The whole positive thought process makes a lot of sense. I am writing my negative thoughts down and am making an effort to be positive.

My problem is THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE AROUND ME. My parents are NEVER positive. The can not enjoy themselves and are always piling negativity on me and my sister. Mind you, we are adults but I still have to interact with them unless I pack up and leave town, which is unrealistic.

My wife can be worse. For example, this morning, I wake up in a great mood, the program is making me better. Immediately she is on the attack. She is going to Florida to visit her mother with 2 of my kids. She insisted I stay back with my other son because of sports. Now, she is attacking me because I will be here in cold Chicago with a foot of snow. I brought up the sex thing in another topic and was slammed for it but I am making an effort to make things better and she continues to be an asexual bitch.

My business partner is 59 years old and acts like a 13 year old and is a mean harassing ass to our employees.

My rage is at its highest level and I am ready to snap. What am I supposed to do about these people who wear me down?

I want to be positive but I also do not want to be a passive aggressive, which is what happens if I do not fight. Then comes the anxiety and then the depression.

Help!

Hi Joe

Man can I relate! woweee.. I have posted about coworkers and spouses that bring you down, I dont get how we are supposed to recover in an enviroment that supported our negativity?

Nonetheless although I dont have a full answer I do keep telling myself I live for me, I control me, and get positivity is contagious I just need to keep it up- also life is 10% of what happened to you and 90% of how you react- dont forget that.. its important to keep that in mind. for instance yesterday I woke up great too.. my spouse started bitching about the mess he had to clean from his family being here all weekend b.c. I had to go to work.. all I said to him was "man your wasting a lot of energy this morning on the negativity of a mess.." and went off to work- I didnt even relize how much I underreacted and IT FELT AMAZING! he stated when I got in that night, "im sorry for doing that, I feel silly now" and I accepted, normally I would have flipped on him about how I did all the work all weekend and now I have to go to work.. and ruin MY whole day and morning, but it didnt!

keep practising the tools for YOU noone else, and I promise you once you feel strong enough mentally and in yourself you will not even notice the negativity b.c. it wont effect you and if you need to, you can make the appropriate change for you then. We are on average more sensitive than others in this regard until we are better, nothing will effect us like it did and ANOTHER THING you will take steps forward and back, the negativity fights back when you fight it so it will take time, just keep looking ahead, practise makes perfect and you will probably have to do the program over and over in those hard times.. keep a journal, especially a gratitude journal- write each day what you are thankful for and try and see the beauty of it all, being positive is easier than negative once you break the cycle

Also with respect to the anger, listen to session 6 that is anger based and really helps. (even if you have to skip ahead briefly to help ease the stress of the current session) anger is a reaction based emotion and once you arent angry upstairs mentally it will not spill into your regular life.. learn to underreact to the bad and blow up the good- have compassion for yourself and others and perhaps your wife will want to embrace the program too- anyone can learn from it, and I mean ANYONE!

Please feel free to PM if needed but have faith.. I promise you it will all come together, its a domino effect really.. patience and it will all come together, you are doing this just for you, life for you, no one else matters give yourself credit for that fact, and when you think about it we are silly for letting other people bother us, and worry b.c we are the ones losing our life for them.. they win in the end- rise above them and their behaviors.

Best wishes and please keep in touch!

THANK YOU!

I have only recently become aware that my husband, my mother and my boss are all negative people, and all in different ways. My husband is passive agressive in his negativity, so it took me a long time to notice it. My mother catastrophizes everything and it seems like she only calls me when there's been a "tragedy". My boss is constantly exasperated at everything.

This may sound silly, but since I've started recognizing thier behavior, I have done three things:

1. I imagine a line or a bubble or a forcefield around me where they cannot "cross". It is my safe zone. I detach myself from anything they say or do that affects me negatively, but not without acknowledging it. I still respond to them, but in my "bubble", I can "send out" but it protects me from anything they send in. I literally pretend like their negativity is being deflected away from me before it gets to me.

2. I accept and forgive them immediately. I know and understand that they have thier issues, too. It makes me more patient with them.

3. Sometimes I take control in the form of avoidance. I shut my office door if my boss is amped up that day, or I don't answer the phone when my mother calls if I don't feel like hearing another horror story.

Hope this helps!

Thank you Sandina.

Here is what makes this difficult and I would like your opinions.

When I get angry and fight back, the negative people around me become nice. It is like they only respect me when I snap. It also gives me a sense of release and relief.

What I need to find out is if I make the effort to be positive, how can I bury the rage or eliminate it all together?

I fought all of my life and I AM SICK OF FIGHTING.

good tips thanks Sadina!

I have this problem as well. There is one woman I work with who seems to be on the tyrade all the time. She never stops. I have taken my ipod to work and wear the headphones but she even tries to talk over them. She just constantly complains about everything. I keep trying to convince myself that it will go away but it never does. I am really considering looking for a new job because of the negative people I work with. I was on top of the world this morning then I got to work and hadn't even made it to my room when she started ranting and raving about something. It gets me keyed up and anxious.

Wow - I identify but from the other end. I am incredibly negative to the point of irritating myself, which feeds back on itself. This is the root of my problem - being negative and anxious about every little thing that does not go the way I think it should. My wife and kids are suffering and I am missing the best part of my life. So your message is one that I intelectually understand and would only suggest that you talk with those that are "bringing you down" as they clearly have a problem as I do. I am trying to emotionally get my arms around my issue(s) and need all the help I can get. Perhaps your CLOSEST negative influence needs to stand back and look in the mirror!

Joe B,

In reply to your question, I must say that "fighting back" is probably what negative people want you to do. When my husband is being negative (his is usually in the form of manic rage!) towards me, it's like he's beating me up and he isn't satisfied until either I break or I blow up. I have learned (and it's not easy to do) to be calm. Calm. Calm. I listen to him. I make calm, rational statements to let him know I am listening but not reacting. If this doesn't work or if he's still ranting, I will tell him firmly but lovingly, "I do not wish to discuss this with you right now if you cannot talk about it without yelling" or "Let's finish this conversation after you've calmed down". Sometimes I remind him that he must remember I am in a delicate state with my anxiety, and his negativity affects me, and if he loves me he will try to be more sensitive of that.

99% of the time he will spend awhile stewing over it and then come up to me later and apologize.

Hi Joe,

I would suggest that you check out session 6 on anger and session 7 on assertive behavior- these will helps you big time right now (I know they say dont skip but use these in conjunction with the current session you are on)

Best wishes and you are so on the right track give yourself some credit

Oh man does all of this sound way to familiar. I have alot of neagtive people in my life to and its not like I can get them out of my life because they are family. My mom is by far the most negative person and I have never really noticed until the last few years and more and more as I get more positive. She makes an excuse for everything on why she cant do something, oh well I cant eat that food because I cant afford it, I cant do that beause my husband wont let me, I cant do that exercise because it hurts. There is an excuse for everything. Her and I are on a work out program together and we have a team and everyone on the team has knowm each other for years some even family, and I called my mom out on this in front of a few people and my aunt agreed so its not just me. Also my 17 year old sister seems to be following my moms footsteps she is pregnant and has the worst boyfriend ever who just treats her terribly and I have to watch it, and hear about it all the time. I am just so sick of hearing about it, its nothing but old news to me. Its like how can I make myself better if everyone around me is driving me nuts with their negativity. So what am I suppose to do?

We all have negative people on our life, everyday. I always remember Lucinda's saying to be less affected and more effective. When I hear other people's negativity, I decided not to take it. I used to think about it or wonder how I can make it better or help out. Most of the time, there's nothing you can do. It feels really good now to hear the negativity come out of someones mouth and know that I won't allow it to affect me the way it used to. I smile inside because I just don't let that stuff bother me. I can choose to walk away from pessimistic people and let them feel sorry for themselves if that's what they want to do. Or I can offer a positive word - if they don't want to take it, that's their problem, not mine.

My family are all perfectionists; They can drive you bonkers. My mother wanted all of us to be perfect, and although I know she loves us unconditionally, she knows how to push those buttons. I am trying to learn how not to let it affect me, but it is not easy. Take my daughter for instance. She has a boyfriend who is not the ideal perfect person for my daughter. Every time I get on the phone i have to hear it from either my mother or my sisters. Does he have a job yet? Is he doing this? Is she crazy? I would have thrown him out by now. I find myself making excuses just because I feel bad that they are so nasty towards him. Finally my daughter did tell him to leave, and found another boyfriend. Oh my! Why is she with him? Then the rumors fly. It is so hard when you have 5 sisters and a mother. Each talk to the others and the story changes with each person. So when you talk to them even though it is not your life you find yourself on the defensive. I try to tell them to talk to her and leave me out of it, but the questions come and the judgements. Now my daughter has gone through a with her old boyfriend who is also the father of her children and he is trying to change and now the family got wind that she is taking him back little by little.
My mother asks how is your daughter? Is she still with her boyfriend? No she's back with the old one. "Why? He is such a loser!" He is not even my boyfriend, but man those words cut through to the heart and make me so mad. I told my mother that I will not discuss it with her. I told her we are dropping the subject, which we did, but I am still angry about it and it has been 2 days. I am trying to forget it, but this type of stuff is ongoing with my family and I am not strong enough yet to know the correct words how to nip it in the bud. I need to not let them get to me, but boy do they!
Like I said we have all grown up to be perfectionists, and some of my sisters are very unhappy in their life. Because they cannot find perfection in their life, they will find the imperfection in everyone elses. That includes mine. Somtimes they do not even know that they are being negative, and I know that I am being over sensitive, and they make sure they let me know that they know it too. I think this part of the program will take a while, but I will get it sooner or later.
I think the easier part will be to not react to them, while the hardest part is to not let is get to me. I cringe when people say things that hurt and I feel the resentment and anger build. I try not to think of it or let them affect me but it is sooo hard. If anyone knows how not to be affected by nastiness, please explain to me how, because I can use that advise and quick.
thanks for listening!
HOPEFULL

Yikes! You have your hands full. It has to be hard to listen to your mom and sisters say those things. It's really easy for them to sit outside and judge what's going on when they don't really know how things are. I applaud you for trying to stand your ground. A therapist once told me to turn the tables on people that do that and constantly ride them about something in their life. I don't know if it works because I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think you should stay strong and do what you feel is right. No one knows what it's like to be in your shoes (or your daughter's for that matter!)

I know what you mean about negative people..I never thought of my family as negative until I started going through this program..but then as I sat there and listened to how my mother talks about everything everyday..it's like there's a new catastrophe everyday..I mean I know some of the things she's going through are hard to deal with..but that's all I hear are the negative things..and starting tomorrow I'm going to ask her to give me three things each day that she's thankful for or three positive things that have happened to her.My son is the same way..he's having a baby in August and he's not married..but I believe a baby is a blessing..God allowed that baby to be here for this time for a reason..and all he keeps thinking about is selfish thoughts about how he won't be able to do all the things he used to or how it's encroaching on his life..I personally am excited..this will be my first grandchild..my boyfriend is also a very negative person..I love him because he has been with me through all this crazy anxiety stuff and he drives my daughter to school every morning even though he works a night shift and he knows I have to work on my driving..but he doesn't push me..but just everyday things that happen about his job or where we're at in life..how unhappy he is that we're staying with my mom right now ..I mean I know it's hard, but atleast we're not on the street and we can work on moving forward with our lives..I'm going through the program and I'm trying to get better..but all this negativity..even my sister is very negative..she's my younger sister and got married and had the whole family thing before me..so she tries to act like she's the oldest..and it drives me crazy..but I guess I have to try to zone them out..and try to turn them around once they've started on a rampage..It's something I have to work on...