Here's the thing I'm worried about now -- how to tell a long-time colleague I no longer want to work with him. Or at least I want out of the big project we've been doing.

For five years, I've been working on this Big Important Save-the World Project with a colleague I'll call Allen. We started the project together and both carry the title "cofounder." At some point he named himself "Director" without checking with me -- appeared on a workshop panel with that title. Also, whenever we get a grant (we're at a nonprofit), he controls it -- makes sure various other folks are paid, and I get little dribs of what's left over. (He's been at our Institute 15 years and I've only been there 2 years; he's on the board of directors and I'm an adjunct; also he's a MAN and I'm a woman; also he has a great reputation in the field -- I do too, but in a different way. Too complicated to explain; basically I'm a book author, he's an organizer.)

The project we're doing is an important one, I enjoy it. But there's a book I'm wanting to write, and I never find time for it. I end up putting more time in that I want to on the "Big Project" with Allen -- more time than I'm paid for.

We're at a logical turning point, just finished a big conference for 200 people (I had several anxiety attacks over it, lost sleep too). We went out for lunch today to review progress, and he has big plans for moving ahead -- his salary is covered by an internal grant, but mine is not. So down the pike I see more work coming that I'm not going to be paid for (or I'll get paid for a bit and do a lot more).

It was so hard for me to say -- hey Allen, I'm taking a step back here, I wish you luck -- I acted like everything's normal: and I got a HUGE STOMACH ACHE. Had to rush home, thought I had the flu. As soon as I got home, I felt fine. My body is speaking to me so clearly! I can't stomach Allen and the Big Project anymore!

What a wimp I sound like. Why is this so hard for me? I hate to disappoint Allen -- hate to tell him, hey, I'm outta here. I feel this compulsion to be nice to him, to take care of him. He's near retirement, this is his pet project, I've been there right beside him the whole time. I feel like I'd be abandoning him.

Any advice on how to stop being so g.. d.. wimpy here? And why am I so wimpy?

Anybody else have a hard time with stuff like this?

Missouri Gal

Hi there Missouri Gal!

While I can say I've never been in your exact position, I've definitely been in positions before where I avoid doing something for a very long time because of fear! It sounds as though your heart really isn't in this project and you've been given the short end of the stick throughout the entire ordeal. I think it's up to you to decide if you want to stay or if you want to go - and I think you've already made that decision. Now comes the hard part... you don't want to hurt Allen's feelings or cause him any grief aimed towards you, right? Hate to be the one to say it, but sometimes you have to cause someone else grief in order to get what you want. The way I look at it is, hey, life IS indeed short and when it comes down to it, you should be happy - no matter what. If that means letting Allen down, then do so, but don't let yourself down and make yourself sick in the mean time. It's like ripping off a band-aid, it's is so much more painful to rip it off slowly. Can you imagine how great you will feel to be free of this worry? Don't look at it as giving up, you've given this a great amount of time and you've put all can you put into it, you're done now and let it be so!

It's like Lucinda says, be assertive. Be straight forward. Say, "Allen, sorry I can't anymore." Don't let out a long stream of apologies or excuses, because people can and will use those to your disadvantage and try to talk you out of it. Whatever his reaction is, let it be what it is. You can't control Allen, but you can surely control how you react to Allen. Maybe he will be upset, but time heals every wound and sooner than later, this entire ordeal will be past you.

As my mom always says, "get it over with and move on with life!"

Find the courage in yourself to say what you mean and mean what you say. And hey, give yourself some slack... you're not a wimp! You're sensitive to other peoples feelings and that's a great quality in which to have. It becomes self damaging when we let people walk all over us. Do not be a doormat. Good luck and have a great weekend, Missouri Gal!

Hey there,
I have to say... you're going about this wrong, and it's not about you "not having the stomach" for it, but about phrasing it right so you don't feel you came off strong.
I'd tell him, "I feel there's something I have to tell you, because it's been bothing me. I'm not sure this is right for me anymore, because this project didn't come out to what I expected out of it before. I guess, I have to admit I expected a bigger financial outcome for myself. I hope you'll understand why I don't feel this is right for me anymore."
I'd say something like that, then there's nothing to feel bad about. Is it possible you're worried about losing out on something good, that you're not sure that's what you want to do? What will you do once you're off the project?

Hey Sammy,

I live in Plymouth, too. haha, small world.

Karilynn and Sammy -
Thanks for your words. It's funny - I can make this into "something confusing," like I don't know what I want, when the truth is I'm having a hard time being assertive. I can't even admit that's my issue, it seems so weak and I'm not a weak person.

Sammy was right, though, when he said maybe I'm not sure what I'll do next. I do have one project lined up, but will need a bit more to meet my income goals for the year.

I also think I'm sad about leaving the project. I've been focusing on feeling gratitude toward Allen, as I have learned a lot from him. But it's time to move on.

Thanks for your kinds words. And thanks for the hugs and kisses.

Missouri Gal

I think the main behavior we all have here is being people pleasers and it sounds that you feel bad after you stood up for yourself....but if you go beyond judgment, obviously you are getting better .........you said what you felt and you left something that didn't look fair to you!!! and that is excellent!! yes, you are feeling bad now, but if you can recognize that this is just the old habit of being a people pleaser, I'm sure you are going to be able to pass it and praise yourself for being assetive.
I'm very glad for you......Keep on doing the good work!!!!