Lately I've been wondering how do you know if someone is a 'safe person' or not? We all depend on each other to some degree. Isn't your spouse or significant other a safe person?

I think I've swung too far in the direction of distance. I don't let people get too close, because I don't want to get burned.

Deb

Deb, I can really relate to you when it comes to getting close to other people. I think that's why I'm on here so much lately, because I'm able to let out my thoughts without someone giving me a look. I hope this dosen't last forever for us, because there is a lot of people out there who makes good friends. Take care, Elisa

Thanks for the response Elisa,

I think this is about boundaries. I also wonder about giving to others. I read all sorts of inspirational quotes that say expect less, give more, sit back and see the great results. I feel like I give a lot, I am compassionate, I try to help out whenever I can. Thing is I feel drained. I don't really want to help anymore. At least not like I have been.

It seems like truly giving doesn't always make the reciever or the giver happy immediately. The feel good thing is not always the long lasting solution. The American way, I think, is to get immediate gratification. Its coming back to bite us.

Where in giving does the giver recieve? It seems like giving falls on deaf ears sometimes. Sometimes you give, and the reciever wants more and more, and can never get enough. Is this just me? I feel like its an epidemic. It seems like the skills just aren't out there, and if you're a 'giver', the people with needs that are from within are drawn to you. Their needs are so great, and their coping skills so weak, that they completely focus on themselves, and give little back.

Please tell me there's a reward here I'm missing. I feel like withdrawing all friendliness with certain people I meet at work, and my own family. It leaves me feeling cold, and numb. Or give me ideas on how to stop this drain without becoming a hermit.

If you want to relate it to my original post, how do I stop being a safe person?

Thanks,

Deb

{{{Deb}}}

I'm also a big giver, but I've slowed down a lot lately, because I decided to give a little to myself. I've had depended on others all my life to try to find myself and I thought if I help others they will help me. Well that doesn't always happen, so I thought, "who have I depend on the most in my life" and only me came to mind, and my faith side I know that God's has been there for me, so then I decided what can I do that's best for me? I got this program, I started doing things I love doing, for example riding my bike, I don't usally do this, because I live of a state highway, but that doesn't bother me now, because I love to ride my bike. I want to be that safe person, and then I'm going to let other people in as soon as I feel good about myself. I hope this helped you a little, but this is what I've been doing to get better. Take Care! Elisa

I think the best way to stop being a "safe person" is to learn to say "no". I think this is really difficult for people who give and give and give. For me, I sometimes say "yes" when I really want to say "no". Then I'm not truly giving because my heart is resentful. I sometimes give out of a sense of duty or because I am looking for approval and again feel resentful when I don't get the reward I wanted. I don't know your religious background, but I am reading "Approval Addiction" by Joyce Meyer and it is helping me to use my faith to balance when I am doing something joyfully and when I am seeking other's approval. She reminds me that Christ is my reward and I have His approval. I'm learning to be assertive. I'm learning to ask for what I need. I'm learning to think about my expectations when I do something for someone.

I don't think there is a need to withdraw, but maybe a need for balance? To allow yourself to receive? It does sound like maybe you've swung toward the other direction, but I understand that is normal as you first progress through the program. I do understand because I'm still working on many of the same issues and I'm definitely learning a lot about family and friend dynamics!

RE: safe people. I think there is a difference between feeling safe with someone because you have a mutually trusting relationship and using that person or animal or object as your refuge. My thoughts are that a safe person for an anxious person is someone you run to and expect to be able to "fix" whatever you're dealing with or who has to be present so you don't get anxious. For example, there was a little smoke in the house the other day and I was freaked out because my husband wasn't home to find out what was wrong. Well guess what, I had to rely on myself and I found the source and took care of the problem. I was my own safe person.

I don't know if any of this makes sense or will be helpful. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

I agree with rica, Deb. My guess is that emotional incest has occurred in your family and you are the abused. But, growing up in this type of relationship it probably feels "normal" when it really isn't. Parents can do this to their kids and I have been guilty of this to a degree with my son. "Needy" people are probably the ones who do this primarily, people who haven't learned how to take care of themselves and run their own lives. These kind of folks, self included, have dependency issues. We can be like sponges that always are seeking for love and approval from others. Love tanks never got filled, and we can be like black holes that pull in and soak up love from every direction and seldom give any back. This is naturally draining to everyone around us. I think the solution is to say no to these folks much of the time. Why should a person like this change if he/she continues to receive? Shutting down the giving is the only way to force these folks to deal with their own dependency issues. We are all interdependent to a degree, but some of us are much more dependent on others than we should be. It also may not "feel" natural to you to say no because you've been saying yes all your life, just like going from changing from thinking negatively to thinking positively. It doesn't "feel" natural at first. It will take time to adjust. I may be off on this concerning you, but that's my gut feeling.

You make yourself your own safe person first. YOu have your own personal boundaries for yourself and others. And when someone crosses that boundary, you let them know. If they respect your boundaries, they could be a safe person to be around, if they dont, drop them like a hot potato. Nelly

Your OP reminds me of the book "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsend. It's a Christian book and talks about safe people.

Eek,
Thank you, that book helped me more than any other. I was a very misled trusting overly naive person who didnt have any boundaries at all. so my pastor gave me the book. It is awesome and has helped change my life. Take care Nelly

If any of you are interested we are going to have a chat on Sundays 8pm Eastern in the 2nd chat forum (the Help one). We're just going to talk about socializing and social anxiety and that sort of thing.

I can relate to what you're talking about. i have the same problem. I like to tell myself it's because I'm shy but I know what the real reason is. I've been burned before from other people because i have this problem. I know that everyone is different and some people will support you when you need help and others will back off or feel uncomfortable. But I've had to learn this lesson the hard way and it hurt. But there are a lot of great people out there. And anxiety does not mean that you are crazy.

Anxiety is just that -- anxiety. And it does not make us unworthy of having great friendships in our lives. You owe it to yourself to try to get over this obstacle so you can have a great set of supportive friends in your life.

Take care.
lilianne