I can identify some very specific examples of circumstances in my life where I incorrectly thought about my circumstances and in so doing became trapped in a vicious cycle of negative thinking, self doubt, and depression.

Quit 8th grade football. The coach wanted me to play, I wasn't playing because I wanted to. (Even though I liked football) I developed a fear of practice (not the games) due to 100 yard wind sprints. I tried to give 150% instead of pacing myself through practice. People pleaser. I experienced my first major anxiety and had to take medicine for my stomach. Before quitting it was getting to the point that I couldn't get myself up to go to school daily. When I quit, the coach chewed me out for 10 minutes telling me I was a loser and a quitter. [What I didn't understand until years later was that He thought I was talented, and he wanted to win a district championship and thought I could contrubute to HIS SUCCESS] This "marked" me for several years. I viewed myself as a loser and a chicken. The negative feelings were bad. Back in the early '60s if you were a big guy and didn't play football you were viewed by a lot of males [including some coaches in my opinion] as a "sissy" ['60s term], and if you quit you were even worse.

What I understand about the situation now is that I was only 13 or 14 and I didn't choose to play football of my own intiative, even though I did in 5th and 6th grades. The coach wanted me to play and I felt obligated. I was a people pleaser, dependent upon the opinions of others for my own self esteem. I did the best I could. I didn't need to beat myself up for the experience for years afterwards. I made it through 7th grade track and half of the 8th grade season. It wasn't a total failure.

Upon graduation from high school, my girlfriend of 2.5 years ended the relationship. I was devastated. I felt totally empty inside for a month. I felt inferior, not good enough. I simply didn't know how to cope and had low self esteem. Six weeks later I experienced my first panic attacks and depression. Linkage here? Probably. I grew out of this at age 24 while in the military. I dated 5 or 6 women my two years in the service, and a couple of others had made a first move but I was too negative towards myself to know what was going on. I discovered I wasn't as unattractive as I had thought. I married the woman chosen by my high school her senior year as senior beauty.

I went through four years of R.O.T.C. in college and signed an Army contract my junior year. I barely made it through, barely passed, officer basic summer camp my junior year. I viewed this as a total failure even though they passed me. I agonized over this for years afterward due to what happened at the camp. I still don't feel that great about it, but looking back I can see that I didn't get the training that I needed to be effective when placed in leadership positions at the camp. I learned while at the camp and was performing satisfactorily before it was over, but adequate training would have enabled me to do well. Inspite of this, the semester after camp I was chosen as one of the top three cadets by the officers at the college. This has always felt like a hollow victory, meaning I didn't really deserve it. I tend to think that at times, even now.

Throughout my life, I have based my acceptance of myself based upon my performance. This worked great my first 18 years of life because I achieved most of what I desired. But since then such conditional acceptance has not worked for me because I have not achieved what I expected or desired.

I have a lot more dirty laundry. Anyone else have examples of how you have learned to view your past differently so that it doesn't cripple you?