I am just finishing this lesson. It has been a hard one to digest. A couple of thoughts on this.
First, I had a hard time writing the 'shoulds' list. Most of what I was dealing with were things I should have done or should not have done - in the past. That is where I am having the difficulty. Anyone else experience that? Should I include these in my 'should' list?

Secondly, my mom always told me that 'Life is not fair', but, at the same time, having gone to a Catholic grammar and high school, I was always taught to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. Now that I am thinking about this (and probably analyzing it to death), no where does this statement say that they will do unto you as you have done. But, I guess it was just assumed growing up that if you treat others well, they will treat you well. I am learning the hard way that that is usually not the case and I am learning to not expect it. A very difficult lesson to learn at this time in my life.

Debbie,
lesson 4 is hard for most people. What we should of done in the past doesnt really matter, because we cant go back and change the past, nor can we know what the future is. So our shoulds and should nots should be for Today only!!! Your mother is right and also wise. Life isnt always fair, and other may not always do unto you as you have them. But, that becomes thier problem not yours. I always try to do good things for others, regardless because it bless me, and if they are mean or rude, oh well, i did what my heart told me to do. The world isnt always a pretty place, but people who give from the heart with thier kindness and thier caring will always be blessed. TAke care

Hi DebbieZ

Concerning the �shoulds.� My interpretation is...that recognizing a �should� is often just a very speedy vehicle...that allows us to quickly find our way towards identifying an area we struggle with, such as a guilt or a worry or other. Guilt when we negative think about the past...worry when we negative think about the future. So perhaps, if your �shoulds� appear generally to be �Past Shoulds�...then this is identifying an issue with guilt...or are you using the Past Shoulds as a way to beat yourself up (as we often do). If so...keep writing down those shoulds and pay close attention to the Positive self-talk lesson and the lesson on guilt and worry when you come to it...for these are the skills that will help you combat the negatives you are feeling from those shoulds.

For example: I should have gone to college. This is a past should...that would allow one to beat themselves up over something they can�t go back and change. Is it an expectation? I expect myself to make better decisions? Possibly...though it�s really implying I expected my �younger� self to make the better decision...and so I perhaps feel guilty over something I can�t now change...beating my younger self up over something the older self CAN change (feeling those shoulds may seem easier to us than moving forward)...it�s hard...but...what's stopping me from going to college now for example. In other words...it�s important to find and recognize our �Shoulds�...however...eliminating the negativity they represent to us...comes from applying the skills in the program that deal with expectations, guilt, positive self talk and the like. I think...absolutely include them in your 'should' list...for this is what will lead you to an area of answers you will greatly benefit from.

As to the Expectation of �Doing unto others...� Again...I think it�s not so much the expectation...it�s that recognizing the expectation is a vehicle to get us to the negativity we surround the expectation with. �Normal� people expect a certain amount of niceness to be returned...so what do we do differently? What do we do when the expectation is not met?

One thing I�ve discovered I�ve done my whole life...is basing my opinion of me...not on my good deed...but on the lack of return for that good deed. So...I do unto others and they don�t do unto me in return...that happens to �Normal� people...so why is it causing me so much difficulty...could it be my dialogue and negative perspective of self? I tell myself I�m an idiot for being nice, tell myself I�m a sucker, that I �should� have known better, that this is the sort of thing that happens to people like me...not to others...that I have bad luck, poor judgment, no backbone...whatever will make me feel the worst at the time. In these instances...it has nothing to do with the other person's action or lack of...and everything to do with my negative self-dialogue and bad habit of negative under-valuing me.

There is a whole lot more we can do for ourselves...than just accept that we have to expect less...that gets me only so far. Think about when we expect less and then get even less than that...in return...what skills will help us then. For starters...positive self talk...understanding that this is not our failure or weakness...giving ourselves credit for being decent, instead of anger at having been mistreated...lowering our expectations of self...not expecting that we�ll never be taken or used...allowing for the time when we are outsmarted and accepting that we are not perfect...perfectionism!

I think each lesson �Topic� gives us an identifier...a way to point to and spot places where our negative perspective most hurts us...and then it�s a matter of applying as many of the skills that we can think of...to each and every topic in unison. Trying to tell myself that I am not to expect others to be nice to me...just doesn�t� ring true...I do expect a certain amount of this...who doesn�t? So...what I can add to that skill of expecting less...are skills like identifying my �shoulds� and then eliminating the negative ones and producing more healthy and positive �want�s instead...or cutting myself a break when my kindness goes unreturned...using that positive self talk to support my self-esteem, to be kind to me...regardless of the actions or lack of actions by another.

My best to you...you�re doing a good job of recognizing those identifiers...keep it up and find ways to apply the skills from one lesson to each of the following lessons...I think that is one thing that really helped light a few lightbulbs for me.

JOP

Debbie Z:

You've got to ask yourself: Am I going to let that person, that interaction, that circumstance stop me from being who I want to be?! Do I want to be bitter, depressed, self critical, anxious, and hold a grudge? Or do I want to be forgiving, content, self respecting, calm, and able to let go of pain to further my growth, productivity and compassion. Which way do I want to go?

Don't let your "shoulds" dictate which way you will go. Don't let your "shoulds" keep you stuck in the past. Be here and now. Be who you want to be today. Learn from who you were in the past and use it to shape today. "Should've" is a trap to keep you stuck in yesterday so you'll never have a today. Don't buy it. Learn and let go.

Tammy

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Justin O. Pinyon:
...whatever will make me feel the worst at the time.

Thanks, JOP. It just looks so plain in type that this is a bad choice, but how many times we choose it over and over. Habits become so ingrained. My coach told me: If you are feeling bad you are thinking bad, GUARANTEED! It's true. If we feel bad, we have just told ourselves something negative and degrading. Thanks for calling this to our attention. I also like your response:

There is a whole lot more we can do for ourselves...than just accept that we have to expect less...that gets me only so far. Think about when we expect less and then get even less than that...in return...what skills will help us then. For starters...positive self talk...understanding that this is not our failure or weakness... giving ourselves credit for being decent , instead of anger at having been mistreated...lowering our expectations of self...not expecting that we�ll never be taken or used...allowing for the time when we are outsmarted and accepting that we are not perfect...perfectionism!

Good advice.

Just wanted to add something about shoulds. Wednesday night at 10:30 as i was laying in bed almost asleep, the phone rang, my husband answered it and i knew it wasnt just a friend. He brought the phone to me and it was my son in law, he had taken my daughter to the hospital with a severe sudden headache, they live in a small town with a small hospital and had just gotten a new CT machine, they had a tech to do the CT, but they hadnt hired a Radiologist yet to be able to read it. So, they took the scan they gave her a shot, and drove 60 miles to a large town to a hospital. Someone there would meet them to read it. We hung up the phone, and i immeidately forgot all i have been studying and learing in the program. I was "shoulding" myself to death. I should go there to her, I should of known this would happen, I should, I should!!! Well, my husband calmed me down. And my son in law said he would call when they read the CT scan, so we would make a decision then. I didnt sleep all night, actually got up and went to the chat room and was releived there were friends there that understood and helped me. Yesterday, i excepted to hear early what the CT scan said, NO!!!!!! Instead, we waited hours, and an MRI was also taken and we had to wait on that.My mind was reeling, I shouldnt have let her fallen when she was little, I should of been more careful with her as she was growing up. We finally heard at 6:30 last night, that both tests were FINE!!! And she is being released this morning. My point is this,,,DO YOU SEE HOW EASY IT IS TO PUT YOURSELF IN TURMOIL WITH THOUGHTS, WHICH DONT MEAN A HILL OF BEANS. It wasnt anything i did or anyone else did. These things happen and when we have anxiety, we beat ourselves up continually with "SHOULDS"!!! Im so grateful for the chat room yesterday, they hung with me all day long, and reminded me of the tools and skills i have been learning with this program,and they stayed calm and therefore, i became calm. We are creatures of some BAD habits, and thoughts, and i showed myself, im still growing and will continue to grow, and next time something like this happens, i know i will be able to handle it better. There was nothing wrong with me being scared, that was normal, but because of my anxiety, i took it a step further, and didnt USE what i KNEW would help, but I WILL NEXT TIME!! Thanks for listening, I love this program and all the people in it

Thanks Bakedpears!

Until this program...I had no idea it was a choice...to me...it was just the way things really are. I take a lot of comfort in knowing today, that I am able to now �hear� the choice being made...it�s a big step in a positive direction. It�s like...haven�t we all said at one time or another,�Boy...if you could just hear how mean and ugly you just were to that person...?� Well...when on my game, I can now literally �hear� how mean and ugly I can be to myself and I think partly...this is what�s spurred me into the action of standing up for myself...Like I�m saying,�Hey, shut up...that�s not very nice...leave him alone!� At times, I can actually picture a scene where I�m standing up against someone who�s bullying my younger brother...and I�m stepping in. I need to take one more step, where I realize that I�m the one being bullied...though for now...I think this middle step is what�s getting me there.

I�ve been meaning to find a way to thank you for the encouragement you gave me in a prior post some time ago...concerning a rather nasty panic attack I�d had. I never got around to putting it in the triumph folder,though you were correct...it was one monster slug fest...and one in which my new skills prevailed...tired for sure...but the ones standing at the end. So thanks...and glad to have had this opportunity to finally pass that along. I�m willing to bet this �should� discussion has relevance to the book process as well and I hope you are having much success in keeping the process of that experience in positive perspective for you...and making sure you don�t lose much sleep over it ...I made a funny.

Good to talk with you

Nervous Nelly

We sound as though we are in similar places. I think you just presented a really good example of positive self-talk, giving yourself compassion, recognizing the �should�s� and avoiding the trap Tammy was talking about...and I have no doubt you�ll handle the next situation better. It�s a wonderful bonus to hear positive results for your daughter as well.

I just had a call from the doctor�s office today...they left a message telling me they had test results to share...as I had just stepped out and missed the call. I took a few moments, did my breathing, told myself I would under-react to whatever the results were and that I could handle them. I had a bonus as well...as both of the tests came back normal! The test results and implications of them were not under my control...just as the results of your daughter�s scan were not under yours...however...what we do for ourselves while waiting to hear the results is under our control...and though you found help to calm yourself...in the end...it was you who did the calming and I think you did a wonderful job this time...let alone what you�ll take into the next time.

I enjoyed reading your triumph!
JOP

Debbie Z

I think underlying Tammy�s remarks, Nelly�s and mine...is a strong common theme...that being...yes those statements belong in your �should� list...and whatever else you do...don�t use those past �shoulds� to beat yourself up. Recognize the negative effect they do have on your mood absolutely...And then choose to replace them with something positive...whether that�s positive replacement statements, forgiveness, or a positive action plan that will allow you to make a change now. Not all at once...start small...one small step at a time. This is challenging in its own right...though when I look at my progress honestly...I see clearly that I�ve gone far further...taking those small steps...than in all the times I stand still due to the uncertainty of taking one big leap.

Best wishes
JOP

Justin,
Hoooray!! for you , congratulations on your test results and your handling of them. You did an awesome job. We will kick those "shoulds" butts eventually all together. Take care

Thanks Nervous Nelly...I believe we will also

Hello everyone
I'm still trying to attempt lesson 4 and I have to admit that I would like to stay on lesson 3 and stop, because this should bussiness is too complicated, I even had a hard time understanding these treads on this forum. I think I should skip lesson 4 ELisa

Hello,

I finally finished lesson four and looking forward to lesson five. I was just wondering how Debbie who started this forum is doing? I related with you on how lesson four was a hard lesson to digest, but I did make it through, and I'm glad Take care!

Hey Elisa,

I was trying to respond to your other post on why expectations are important...and was just not finding the time or the words I wanted. So, I saw your follow-up here and had the time and thought it might still be worthwhile to respond...late as it is. . And congratulations...for sticking with it and completing lesson 4...don’t ‘expect’ it to all sink in at once...the more I think about all this stuff long after completing the program...the more insight I gain...which leads me to something not long ago I learned about expectations.

Probably about a year after going thru the program, it dawned on me that we expect hundreds of various things each and every day. It’s much larger than the personal and person-to-person issues of...what we expect of ourselves, what they expect of us, what we expect from our job, life or all the ‘big’ expectations. In fact, I think each time we make the comment that something has ‘gone wrong,’ you can bet it’s tied to an expectation...the everyday expectations that slide under our radar. When we wake up to start the day, we flip the switch by the bathroom door and 'expect' lights to come on, we expect the hair-dryer to work, expect the car to start every time, expect it to take ‘X’ amount of time to get to work, expect the company to be open, expect our paycheck to be delivered on time and on and on and on. I believe these everyday expectations are a huge piece of the expectation puzzle.

For example, I decided to leave the house and travel to Canada with my wife...one of many challenges not remotely in the cards for me before this program. So...she books a rental car 3 weeks in advance and when we arrive to get the car the morning of the trip...the rental dealer was closed!! A full two hours before their posted closing time?? It seems (according to some girl working the business next door) the guy decided to take his son to an amusement park...and was "tired of waiting for us"?? Huh??? As this was a business trip for my wife and we had a schedule to meet and company rental rules to follow...she lost it with “what are we going to do” and my anxiety quickly began ramping...oh how I wanted to run back home...screw this trip...I didn’t plan on handling this! It was hours later after we’d found another dealer and car, that I realized...I had a lot of expectations the night before and the day of this trip. I expected to deal with a certain agency, to leave our car in a trusted area we were familiar with, to drive a rental “car” that was clean and ready to go...not the jeep we ended up with, I expected to leave at ‘X’ time, to eat lunch at ‘X’ time, to reach Canada at ‘X’ time...and so on. The very moment those ‘under the radar’ expectations started coming into question...my turmoil began...my control was gone...my neat little plan of what I thought I needed in order to successfully make the trip from home, it was all gone...the expectation of certainty was gone...or...and here is my point...was any of it there to begin with?


Had I set my expectations too high, when I didn’t even realize I had expectations in the first place? Looking back, I’d say yes. Now...many say, “Who wouldn’t have those expectations...what...am I supposed to expect nothing?” My response...it’s perfectly reasonable to have expectations...but it makes a world of difference when we realize what those expectations truly are, how much certainty we attach to them, and how important or unimportant the expectation is to our well-being. When we plan for the future...you can bet we are beginning to stack those expectations up...and since we have little control over so many things in life...is it reasonable to expect most things to ‘go right’? Is it any wonder we perceive that so many things in life ‘go wrong’ if we equate expectation to certainty? If we can change our view of these everyday expectations (First by recognizing how many little ones we have and just how many are astonishingly met)...my thinking is...we can slowly learn to be more accepting of the uncertainties in life...we will expect less certainty, and therefore be disappointed less, surprised or upset less, thrown for a loop less. Instead of having the negative view that everything always ‘goes wrong’, we can learn to feel more comfortable with life just happening the way it happens...and acknowledge the positive outcomes. It didn’t go wrong in other words, just not the way we "expected". I’m beginning to learn that expectations do not equal certainty. So...when thinking about expectations...try and consider all of them, not just those based on roles or relationships...and you’ll be a year ahead of my learning curve.

I also saw in your post, what seemed like more emphasis on other’s expectations of you, rather than what you expect of you. It’s natural to think about all the expectations we believe others have of us...and to start there in order to consider how we can make changes. But when it comes down to it...other’s expectations aren’t even remotely as important or as powerful or controlling as the expectations we hold ourselves to. Others don’t have the power to control how we feel and as we become more confident, understanding and comfortable with what we expect of us...this begins to open up a whole new perspective with more positive options. Many of us have that ‘pleaser’ personality...and we try very hard to meet what we perceive to be other’s expectations. Some do this because we get something out of it...called secondary gains (a topic discussed later in the program). For example, one by-product of sustained anxiety seems to be a low self-esteem...we don’t like ourselves very much. So we seek outside approval as a means to combat the negative things we are seeing in ourselves and telling ourselves.

It is at the least, frustrating trying to live up to other’s expectations...but we feel kind of trapped...as they provide something we want and so we do it grudgingly. If we tell them to shove off...that’s just one less person we can rely on to provide us with approval...and what do we think that says about us when we push that away? Yikes...I got sidetracked a bit. My feeling is...as we begin to fulfill our own needs more, figure out and then go about living up to our own expectations, our need to look outside for approval will diminish and the pull we feel towards living up to other’s expectations will diminish. Lesson Seven on Assertiveness comes into play here as well...among other things, it’s a skill that gives us a healthy way to go about establishing our own expectations, a way to change the patterns that we and our family and friends have grown accustomed to. Say a sibling expects us to be their go-to baby-sitter...since we seem to have time on our hands and are home all day long. In the past, we happily say oh yes and then later maybe feel anger at being consistently ‘walked over.’ Now...if we recognize that we have an ‘expectation’...say...that we expect a 24 hour notice and expect to be asked and not guilted...and we begin to phase in our assertiveness skills...we will find comfort in declining their expectation...comfort in meeting our own...and it will be our expectation that has more power to control our action.

And finally...whew! Is our first reaction to how we feel about an expectation to be trusted? It sure wasn’t/isn’t for me in many cases and it’s valuable to ponder what our true reactions and self-talk are...in comparison to what we on the surface say in response to the questions we put to ourselves. If you would have asked me before the program...if I expected myself to be perfect...I would have immediately said no way! After going thru the program...I realize this isn’t true...deep down...I really do expect perfection of myself in so many ways and in so many things. Do I expect myself to always have control...I would have said no...but I tried desperately to make this reality. Do I expect to never be wrong...expect to be liked by all...expect to never hurt another’s feelings...expect to be successful when I put my mind to something...expect to be the best at what I do? To begin with, I'd never seen these as expectations. But regardless, these are all questions I would have answered honestly in the past...and deep down in my thinking...I would have been wrong in my answer. I did expect all this of myself and still do when I’m not using my new skills. How about...do I expect to look like I’m 20 for the rest of my life? Well, I’d say no to that also...but when I look in the mirror and have nothing positive to say...what else am I comparing myself to than that former 20 year-old self? We have so many expectations that can be reasonably lowered...and one of those is expecting to always live up to other’s expectations. When we lower that standard...we also manage to lower feelings of guilt, frustration and disappointment. Can you imagine a life with less of that? Having less of those things, is where the end part of the ‘expect less and get more’ statement comes into play.

So...that’s some of my thinking on expectations and hope there's something in the above that clicks with you. When we come across ideas or explanations that make sense to us...it’s such a great feeling and then becomes a matter of patience, to allow practicing what makes sense to become habit...and for me...this has been one definite challenge. I say this because I don’t want to sound like I have all the answers...I worry often that I sound like that. At any rate...given the choice...I’d take ‘having all the results’ over the ‘having all the answers’ any day of the week...I guess who wouldn’t!

My Best and enjoy Lesson 5
JOP

Hello Jop

I was so glad to hear from you, and I can relate with a lot what you have said, esspecially the age thing you wrote about looking in the mirror and wishing you see that 20 year old there, but someone else has taken that persons place. I need to get over that because, that reflection will change more and more! and I know it's not easy j, but it's reality. Take care, Elisa