How do you learn to trust yourself and new guys again after a breakup? Whenever I go through a breakup where I got hurt really bad, I have a hard time with anxiety and getting to the point that I can trust again - I put a huge wall up. My last boyfriend told me that he really wanted to be with me and then when it would get to the point that it would get serious, he backed way off (we went through that a couple times). I think he got scared, but deep down, it affected my self esteem and now I wonder how to tell if someone means what they say. This isn't the first relationship that has ended badly (where I got hurt). I also go through a lot of negative self-talk about whether I will meet someone that I loved as much as I did him. We had so much in common and I enjoyed being with him - just when I think I'm over him, I get worried about whether or not I can feel something this strong for someone again - or if I can trust anyone. Has anyone else ever felt this way? If so, how do you change this kind of negative self talk?

Gayle, I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to pass on to you. I am in the same boat!I divorced my husband 5 years ago and have had some wonderful relationships.Unfortunatley, they ended on a sour note. I have had my heart broken so many times, and my self esteem (what there is of it)shattered. Everytime I try to pick myself up and move on. Now I am finding it very difficult to let go of the last man I was involved with.
I can honestly say that I am TERRIFIED of getting involved with someone else. The problem is that I do not trust myself to pick the right person.Last night I finally decided to join eharmony. I have asked that my higher power jump in and help.This is the only way for me right now because I do not trust myself to pick a "good" person, and I have HUGE issues with trusting someone else. (My ex husband cheated on me for years)You will find someone else that makes your heart pitter pat, and you are a smart person with a good head on your shoulders!

Well in the program we are taught to replace our negative thoughts with positive ones. They tell us to do this with 5 thoughts a day. This is a great way to start changing your thinking around.

You may want to keep reminding yourself that guys aren't all the same. They have diffrent struggles, diffrent thoughts and ideas and thus they will feel and react in diffrent ways. He backed down...who's choice was that? So who really had the problem here? People sometimes hurt other people as a result of their own insecurities, they usually don't do it to hurt others. As for worrying if you'll find someone that you feel strongly about,...well we attract people who are like us and well, if you like yourself then i'm sure you'll attract people who like you too. If you can fill yourself up with positive self worth then you will attract more of it.

I find in some cases that people get into relationships for the wrong reasons. They feel that it is the only way for them to feel wanted, caredful and worthy as a human. I feel that most of these relationships go badly and the result is pain. You're worried about trusting again...maybe working on being able to make yourself feel better will protect you from any insecurities. Actually thats what i'm working on myself at the moment.

Neways i hope this information comes in handy

Mike

I worry I won't find anyone as well. I dated a guy that told me he would do anything for me and wanted it to work out...wanted to have children with me. But then out of the blue started to pull away and told me he didn't think he could make me happy. I was sad at first but then realized I was better off by myself than with someone like my ex. He was cold and controlling and never said he was sorry and totally wrong for me. It helps me to think of it this way. Falling in love is always a risk. If it were totally safe there would be less passion less excitment. The key is to be able to control your passion a little bit. It is not worth being miserable in exchange for love. I think its easier to rebound when someone disappoints us if we are happy with ourselves and do not blame ourselves. I'm hoping this program will help me be happier when I am alone. That way I don't have to settle and can wait for a more healthy relationship with a guy that isn't afraid of getting close. This last guy I dated told me he was a terrible boyfriend and was afraid of commitment and then wouldn't stop sending me flowers and telling me how beautiful I was. My advise is don't get distracted by the flowers and the flattery. If a guy is scared of commitment he will tell you! I just didn't listen. Now Im waiting for someone who will be scared of losing me not scared of loving me.

I do not think you can tell if someone is trust, then if they are to trust then 100%.

I too trust many and then BAM! I would get slammed. I have found that like love, trust is something that is constantly growing and sometimes being trimmed.

The last "real" relationship before my husband left me with MANY scars and some open wounds. I did "date" guys, but always found a reason NOT to trust them, or maybe it was NOT to get close to them because I did not want to be hurt...or maybe my gut was right about those guys. In any case, I was point blank with my husband and told him when things seemed to get serious, that I was hurt and it is gonna take time for me to trust him. HE understood as well, as he was hurt as well. He did so some things that made me lower my trust of him before we were married...when I was away on a business trip, his decided he would go through boxes, found his ex-wifes pictures, etc and FELT he needed to drive to her parents to return them. Then another time, he felt the need to stop by their house...I told him IF he was stuck about her, then I was OUTTA THERE! He got it and I told him my trust in him will have to be built up again then and it was not me that did it, it was HIM and his actions that brought doubt into my mind. He GOT IT! Respect and trust is earned!

He has done some real DUH! things here and there. Men and woman think differenlty, the whole John Gray, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing. It is TRUE! They cannot help how they think more than we can. We are more emotional and considerate, men are more utilitarian (it serves a purpose thinking), more underreactive to MANY things.

I let my husband chase me when we were dating. I did know I liked him alot and I did see myself wih him, but I did not get hopes of the dress, the church and all that for actually..well it was not until he asked me! I never thought about it because I was happy with him and knew he had other obligations to deal with that were financially draining, so him being able to afford a ring was not in the budget. Things just grew because for the most part we respect one another and do not take one another for granted. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated, loved him the way I wanted to be loved...and yeah all is not perfect, but after 10 years (this August 16th!), it is like we still are on our honeymoon!

Just take things day by day, enjoy that person today, do not get a bunch of ideas for the future. Love and trust is built, once that foundation is built and seems solid, keep building together. For now, date and enjoy the person and do not get caught up in the future or rush it.

I know how you are feeling,too! I got hurt time and time again and my self esteem was so low that I put "walls up" to protect myself because I was sure that no one would really want to be with me. I am now dating an ex (we dated a few years ago for 3 months. He canceled a few dates on me in a row and I assumed he was trying to blow me off and broke up with him). In reality, he was just being stupid (his words, he was younger then!) and regretted it until he contacted me last August and we started dating again. It has now been 10 months and everything is going great. He is a wonderful guy and very respectful of me and also makes me feel good about myself. I still find myself anxious about it at times, though. He was away last weekend and we made plans to see each other last night. When we met up, he was quiet at first and I started thinking something was wrong. Turns out he was tired from work and we had a lovely evening together. There have been points over these past 10 months that my ridiculous expectations (going through the 4th session right now!) had me convinced that we were going to break up or something was wrong and every single time he came through. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is this condition that plays with your mind to the point where you actually believe it. I refuse to let it ruin a great relationship with a great guy! It's not easy, though. We have been taking things slow from the start and sometimes I get anxious...we "should" be at a certain point at such and such a time in our relationship...blah blah blah. I find that when I just relax and enjoy the moment, I am happy. I have friends that are in relationships or married that are unhappy, so why not just enjoy what I have and let things happen naturally? That being said, hopefully we will all learn to change our mindset with this program. When I first started it and really looked at how I talked to myself and the limitations that this condition put on me, I wept for all the years that I wasted being afraid. I guess just remember that we are all in this together and trust in fate...

You have alot of good supporting words in this thread by some really good people. You aren't alone

I'm actually just reading up on lesson 3 and maybe another thing you can do to diffuse the negative thoughts is when you go to change them on paper, you could label what category of negative thinking that thought is. In this situation i feel that the main one would be the category of "Negative predictions or jumping to conclusions". Maybe something to think about.

quote:

When I first started it and really looked at how I talked to myself and the limitations that this condition put on me, I wept for all the years that I wasted being afraid. I guess just remember that we are all in this together and trust in fate...

I wouldn't say you wasted. A waste is when you learned nothing from an experience. You seemed to have learned alot. We all have fear that keeps us from doing things at some point in our lives. If it wasn't so strong you may have just said, its not a big deal and avoided doing a few things which would have decreased the enjoyment of life...instead you had that strong fear which stopped you from doin what it seems to be a significant number of things and in turn you used that as a motivation to get past those things. Instead of not doing things out of fear, you know how to face that fear. You know how to reduce fear. Never regret learning how to better yourself. I think you should give yourself more credit.

Mike

Does everyone truly feel that this program will help when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex? This was my motivation for starting this program.
In the beginning of each relationship I am calm and very cool, but the minute they start pulling away, I wonder what I have done.This is when I start to pull out the baseball bat and beat myself up. Currently, I am trying to be friends with my last boyfriend.His children babysit for me and are very much apart of my life. Tonight I asked him to go to dinner, and he said that he could not. He also reminded me that he told 4 other women today that he could not go out with them either, and I should not take it personally. How does one not take it personally? He then proceeded to ask me about a fancy restaurant downtown, and that he was planning on taking a date there this weekend. I reminded him that I would prefer not to discuss his dates. He got mad at me and hung up the phone.I called him right back, and he told me that I had no right to ask this of him. I call it respecting someone elses wishes. He did not agree.At that time, I wanted to ask him why does he want to treat someone who is so dear and kind like a piece of trash?
Please forgive me for rambling on, but I have been struggling for so long.Before I hung up the phone, I wanted to ask him if he secretly laughs at me behind my back. I could not do it. I am a 41 year old mother of 3. I have a wonderful personality,I am smart,have a great figure, and a pretty nice face too. Why do people find it necessary to be so mean to me?

Anne,
Im married, but i found that no matter how pretty i was, or how kind i was or how understanding i was, i "allowed" myself to be controlled and treated badly.
My husband is a GOOD man, Awesome wonderful love of my life,, But, His mother was very controlling and so when he was old enough, and got away from being under her thumb. He decieded no one would ever "control" (as he put it) again. So, he became the controller.
Its not a good way to live, because I was continually asking myself what was wrong with ME?
The program helped me realize, I had to change ME,, not change him. When i began to Change and no longer allowed myself to be controlled,,, He also changed.
You have some wonderful positive things to say about yourself,, thats awesome!!
But, this guy that did that to you on the phone, and bragged about how many women he has dangling, wanting him,, is just basically a "JERK".
He isnt worth your time, effort, or breath!!!
Give yourself some credit for the positive things you mentioned about yourself, and move on! There is a wonderful person out there, who will treat you as you want to be treated, with respect and courtesy...
Finish the program it touches every part of the person. The diet, the health, the mind, the thoughts.... It has worked for me, and i beleive it will work for you!! Take care Nelly

Nelly,
Thanks so much for the feed back.You have given me a lot of hope tonight. You are such an inspiration!
Anne

Thanks everyone - I got some good pointers that I can use to replace my negative thoughts about trusting another man (and trusting myself).