I just listened to lesson 4. I am TOTALLY opposite of what the people on the tape were saying. The last thing I care about is how my house looks, whether the Christmas tree is perfect (or UP!), or thinking a vacation is going to be perfect.

I expect that things will stink, I expect the vacation will be riddled with problems and my own anxieties and before I even start out, the vacation is doomed. If it is a perfect vacation as in weather etc. it still is no fun because I am anxious all the time and can't go to the places where everyone else goes to.

The house, if it is a reflection of the inner me, is a mess like I am I guess.

I seem to have a "I don't care about anything" attitude very unlike everyone else who had all these expectations and were disappointed. I am disappointed BEFORE the event or whatever even takes place. NEVER have I been excited about going somewhere without all the negativity ruining it (What if....), never have I said "OH this will be FUN!!!' I am too busy saying "Well I probably will just panic anyway and plus, I don't like going so far in case the kids need me and not only that, the music is too loud and it hurts my eras." By the time we leave, I am in a rotten mood and don't want to go at all.

Family functions? I can rattle off a lits a mile long of why they are going to be terrible. Dad will be in a bad mood. My sister will bother me. My other sister will start ranting about her house getting messy. The kids will be so noisy running all over. ETC.

Needless to say, I go into everything with a dark attitude and even if everything IS ok, I don't have fun anyway.

So, am I crazy? Does this mean I don't fit into the group, all of whom had all these perfectionist ideas?

I expect nothing less than imprefection from everyone. My kids are wonderful but I would never expect them to be anything but kids who make mistakes and do things that maybe aren't "perfect." I guess because I think of myself as so flawed, I don't expect any more of anyone else than I do of myself.

And I don't get any more either!

I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do or is everyone who is on the program someone who can totally relate to tape 4. If I lower my expectations any more, I won't have ANY!!!

Patty


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Life is only therapy: Real expensive and no guarantees.

Patty,
I find there are some things I relate to and things I don't. I was never that obsessive over perfection either. Mostly if someone was coming over I would want the house to be clean, but that was because I was worried about what they thought of me, not the house.

You sound like you could really work on positive thinking. For example if you are going to someone's birthday party. Instead of starting it with "well, I'll probably feel icky anyways, and there will be too much noise, and people will irritate me, so I'll have a crummy time." Try saying, "I want to go to get out of the house. I will just sit back and relax. I don't have to listen to everything. I don't have to do anything at all. I will look at things that are interesting in the house. Maybe I could even offer to help with the serving if I get bored. I will talk calmly to myself and others. If I feel weird because of my anxiety I can still sit and watch the kids have fun. So, even if its not a blast I can still enjoy myself."

You don't have to relate to everything. No one has every symptom or every thought the same as someone else. You can learn a lot from these tapes. Glean from them what you need at this time. Later on go back and do the program again and you will glean something different. Enjoy the learning. Reena

I think many people are the same way as you..but I found I still have expectations or put too much pressure on myself. My house isn't, nor ever will be, as spotless as my mother's house is, but I would still think about it. Like if she came over and there was a stray piece of cereal in the corner of the kitchen..I immediately spot it when she walks in..then I would think,"Oh no, she thinks me house isn't up to par and now there is something on the floor or dust on the tv, etc!!"

I think we come in many diffrent styles. Some need everything to look and be perfect, some can't quite accomplish that, but beat themselves up for it and some feel comfortable in chaos and clutter.

You have a great deal of negativity and resentment. I went through that myself and I think it is linked to the depression that often accompanies anxiety. On a holiday,we are expectd to show up at the family gathering. I would say..."YIkes, my sis will throw her opinions all over the place, my parents will fret over eveything the kids touch, my brothers will entertain themselves making fun of others and laughing hysterically about it and on and on"

I thnk this is more common thinking than you realize and probably very normal for our condition. Sometimes not caring is a defense we put up for our own protection. It is like building a wall around yourself where nothing bad can really affect you, but you simply refuse to feel any emotion or expectation about it in any positive way.

With expectations, I had to look pretty deep to realize that resentment building is a form of high expectations..it is just a detour. I have negative feelings about how it will turn out, which leads to seeing all the bad aspects of personailites, events and living in general. How to do you get this way?? I think mainly you get this way from old expectations that didn't pan out. It wasn't fun, the family dynamics were screwy, maybe their insensitivities hurt you in the past and you learned to adapt in a self-protecting way with low expectations.

I'm not sure if this applies to you, but I think everyone can relate to someone not saying or doing what you hoped, things not turning out as you would have liked at some point, and all general disappointments in people and situations.

I think my former chaos and clutter were actually forms of rebellion. The "Everything had to look perfect" theory my parents presented growing up was completely flawed in my eyes. We had to look perfect and the house had to be spotless, nothing we ever did was quite good enough...and yet I could see that what my parents were striving for was in vain because looking happy and perfect and actually "being" that way are two very different things. They had the spotless house and the well-groomed kids, but they also were very negative and miserable people too.

No, I look at them with less resentment and more compassion. I have the chance at 34 to learn things that they still haven't about all the program teaches to enrich your life. I don't have to line up my kids and check them for perfection, I don't have to do the white glove test to make sure a speck of dust doesn't exist in my house and I don't have to censor their words and thoughts to conform to what I think they "should" be.

I guess my point to this novel is, when you really "get" this lesson..you learn that you don't have to be a perfectionist and you don't have to be a rebel to it either. I am sure that deep down somewhere, maybe a place you can't even see yet, that you would be more content in a happy medium. I hope that makes sense to you, but if not..you may find it does at a later point.

Wow, you two are both so right! I am a depressed person (it took me a LONG time to believe that and only now can I say that) and I do look at everything negatively.

I guess I am a sort of rebel because not caring about anything and not wanting or expecting anything leads to not getting hurt again.

I am sure at some point in my life, I had high hopes for things. Then, little by little, all my hopes and dreams were dashed and ruined by one thing or another and now, I don't want to even speculate that things could be fun. To do that would be to let myself in for great disappointment. So I compound the event and make it terrible so when it IS terrible I can say "Told ya!"

I grew up in a house that was really big and, with 4 kids and a mother who worked as a waitress odd shifts and an alcoholic father, was never spotless or anything. It was comfortable and homey and we never really went crazy trying to keep it clean. My mother always said people are more important than things and we had company over constantly. If the house wasn't prefect, they sure didn't care. They liked my mother and her sweet personality and her generosity etc.

My mom (she died 5 years ago sadly) never judged me or anything I did or my home or anything. Now, the house is just too much for me to keep up with. My two sons are not good at all at helping out and my husband is just too busy doing EVERYTHING for me and us to really keep up the place. So I am overwhelmed. I do want a nice clean home and a pretty outside and yet, I can't or don't know where to start. So I don't start anywhere. It isn't horrible but it is to the point where I answer the door and let people stand outside rather than let them in (so I must care what they think somewhere along the line).

ANYWAY, Reena, thank you for the advice on the positive self talk. Maybe I will try it. Funny, I say similar things to my kids when they don't want to go to a family event. "Oh come on, It's only for a few hours and there will be nice food, and you can see people you haven't seen in a long time. It won't be a bad time, you'll see!" I say to them. Then n my head I think "Yeah right, it will be a HORRIBLE time!"

LOL. I guess I need to work on my attitude. It seems the walls I have up need to come down but I am so afraid of what is behind the walls when they do crumble. A vulnerable person always getting hurt again?

Scary but I guess I have to try it...

Thanks again!

Patty



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Life is only therapy: Real expensive and no guarantees.