My mom and I had a semi-argument tonight. I’ve been in therapy since May and through seeing a therapist I have been noticing a pattern to my panic attacks and depression. I tend to do really well and then once I am around my family I crash. Without going into too much detail I wanted to give a brief history to my family, I have three half brothers and my mom and dad (step-dad to my half-brothers) both have a long history of anxiety and depression. My half brothers are good people, but their lives are surrounded in drama, drama in which I don’t want to be a part of. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, based on my being molested as a child, by a family member, that I blame her for, in which she had no control over and to this day does not know about (we have a lot of dark secrets in my family). I am reluctant to disclose this information to my parents, at least not until I have come to terms with it. Anyway, I am trying to come to terms with this abuse and because of this, I don’t want to be around my half-brothers right now. I love them very much, but I just don’t think it is in my best interest to be around them right now and my therapist feels the same way. Here is my problem, I don’t want to hurt them and I don’t want them to think badly of me or think that I am a bad daughter. My mother is very manipulative and she knows exactly how to make me feel guilty. I didn’t go to my family’s thanksgiving dinner, my husband and I stayed home and we had a wonderful day together. Prior to thanksgiving, my mom and I talked about Christmas and gifts. I have nine nieces and nephews and although I love them very much, I don’t have the extra $$ to buy for them this year and I feel like Christmas is getting a little out of hand with the gift giving, so I mentioned to my mom that I thought either we should draw names this year for the kids or each family should worry about buying gifts for their own and having their Christmas tradition in the morning at their own homes before we all get together for Christmas dinner at my parent's house and just well be together (and this I don’t even really want to do, I just suggested it to make everyone else happy). My half-brothers were very upset about this and want to keep buying for everyone. I on other hand think this is not sensible. I am 27 years old and I am really trying to make a good life for myself, I work full-time and go to school. I don’t have any children and my husband and I make more money than my half-brothers, but we are trying to pay off our debt and I am going back to college without taking out any loans, I just can’t buy gifts this year. My Mom and I got into an argument about this, so I said, well, I’m not going to buy gifts and my husband and I will come over in the morning to avoid the tree and then we will go to his parent’s in the afternoon. My mom responded..”DON’T RUIN YOUR FATHER’S AND MY CHRISTMAS!!!” I can’t believe she said that to me. It crushed me. How could my not partcipating in the tree ruin her christmas? She is always doing that to me and making me feel like I am a bad daughter. Her other favorite line is..”WELL, YOU ARE YOUR FATHER’S ONLY CHILD AND HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.” That makes me feel about 2” tall. My parents never come and see me and I live 20 mins. away. I love my parents, I do. My dad means the world to me, but I can’t be around my half-brothers, right now, I just can’t. I feel like I am the misfit in my own family, like I don’t belong anymore. My Aunt who is like an angel to me, once told me that I didn’t take the path that was paved for me and that she was proud of me. My parent’s don’t know a lot about what I am going through right now and I think its safe to say that they don’t know me, they are always soaked in my half-brothers’ lives and they are always helping them, I feel like they take advantage of my parents. I never ask my parents for money, all I want is for them to pay attention to me. I guess I am jealous and am hurting from my parent’s lack of interest in my life. I don’t know what I am trying to say here, I am hurting right now and am afraid of the panic attacks that may come from this conversation tonight. I have to start doing what is right for me, but how do you get to that point and not feel guilty about it? How do you get to the point where it is OK if people are upset with you and not let it affect you? I am sorry for this long post, but I need to be around people that understand me right now. Thank you and I am grateful for all of you.

~Nicole

You are just like me a people pleaser. You have the right to be happy and make your own decisions. Pray to god for guidance. are you listening to your tapes? you are worrying to much .Relax .God's got your back.

Hi Nicole.

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I'm sorry It doesn't sound like your family is doing anything wrong. They are not giving you the attention you need because you are not letting them know what's going on with you. If you make it seem that everything is fine with you, of course they are going to give more attention to your brothers whom they think needs the attention. You blame your mother for you being molested and you're taking it out on her but you said that it wasn't her fault and that she doesn't even know that it happened. Another thing is that when parents raise children with "traditions" such as x-mas tree trimmings, they really expect you to be there and if you're not ,they feel disappointed. Instead of hiding your "secret" as to why you're not going to buy presents or trim the tree with them, you have to let them know what's going on, then maybe they'll understand your problem and then you might not feel like you need to stay away. After you let them in on how you feel, if they still doesn't understand, then that's their problem.

I wouldn't usually suggest that you always have to explain "why" to your parents, but you're keeping a lot of secrets that's causing you and your family a lot of problems.

That is your family and it sounds like they love you and wants you around. They'll understand. Talk to them about what's going on with you, you'll feel so much better.

Take care.
DeeDee.

Hi Stephanie and Deedee thank you so much for the support!

Deedee, I can defiantly see how my family could see me as not having to need them and so they put themselves where they know they are needed. I think that you are right, I'm not being fair to my parents and especially to my mom. I’m scared to tell my parents my secret because it involves two of my brothers. I was molested by two of my brothers on several different occasions (one is 6 years older than me and the other is 3 years older than me), I believe I was around 6 when it started, I remember four instances and after they always said, “don’t tell mom” and I never did. I’m scared to tell my parents because I don’t want it to rip us apart, which seems so silly because in some ways that is exactly what I am doing, by avoiding them. I also don’t want to hurt my parents and I think I also have to be prepared to confront my brothers about this; maybe the best thing would be to talk to them about it first. I’ve got a lot of “what if” thoughts about coming clean to my parents about this. What if they don’t believe me, what if my brothers deny it and it becomes a “he said, she said” type situation. I’ve tried to have a relationship with my brothers, I really have. I have tried to forget about what happened to me and move on and tell myself, it wasn’t molestation it was just kids being kids, but I carry a lot of shame, guilt and feelings of being dirty because of what my brothers did to me.

Posting my secret and putting myself out there on this forum is a big step for me, I think this may bring me closer to telling the truth to my family, I’m really acknowledging right now that yes, this happened to me and that it wasn’t ok. I am actually feeling really strong right now..kind of unexpected!

My therapist has basically told me the same thing you have, I need to come clean and confront what happened to me, I’m just so scared to do this, I guess because once I do, I’m afraid that I am going to feel exposed and very vulnerable. I don’t know, I just don’t know what to do. I wish that this never happened.

I think for Christmas what I am going to do is buy inexpensive gifts for my nieces in nephews, and my husband and I will visit with my family in the morning. I know that this is probably going to upset my parents, but I think for now this is what I have to do for me.

Again, thank you so much for your support and honesty. I really want to get through this and move on in my life. I also do want to have a relationship with my family, including my brothers; I just don’t know how to get there yet.

Be well. ~ Nicole

I am so sorry I know that this is the hardest thing you have to face. I will be praying that they take it well. this is a hard pill to swallow for them ,but it will help you get closure. Please hang in there.

Nicohle
I understand what your saying. Your 27yrs old. Its time you started setting boundaries for yourself. Personal, Spiritual, and Familial boundaries.
this is the definition of boundry:Something that indicates a border or limit.
We all have to have personal boundaries, especially with those who are continually manipulating us to get thier way.
First of all, You dont have to explain to anyone why you cant buy gifts for all those people. Just say NO! We arent.
Dont feel guilty for setting a boundary! You have a husband of your own now. He comes first in your life, not cousins or parents.
You dont have to be ugly with your mother about it, just be firm and assertive! She wont like that for awhile, but if you maintain your boundry in Love,, she will realize her manipulating isnt working.
As far as the abuse, you are working on that with your therapist, and i would never tell you to tell your mother, until your ready.
But you cant hold your mother responsible for something youve never told her either.. See what i mean?
Put your priorites in perspective, set some boundaries. Avoiding, doesnt get us anywhere.
Lesson 4 is a good one because it deals with expectations. By what your saying, your mother expects more than your willing to give. So, remember even though she doesnt know how you feel, you cant expect high expectations from anyone, especially family members,, if you lower your expectations some, you wont get so hurt, and stop allowing your family or your mother to manipulate you! Take care Nelly

Thank you Nelly – your post brought tears to my eyes, you really hit home. I am going to work on setting some boundaries and staying firm and assertive about them and also begin to let go of the hard feelings that I have towards my mother because it wasn’t her fault that I was molested.

I am actually going into week 4, so I will make sure that I pay close attention to this one and how it relates to my family, but I couldn’t agree with you more, I need to lower my expectations and stop giving my power away to my family.

Thank you so much for your support.

Angie – thank you so much for your kind words and prayers.

~Nicole