I think I have layers of negative self talk, on the top are harmless vague inuendoes of unfortunate nature, like: "that wasn't such a great evening" (after a really nice gathering of friends). Underneath that is: "They really do not care" (they are only being nice to me).
Underneath that: "Nobody cares!" etc.
This is really not the truth. It is an automatic, negative and self-destructive attack mechanism that I have allowed to live in myself to prevent me from enjoying life.

Hey,


That's something,I have to work on too.Thanks for bringing that to my attention.I think like that to myself often.

Meadowlark: Can you say what it is that you feel that would make you not worthy of enjoying life? If your negative thoughts are a habit you have had all your life or automatic, negative and self-destructive attacks as you mention to keep you from enjoying life, why do you WANT TO BE SAD ALWAYS? What happened in your life that you think you deserve to be unhappy?

I have had negative thoughts because I always blamed myself for things that went wrong. It was and many times yet when something goes wrong I say what did I do now. It was my fault. However, learning that many of the events in my life were not my fault, I was too young and had no control over the abuses and violations made on me I have come to understand more about boundaries and speaking up for myself.

An example I can share is the word beautiful. When I realized what that word triggered in me just about a month ago I looked in the mirror and for the first time I said "you look okay." I had never said that to myself before. I would always put myself together looked at myself and say thats the best its going to get today. I surprized myself when I said you look okay. But that has been a big step for me. Not a gigantic step but progress none the less. Hope to hear from you as to the WHY you say negative talk to yourself.

Sit-N-Spin let me know WHY you think you say negative things to yourself also. I think if we can get to the WHY we might be able to change those incorrect ways of thinking. Thanks for your posts. It is getting me thinking again.

Thanks for your input. You are so right. It comes down to asking why do we want to be sad?

I don't think any of us choose to be sad - I think we are sad because of our thoughts. Thoughts are because of our beliefs and our beliefs are learned. If they are learned, they can be un-learned, but we have to truly understand what they are and challenge them. I have the book called "Mind over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky that works on this very thing - it's more a workbook that forces you to do the work on challenging your thought patterns.

I know what you mean. I do the same thing!!! How do we fix it?

I'm going to think about that: why do I want to be so sad? I think partly I feel guilty at being too happy. There are so many sad, miserable people in the world -- what right do I have to be happy?

Also, I think I spend a lot of energy taking care of people. Like, I notice I have not posted my own entry. All I do is respond to other people's entries: running around trying to be helpful to people. It's scary to me to admit how anxious I am, how frequently; it's so hidden. I am a successful professional, well-liked, admired even by a lot of people; I have a daily meditation practice, a wonderful partner, blah blah blah. All true. Yet somehow beneath it all I feel unworthy. Socially, I always think other people have more to say, more right to take up verbal space.

I think I'm hiding, maybe. In my family, it didn't pay to be too visible -- then dad would start in on you. I learned to take care of other people and stay invisible myself. I sometimes think of myself as a geode: one of those rock formations that's beautiful on the inside, but looks very ordinary on the outside. I have a wonderful, rich inner life -- and then these periodic anxiety attacks (several times a week, sometimes several times a day). Maybe it's because I'm stifling myself?

Missouri Gal