Is it possible to have such high expectations that I lose my motivation all together? I mean, if I can't get it done all at once or the way I'd want to do it, I seem to avoid it all together. ie - cleaning out closets, shucking corn, etc. I'd rather not do it at all, than do it in stages. Of course this brings more anxiety/depression/feelings of worthlessness since things don't get done.

Am I making any sense? I'm really hoping so.....rough day today....

Yes, it is very possible to have such high expectations that it destroys all motivation. I have a similar problem. Breaking it down into steps, they say, is what works. I need to give this a try as well. I have applied it to some things, but to others, well, those others are still waiting and they still give me stress (depression and feeling of worthlessness) because I am doing nothing about them.

This is just another form of perfectionism. We believe we have to do it all or not do it at all. We believe it has to be done perfectly and when we realize that the job is too big to do it perfectly because of time, skill, etc. then we just dont do it. When we know it is perfectionism we can take steps to overcome it. We can allow ourselves to break the job down into smaller parts. We can allow ourselves to do what our abilities allow and not try for the blue ribbon. Its ok to just do it and not make it perfect. I try to remember that getting it done makes me feel like I've accomplished something and that is what is important. Not the 'perfect' way I did it.

Reena

ps. It takes practice. We dont change overnight. But we are worth it.

Also, are you familiar with Flylady? She talks about this quite often. Flylady.net

quote:

Originally posted by Reena:
[qb]Also, are you familiar with Flylady? She talks about this quite often. Flylady.net[/qb]

Thank you guys for the posts. It's always nice to know I'm not alone.

Yep, heard of flylady, even have a control journal and clingy. If you can believe this, I even put flylady off because of this attitude. I get it in my head that I have to do all the items right now, or not at all. I have 4 children, the youngest being 9 months so I don't always even get 15 minutes to complete something. But since I can't go from morning rountine, house blessing, to blessing my heart, to rebooting my laundry, etc without interruptions, I get frustrated and lose sight of "I can do anything for 15 minutes".

I didn't realize this is a part of being a perfectionist. I thought since my house can't seem to stay clean, and I can't seem to stick to a routine, that I was NOT a perfectionist. Lately I've been telling hubby that I have the tools to keep the house clean, workout, lose weight - If I could just STICK to it. Definitely something to work on.....

Yes, I can relate. I had to do it all in one day or not at all! A project like cleaning a closet was overwhelming. I had to practically set aside a whole week to do and do it perfectly. Even tho the darn thing would get messed up in a day or two. I'm smarter about it now. I do a little if I have time to, but I still like getting it all done at once. I usually set a time limit for myself now like an hour or two.

I just had to bump this post back up. I could have been the one writing it.

I was listening to my cd yesterday and this morning and wondered if anyone had this same problem since it wasn't talked about on the cd. (if it was, I missed it)

Almost every area of my life is a mess because of this kind of thinking/behavior.

I tried FlyLady twice and quit because I couldn't "do it all". And even FlyLady says that even when it's done incorrectly, it still blesses your family, but no, I had to be a perfectionist

This is a big lesson for me.

i haven't heard of flylady...what is it?

i have this problem sooo bad it is basically ruining my entire life. seriously. i think of going back to school - then i think about how that is not good enough. i should do a dual degree - JD/MBA - because just a JD isn't good enough. then i think about all the work and time that will take, and i feel overwhelmed. i'm almost done w/the JD. it wouldn't be hard to finish. but for some reason in my mind it's not enough.

then i think about redoing my condo. i could paint. but if i'm going to paint, wouldn't it make sense to clean out the closets - and super organize them? and what about the storage locker? that could be organized, too. and my bedroom closet. and i never organized the CDs. and i need to clean the outside of the windows. and i need to have the carpet cleaned in the bedrooms. and when i think of all of that, i just sit on my butt and do nothing at all.

i can't seem to do something w/out doing it ALL. and if i do try to stop at less than perfect, i feel really frustrated, like i failed. so i set up this thing where i can choose between perfection or failure. hmm, do i want to kill myself trying to get this thing perfect? or do i want to do it halfway and fail? or do i want to not do it at all?


what is wrong w/me? why do i even feel like things have to be perfect? where did this idea come from?

I can completely identify with this. If I can't do it perfect, then why even do it used to be my motto. Then I would get really resentful of everyone else for not helping me! A very vicious cycle. Now, I do what I can do, and take responsibility for what I know I am going to have to do. I am working on the "if I want soemthing done right I have to it myself" mentality, but I am getting there. I am trying to refocus myself on things being about the experience and not the end result, which is DAMN hard for me.

Yes. This is definitely me too. It seems like most of us in this discussion are highly accomplished, highly educated, skilled, compassionate, athletic, social with friends and family etc., etc.

Our problem is not doing things, it is doing things too big, so no matter what, we feel like failures because we just expect so much, or we don't finish because we cave under our own self induced pressures.

At one point, I was an incredible runner. I was a top runner on a college varsity team. I went to a college in a mountainous area. Because of all the hill training, I became much faster and stronger than I ever thought possible. I smashed every single personal record several times over. Since I was always exceeding my expectations, I always felt very positive and was motivated to try harder in races and practice. EVen on days I was tired, I did what I could and didn't push myself. I continued to try within my physical limits. I listened to my body and didn't overdo it. What a great memory.

Unfortunately, I have brought that with me in life and now I always expect to exceed my own expectations. What a delusion.

I have to remember how I started running....
When you try to sprint up a hill, you get tired fast, get cramps, have to stop and walk, feel nausous

However, what I did, was I would take little steps, not strides, little baby steps, and slow down to a steady jog. With little steps, you don't get sick or tired or crampy, you get to the top a little tired, a litttle winded, and you feel a nice ache in your muscles from the effort. At the top, you continue to jog until you get your wind back, your breathing under control, and your muscles flush out a little of the lactic acid.

I realize now what a great metaphor running up a hill is for anxiety recoverers. When we have something big to do, slow down, take small steps to accomplish it, keep going even when you are tired, don't stop- just slow the jog even more if you have to, when you crest the top - stay slow until you recover a little, don't take off onto the next challenge, let yourself rest and recover and feel good about the victory for a few moments until you start focusing on the next.

Congrats on almost finishing your JD. Take little steps to determine if you want the MBA. Enjoy the fact that you made it this far.

I think we have to really take time to celebrate our victories, BEFORE we let our minds race to the next challenge. Savor the feeling of accomplishment. It will motivate us to continue to slowly and steadily and strategically plan out our next goal.

You are all wonderful people. People are amazed at our abilities. Take one of your ideas, just one little manageable idea, and accomplish it. I've been giving myself little tasks to do like bake a pie for a get together (just one pie, no gifts, and show up). I wrote cards for mothers day (just cards, no flowers or gifts). I went to see my sister and her new born and made dinner (again, no gifts, no obsessing, I brought the ingredients to make a simple pasta dish and did the dishes - no expensive presents, my presence and my thoughtful meal were more than enough). My friend is going through therapy and recovering from her severe issues - I called her (just a call, no card, no grand gestures, just a phonecall to let her talk about herself and laugh and reconnect over a distance).


Start small, take little steps. Once you begin to see how big the little things are, you will feel less of a need to do so much.

This is hard to do. I really want to leave my high paying technical management career in order to become a clinical psychologist. So what did I do. Last sememster I took 2 community college classes. Now I'm taking two more classes at a regular college. I will take 2 additional ones at the end of the summer. I will take the GREs in the fall. What if I don't get in to a grad program? I will feel like a devastated failure? No, I love learning. I had the courage to try something out. Although it seems like the perfect field for me, maybe it isn't. I believe it is with all my heart so I am going all out for it, but if I don't get in....I will have to recognize it is a temporary setback. I'm going to keep on assuming that I am meant to be a clinical psychologist. I am going to continue believing in it. If I don't get accepted, I am a smart person, I will figure something out. I may feel bad, but I've made a living out of solving technical problems. I can figure out a way to manage my temporary setbacks.

"We can do no great things, only little things with great love" - Mother Teresa


PS It feels really good to go for something that has no sense in it other than it is a dream and ambition from my heart. I am being true to myself. I do have my panicky days when I am full of doubt, but they are becoming fewer and further between. Someday,I will be able to make it through the day without thinking about whether or not I get accepted. I see that that is realistic now.

I also have this problem. I am having a really hard time with this lesson to begin with, and I knew this was a problem but couldn't quite put my finger on it to describe it right. But I have had a hard time just doing evryday chores. I was working 2 jobs, one at an after school program during the week, and the other at a resturant on the weekends, plus I have 2 children to tend to. Well my hosue work got behind and I kept telling myself once school is out, I will be down to one job and I will be able to get caught up. Here we are weeks later and I am still behind, and frustrated, because now kids are home all day and I feel like I go in circles. My weekends are busy working, and i feel like all i do during the week is clean, and nothing ever looks clean, the dishes are always in the sink, clothes are always dirty, the vacuum constantly needs ran, and I feel so overwhelmed that I just go to sleep, and wake up to feed kids or go to work.