Andrew, (and whomever else may want to read)
This is a very hard subject for me. The one person that I have not forgiven within my heart is my mother.

I know that is a horrible thing to say. I have told myself before that I forgive her. I have really really tried to forgive her. Everytime that I give her a clean slate she does something else to make me think about all of the hurt between us over the past 20 years.

I do not have enough time to give you every instance and I know that I am not innocent to causing her pain as well. But there was a point when I was innocent. I am going to give you some history...

I am the oldest child and the only female. It was demanded of me from age 7 to be a responsible person. I lost my childhood at that point. I became the "mother" to my little brother. Both of my parents worked full time.

At age 9 my parents divorced things got a lot worse for me then. My mother's anger and hatred was directed to me. She repeatedly stated to me that I am a liar, a cheater and a thief. Those three words still ring in my ears. I would sit to play a game with my little brother and my mother would make us quit... stating that I was cheating. I never cheated.

The next thing was her proving that I was a thief. I took a candy bar out of the refridgerator without asking. She sent me to a phsychiatrist for stealing. (I started sneaking food at this point).

And the last... liar...I made that one come true. I knew that I was going to get in trouble anyway...I lied all of the time. It was easy for me. I even started to steal then. I was going to be accused of it I might as well live up to that expectation.

At age 14 I was "mother" to two brothers. I had to watch them before and after school and all summer long. I had to do normal household chores as well. The only way that I had to escape from my depression was my piano. (In 6th grade my piano teacher died of cancer and I never got another one.) I continued to play on my own. That was my dream. I wanted to be a concert pianist. I didn't dare ask to get another piano teacher. I never did ask. I am still hurt by this. I now dream of owning a piano. My youngest brother plays piano and my mother invites me to his recitals. She is very proud of him. She was never proud of me.

My mother would beat me to the ground and kick me in the stomach. She would pull my hair, call me names and make hurtful comparisons of me to my father. She would even use my little brother to get me to confess to things. She would tape a string from the top of my door jam to the door of my room so that if I went in she would know. She would go in a search for anything that she could find to punish me for. My brother and I would sit on the couch as she did this. (keep in mind it was always my room not my brothers). She would come out and make up something to be mad about then wait for a confession from my brother or myself. My brother and I were as loyal to eachother as we could be. We always tried to not tattle as we knew what would come. A broken yard stick over us or worse. Finally when she was tired of waiting she would take my brother into the bathroom and make it sound like she was spanking him or beating him and she would make him "fake" cry. When I couldn't take it anymore ( I thought that she was really beating him) I would confess. Whether I did it or not. Then I would get beat.

She accussed me of smoking pot because I would come home from school and go straight to my room and collapse. I wasn't smoking pot. I was exhausted and depressed.

I would be grounded for a C on my report card. The grounding would last until the next report card. It never failed that I got at least one C. I managed to be the only one in my class to graduate early. I was done with school in January. February 15 she kicked me out for not having a job yet. I moved in with a friend and got pregnant twice by a guy I hardly knew. I miscarried both times. My mother said that was God's punishment to me.

I ended up moving around about every six months. That was what I was used to as I had moved alot as a child. (I went to a different high school every year for 4 years.)I was not settled. My mother offered to pay for me to attend a community college and she helped me get a dorm apartment. I agreed. I met my husband there and we got engaged. My mother seemed to like him and was not upset that we were going to get married. But when I asked her for help to pay for the wedding she refused. I did not have the guts to ask my father for anything. (We are not close either). So after thinking things over my fiance and I decided not to wait. We decided on a Sunday to get married the following Friday. I called everyone to let them know. Everyone was able to come...except my mother. She had to clean her house that Friday night as she was having a party the next day for her friends in society. I got married anyway. I am still married, it's been 9 years. My mother and I did not talk for several years except when she wanted to get some dirt on my dad about childsupport. My brother lived with me from age 15 to 18 and my dad got all of the childsupport despite the fact that my brother was with me.

Just within the last two years we have been getting along better. She is retired now ( at age 48) and is partially a different person. I have learned to stay off of certain subjects with her. I am still hurt by everything that she did. I am hurt that she did not care enough to come and see me when I had both of my girls. She missed all of their baby years. I didn't need her for advice as I had raised both of my brothers.

I get hurt everytime that I reach out to her for comfort and support. Regarding marriage problems she will defend my husband and say that I am expecting too much too fast. Regarding my condition of anxiety and depression and taking medication she is appauled that I will pump that un-natural stuff into my body. She signs her e-mails...
"purest" mom. If I do not put a in her e-mail she will make a point to mention it.

I am so tired of it all. I do really want to be able to forgive her...but I really do not know how. I have prayed at night about this...and then I remember when I was a child and I would pray at night for the Lord to take her now. I wanted her gone from the earth.

I need to mention the fact that I tried as a child to press charges on her for physical and mental abuse. That never got far because in order for me to talk with a social worker my mother had to sign a consent form. It made things worse for me when she would find out.

I have a hard time telling myself that "I" am the cause of my anxiety and depression. Am I?


~Flutterby

Dear Flutterby;
My heart goes out to you. How sad for you. Obviously your mom has issues around you, whatever they may be. Ask her someday. Ask her why she treated you the way she did. She may deny it. Probably someone has hurt her very badly as well and she is merely repeating the cycle. What was her childhood like? Her mother? I went through inner child therapy a few years ago and it works wonders. The thing about healing is that it is a slow process and sometimes you dont realize how far you have come until you look back. I found a good counselor that knew how to work with people and their inner child. Maybe its something that would work for you. You wont be able to forgive her until you do the work and you should NEVER feel guilty for that or anything else you feel about it. She hurt you and abandoned you. You never deserved that. You are special and she has lost out on a precious gift in life by denying that. All you can do is start to heal yourself and that little girl that was hurting so bad. You may have to detatch yourself from your mom because you will feel a lot of anger towards he. It is OKAY! Let it happen. It is the only way to get through it to the other side where you can forgive her someday. It is hard work but you will never regret it. It may change your life. Good luck........ LAURA

quote:

I have a hard time telling myself that "I" am the cause of my anxiety and depression. Am I?

Flutterby--

I am sorry that you had the childhood that you did, and it is no wonder that that caused you a great deal of pain. And yet, I think while it is important for you to work through all of that, I think that it is also important to see that, despite what happened to you as a child, you are still the reason that you have a problem with anxiety. No that it is your "fault" in any way, but that you are the reason.

I was sexually abused as a child. Not in a "major" way--it was just an isolated incident with a family "friend." While I initially decided that that was the "reason" I was anxious, I've realized that it is not. I've known lots of other women who have been sexually abused--many "worse" than I was--and they've all reacted in different way: a friend of mine who was also abused as a child became very promiscuous, another friend of mind who was raped developed bulimia, and a college friend of mine who had been raped ended up being one of the most caring, psychologically healthy people I've ever known. The same holds true for friends I've had who were physcially abused: a high school friend of my was often violent, another got into drugs, and another was very quiet and depressed.

My point is that people respond to the events of their life in different ways. What happened to you is terrible, and my heart goes out to you, but it's not "why" you are anxious. You have problems with anxiety and despression because of how you reacted to what happened to you. I'm not saying that that is a bad thing--there are probably much more destructive and dangerous ways to react--or that it is in any way your "fault," but, if you had been a different person, anxiety and depression might not have been how you reacted.

It's important to remember that we can't ever change the past. It influences us, but it's gone. And so, regardless of the reasons for why you might be anxious or depressed, you can't fix those reasons. All you can do is work on your current reactions to the present.

As for forgiveness, don't beat yourself up for not forgiving very easily. That's okay. Personally, I found a great deal of peace (NOT an end to my anxiety, but a real sense of closure about what happened) when I decided that I didn't hate the person who had abused me. He did something terrible, but I am okay, and my holding onto anger or resentment was only hurting me. This is probably especially true for you, if you still see your mother. I know that I knew that I might occasionally run into the man who abused me, and, when I was angry and full of blame, the idea of that scared me terribly. But, now that I have forgiven him, I can see him, say hi if I have to, and move on, with no fear.

I tend to think of forgiveness not as something we "earn" (I mean, many times, there is just *no* way to make up for the things we've done), but as a gift. We give it to another person because we want to, and not because they've finally earned it. And, in my opinion, it's also a gift that we can give to ourselves. If you are not ready to forgive, that's fine; if you are never ready to forgive, that's okay, too. But it's important that you realize that you *deserve* a life free from anger and blame and hatred, and forgiving your mother might help you to achieve that.

One other thing that has helped me let go of anger and blame at the past: I focus on what I like about me. I don't enjoy being anxious, but there are a lot of really great things about me. I think that I am a good person and, even with the anxiety, I don't think I'd want to be anyone else. And, I am the reason I am who I am because of everything (even the bad things) that has happened to me. When I look at the past in that light--that it is all part of what shaped me--it's easier to find peace and even some gratitude. I mean, I know that, for me, I feel that the abuse experience is part of why I am a very compassionate and empathetic person. In that way, I am *grateful* for it (not to the person who did it--I'm not angry at him, but I'm not thankful to him, either, of course--but for the experience and what I learned from it). I'm sure that you gained a lot of very valuable things in your childhood--from your posts, you seem like a very kind, good person--and maybe if you focused on the lessons and positives you gained from it, you'd find it easier to make peace with it (even if you can't make peace with your mother).

Best of luck to you--
Lori

Andrew, Laura and Lori,
Thanks for your responses. I have been thinking all day about what you all have said. Andrew, you have a way of finding resources to help you think outside of the box...so to speak. I thank your for that and I admire you for that. I have not found those resources and I thank you for pointing those out. That is very helpful. I am really interested in getting the book a course in miracles. My first reaction was that maybe by being able to forgive for the things that a person may not have done it would be easier. But the more I thought about it...it is still hard. I am definately going to work on this. My anger with my mother, father, brother spills over to my husband a lot of the time...and occasionally even to my kids.

Laura,
I am seeing a therapist now that I think will be able to allow me to focus on my "inner child" after we get through some of the other stuff. I am hopeful. Thanks for your insight.

Lori,
I am so sorry that you were abused. It sounds like you have been able to reach a peaceful point with it and even find some positives about it. I have been able to see some positives as well. I am a very strong, independant person...a good person. Sometimes I beat myself up though and forget that. I took over the beatings when my mother was no longer there to do it for me. Thank you all for your thoughts. I hope that is the worst that I am compelled to write on this BB. I think that my childhood and my survival response to it is a primary cause of how I am today. I didn't know any other way to handle it. I didn't know how to change it to positive energy. I am learning now. I want better for myself and my daughters. Thank you all!! ~Flutterby

Andrew,
That does help. Everything that you and others have said helps. Thanks so much!! I will be working on this process. ~Flutterby

Dear Futterby:

It is so weird that it seems to be human nature to want a relationship with someone who craps on us just because we're related.

I used to ask myself, "Would I pick my parents as friends?" Heaven's no.

If you have any faith in God, a good thing that helped me was to pray for them. "God please bless my parents. They seem to be so miserable." Simple prayers or thoughts like that started to change my thinking about them. I think the forgive thing is a feeling. Some say it is a choice and as you said you thought you forgave and then crap comes back at you.

I work really hard every time my mother comes to visit to try to be compassionate. I used to put up the wall and then I asked myself, "What am I doing to keep this yucky feeling going?" I decided I was going to be better. I constantly have to self talk when in the presence of my mother. But the self talk and my trying to be better is much less stressful to me internally than it was when I put up the invisible wall. I would answer with quick short evasive answers. Always holding back and giving as little as possible. I also acted like I thought I was better than them. Once time my brother told me my parents walked on eggsells around me and that still rings in my mind and that was 17 years ago.

Your mother might feel unworthy of love and therefore sets up a situation with you that ensures that she isn't loved by you. It is very sick but people do it all the time unconsciencely. It could root back to her childhood or her divorce.



------------------
Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)
Happily Married Walton High (Volunteer) Mom.
Anyone from this area (females only), I would like to find a support person, and be a support person. Maybe meet and walk at school or the park or the Avenue. I get around, not housebound, but I still keep my problem a secret. You know, I look "IN CONTROL" but inside feel far from it.

EastCobb,
Thanks for your insight on this. I will try the self talk. I currently do put up a wall around my mother and I feel like I walk on eggshells around her. I am tired of doing that. I am also trying to control my "need" to tell her things. My therapist said that she is definately not a safe person for me. This last incident has left me feeling really low. (That could be from the new meds as well) I just think that it is so unfair and unnatural to have a mother that treats her only daughter this way. I hope and pray that I will never treat my daughters like this. Thanks once again. ~Flutterby

Dear Flutterby,

I may not be as evolved as some of the wonderful people who have supported you thus far-I'm still working on me.

You are a very strong person. You are a good and worthy person. Respect yourself and those are the 'vibes' you'll put out.

How about this perspective: Your mom is a child of God...let's let God help her. You will heal but it will take time and SOMEtimes there is benefit in staying away from the 'source' of pain until you've built up some resistance...? Work with your therapist on this-she sounds like she can help you.

I'm not sure that forgiveness is the real problem. I wonder if the real issue isn't that she has never acknowledged your pain nor really changed?

I don't know if this will help some time in the future...I had some of the same feelings toward my dad. I won't bore you with the details, but I was very very angry with him for a long time. Then he had the audacity to die before we had an adult relationship which may have brought some peace.

When I went through lesson 9 in the program, I had one of those light bulb moments...it occured to me that my dad hadn't grown up with such a great childhood either. I allowed myself to remember and feel all the stories I'd heard about his childhood experiences. The time that there was only an orange for chistmas and 25 cents to go down to the hardware store and buy one piece of train track-he had to go buy it himself. I remembered the beatings with a razor strop and whipping with a rose branch...I allowed myself to walk around in his heart...I looked at all the pain stacked up in there; I really looked. My need to punish, hear "I'm sorry," just melted.

I don't agree with the way my dad behaved at times-never will. But, I have been able to focus on the great things he taught me. For example, we always went on a family vacation. We didn't have an indoor bathroom but by golly we saw this great country. In 1954 I was standing on the edge of the grey,blue,purple...Badlands in South Dakota. It was hot! It was dusty and all I could see were buttes and grey dust - no path, no road...my dad knelt down beside me and said, "Sis, your forefathers WALKED across that." I still get tears in my eyes. He loved this land. He appreciated America and perhaps that's why I get a lump in my throat when the flag goes by and that's why I can't let myself get as cynical as some in the X-generation (my kids included) about our country.

Well, I guess I've gone on and on haven't I. My point-be patient yet again. Let yourself open to learning from others. There's no "bad luck" if you can't forgive just yet.

You've allowed your experience to change how you parent your youngsters--bravo!

Processing, Carolyn

P.S. Could you elevate someone to the position of "psudo-mom" ?

You may have to learn how to parent yourself- be able to give yourself what you would like from a healthy mother...If you need some suggestions, write to me. c/o Midwest Center.

Carolyn,
I am touched by your story. I can say that my mother had a very hard childhood. From that she became extremly focused on success but for her that meant money and material items. She let the important things go by the wayside.

I know that I should have some more compassion for her but I struggle with that. I can and have done hurt-full things to her (in the past) but I always feel bad about it and feel the need to apologize. She has never been able to admit any wrongdoing at all.

I think that is what bothers me the most and the fact that I cannot remember even one good time with her at all. I only remember the bad...I lived it for so long. I see how she can treat others good, treat them like kings and queens but she does not do that to her two oldest offspring. My brother suffers as well.

Thanks to everyone. I really do appreciate all of the responses that I have gotten to all of my posts. Between this, the program and everything else I am trying...I think that I about have anxiety licked but the depression is all consuming for me right now. I hardly have the desire to even come here. ~Flutterby