop the skills I need to work through this anxiety I feel in this but at the same time it can get kinda confusing. Working out what part is my head, what part is fair boundaries and yes I see that life is not fair, but, I think there has to be limitations in this and some realistic expectations of how your treated.