Hi everyone,

I started the fourth lesson in the last few days. At first it made me ver annoyed, hearing over and over again that things don't work out most of the time etc. It seems too negative and as though we are being told that is someone mistreats you, betrays you ...just put up with it..accept it. This doesn't sit well with me because i am doing this program so as to have greater self esteem. I have listened to the lesson about four times now, and not reacting to it quite as much with repeated listening, but i still don't like the message. What do you do when you have realistic expectations ie family members should be trustworthy and not demaean you with words and actions ??

One additional comment about the examples given in this lesson is that they are quite extreme and dramtic, eg cleaning your house with a tooth brush. Many of us suffering wih this , have less dramatic eg of expectations of self and behaviours and it would be nice to hear these on the CD's...so one can relate better.

Thank you,

Maya2007

quote:

What do you do when you have realistic expectations ie family members should be trustworthy and not demaean you with words and actions ??

We all have choices we can make. Your family members can choose to treat you unjustly, as it sounds they are doing, and it is your choice as to how to respond to this treatment. You can "should" on them all you want, but will that change their behavior? Perhaps assertive behavior would be appropriate here, calmly stating how such treatment is unfair to you and how you feel about it. But, if that doesn't change their behavior what can you do about it? You can't control them. At that point it is their choice as to how to respond. If they don't respond as you would like you still have choices: (1) get mad, angry, have a cow and shout at them, perhaps get into a physical fight, (2) grieve over the loss of the respect and regard you held for them before the unfair treatment, grieve over the loss of not having them to trust anymore, stand up for your own values and thoughts and let the unfair behavior go, forgive it [not agree with it], and then decide whether you choose to have anything to do with these folks anymore and if so, exactly what. (3) Another possible response not mentioned in 1 or 2.

Welcome to the real world, imperfect, flawed, and sometimes down right ugly. How do you choose to respond?

I think the tape is simply being realistic and seeking to help us all deal with the ugliness of this world. We can handle the good times fine. Learning to underreact to unfair situations, learning to allow others be who they are, not who we want them to be, and learning to lower our expectations of everyone and everything is healthy.

I had a realistic expectation that my sister in law would treat me as an equal, but that did not happen. Before going through the program the injustice and ugly behavior would be ruminated over in my mind again and again, how she disrespected me, how she "should" have behaved, how unfair it was. The truth is it didn't matter to anyone but myself. There are things in this life I have no control over and my sil's life and her behavior is one of them. Why should I try and control something which I can not? It is the definition of insanity! I realized I had some choices to make. I could continue to remain angry, bitter, and upset myself over this again and again [this bothered me so much I made an attempt to end my life], or I could let it go, forgive her for the injustice, and concentrate on the present. I did confront her about what was bothering me, but she basically denied everything I was saying. If I wanted to be emotionally healhty and have this not upset me anymore I realized I needed to let it go at that point, which I did. I now have no expectations of my sil or brother to treat me fairly because after what happened it simply doesn't seem realistic.

If something doesn't work out as you would like you may have some right to be assertive and speak your mind, but if that doesn't change anything and you have no control over the situation, the only sane thing to do at that point is to let it go which means you have no expectations any longer. Does that make sense? Refusing to deal with ugly reality and holding on to the anger and bitterness is self destructive and can eat you alive.

The serenity prayer [prayer of sanity]: God grant me the serenity [sanity] to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

It sounds like you may need to be assertive and let your relatives know what you think about their behavior. But, if they choose to not respond in a manner you like, at that point you have no control and it would be wise to learn to accept [doesn't mean you agree with it or like it] what you cannot change. In so doing, you are learning to let go of expectations and learning how to undereact and successfully deal with ugly real life situations.

It is not what others say to us which causes us pain, but how we perceive what has been said. It is our expectations which cause us the pain. You are demanding your relatives to treat you fairly, and I agree, they should. But, we can never demand something which is not within our own control. All we can do is make a request. If the request is denied, then we have to let go of the expectation because at that point it will cause no one pain but ourselves. At that point the anger and unforgiveness becomes self destructive.

"Reasonable expectations" between two parties must be agreed upon, not stipulated or commanded by one party. It takes two to tango. Therefore, if one party [A] does not see the expectations as reasonable, then it becomes unreasonable for the other party [B] to think that they are reasonable as they apply to the other party [A]. This is practical, where the rubber hits the road, common sense which I did not have before going through the program and which I still struggle to apply at times.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Don57,

Hi Don57,

Thank you for sharing your insights. I am getting better about family members, mainly because i realize that i can walk away from unhealthy family/personal relationships.

Work is another situation and it is not practical to always walk away or speak freely...so that situations improve. I have a office assistant who lies is manipulative and a bit of a phony. I hope this program will help me focus on what is important here .
Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

Maya2007