But I think she needs help just as much as I do! She is very scared of mental disorders of any kind to the point at which she told me that if I was clinically depressed (I'm not yet), she would take the kids and leave me! Has anyone else crossed this hurdle yet?

Frustrated gamer

When I first had my anxiety attack, I did not understand this nor did my wife. My wife and I are divorced now and she says the beginning of the end was when I started with this anxiety/depression. Looking back she was not much help.

Fortunately, my husband has been pretty supportive. Although he doesn't understand what I am feeling, he wants to know how to help me. I do get afraid, though, that one day he will get tired of me and want to leave. But, on the other hand, didn't we vow "in SICKNESS and in health"? I hope that this program will help me, so I can be happier in my life and not put so much stress on my husband.

Its hard for our spouses to not be frightened by anxiety/depression....I mean we are the ones that have it and it scared the crap out of us.

But my best advice is to get your hands on the audio that Lucinda has its called Ill be there for you. It helps to let the people around us understand what we are going through and that this is not a mental disorder but an emotional overwhelming sensation. Stress happens to everyone but some of us just dont handle that stress in the best way....then we continue to scare ourselves with all our negative thinking and wham we are in the thick of panic and depression.

When we get married we get married to stay together through good and bad, sickness and health, wealth and poor, and all that good stuff in between. How shallow of your wife to say that she would take the kids and go if you should develop an illness or depression. Thats plain awful.

I will say that this program was just what I needed to find that real me that was inside. It gave me the skills I needed to change my attitude and live my life better.

You might want to think about some marriage counceling as well....if one of you are struggling with something it affects the marriage and so couceling can help put things into perspective....especially if there are children involved your dealing with thier futures as well....so start taking action to fix the problem instead of you blaming the spouse for not understanding and the spouse threatening to leave.

Good luck
PS....been married 16 years this August and have two kids so I have been in your shoes. Im not just speaking blindly here.
Dodger

I can relate to this completely. I didn't have anxiety or depression in my first marriage. I think it started because of it. My second husband thought I could just "snap out of it" and all would be better. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and because of his lack of understanding and my lack of desire to try to explain it to him, our marriage ended.

Now, I am working on my third marriage. My depression and anxiety is at an all time high and this husband doesn't understand it either. Early on in our relationship he swore he would be supportive and helpful and really try to understand what I go thru. He has gotten so wrapped up in his own life now, that for him to try to relate to my condition is asking way too much. He actually bought the program for me. Or should I say he ordered it. I ended up paying for it.

Bottom line...unless someone has experienced it, they don't understand it. They can try, they can offer encouragement and support but there is no way for them to feel what you feel or know what you know about it. There is no explanation for the thoughts and feelings of a person that goes thru what we do. I like to look at it as a dynamic issue... we just have to do the best we can and keep our feet moving. If we don't, we come to a standstill and that is not good for us, we know that.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Is your wife scared of disorders because she has one that she doesn't want to face?
I'd hate for you to get to the point where you were clinically depressed but didn't get the help you needed out of fear you were losing your marriage over it. Hopefully it won't get there, and I hope your wife's heart softens and she gives you the support you need. Until then, maybe this group can be of help to you. Good Luck!

My husband is not at all supportive about my anxiety. I am 55 years old and my very first anxiety attack was in January. My husband would just scream and yell at me. He'd tell me that I was crazy and that he was going to have me committed. He made things so much worse. I learned to leave the house when he got like that. I have a best friend who has been supportive and when I can I go visit her or one of my daughters. It is hard because the person I want to confide in and be there for me is him but he doesn't understand and is not capable of it right now. So I have had to find an alternative support system. I am feeling a little better now but I try not to complain to him even when I am feeling anxious. Try to find someone who you can talk to who will be supportive of you.

Hang in there
Debbe

How true. Going through anxiety and depression is hard but some much harder when your spouse is not there for support. The same goes for family. And I love the "just snap out of it" thinking as though none of us thought to try that! I was also older before this happened to me and the worst part was not having a clue what was wrong. After finding out the "whats" and "whys", it becomes easier to attack and beat....but some much more with the support of loved ones.

My first wife didn't understand what I was going through also. She would say "what are you freaked out about, there is nothing wrong". When she asked what the feelings were, and I said it was like a worst acid nightmare come true ( not that I have taken acid, just heard the stories!), she would say that that was just weird. Not a lot of support there.
My new wife is supportive, and it makes the world of difference.
Also, drinaldi, do you think that maybe your husband is a big part of your problems?
He sounds like a complete, dominating, overbearing ass. Do you really need that, or does he have some redemming quality that we don't know about?
My heart goes out to you.
Take care
Dave

Hey everyone. I know this is long, but please bare with me. I asked my husband over a week ago to read the section in chapter two for partners. Even went so far as to copy it for him and leave on kitchen table so he could read it when he had time or take it with him. Then I mentioned it the other day and his response was very negative, like "I haven't had time". The way I see it is that if your partner/spouce or relative really wanted to be supportive and they would try to participate when asked. Otherwise wouldn't it seem as though they are trying to hold you back. I've tried explaining to him what anxiety is and the fearful thoughts or problems that I have with it and his responses on several occations have been to belittle me or blow it off as no big deal. For example last weekend we were driving back from shopping and were on a two lane road that goes into a two laner to go up a hill. He was upset because we had been following someone who was doing under the limit so he attempted to pass on right. There was a car in front of him - the slow poke and another that decided to get on it on the left side of him. He gunned it more trying to squeeze into the left. He does this often especially when I'm having vertigo feelings. I stated out loud, "allright" meaning I'd had enough. He slammed on the breaks, turned at me, yelled at me and said for me to find another shouffer(sp) because he was tired of me critizing his driving. He turned my fear/anxiety into making is sound like poor him. It's my fault that some things make me panic and when I try to explain these situations to him he gets angry, has a temper tantrum and then doesn't talk to me for hours to days. This happens when we get into arguments as well, he twists things to make it seem like poor him, and I feel guilty and then my anxiety gets worse. Another example is at the peak of an attack a few years ago and I wasn't driving and was dragging myself out of bed to get to work. He would yell at me and say get your "a..s" in the truck, I'm leaving in 5 minutes. Not even caring about what was going on with me. Or would say, when I'd say he just didn't understand - he's say I'm living it, it's affecting my life to.. So what do I do? How do I handle this? I always end up feeling guilty. The doctor I see says that he goes to a child place and it's all about him. I don't know if I agree or not. Always makes me feel really sad and alone. He will even mention divorce over and over. Seems like I'm rambling but really frustrated as this anxiety/panic things makes me beholden to him to get me from point a and b. Or even worse that I can't get out because he's the best I can find. "Worry" that will never find another partner in life that will make me happy. Any ideas on how to get him to understand. I've been married 14 years.
Thanks in advance..

Traveler1,

I would suggest giving up on the idea that your husband is going to support you in your recovery. Accept it for what it is and move on with your own recovery, without him being emotionally supportive. It is harder, but it still is possible.

If hubby is going to overreact to road and highway situations you might want to close your eyes when he drives so you don't see what he is doing and don't suffer panic/anxiety. Or find someone else to drive you. When you have recovered enough to drive yourself then you won't have to bother with his antics any more.

I'd suggest seeking not to react to his behavior but to accept what is and try and get better on your own. Just "expect" him to overreact, get angry, yada, yada, yada, and seek to get on with the business of recovery. Try and let it go in one ear and out the other. Tell yourself, "What did I expect? Ofcourse he's going to respond the way he always has. The dufus." Lower your expectations of him. Comfort yourself. Say things like, "I am strong, I am committed to getting my life back. I am working at it daily. I accept who I am and where I am at. I don't need his support to feel better. I can and will feel better and it depends on no one but myself. Thank goodness I am learning skills to work out of this and recover. "

Sorry he is not supportive. It does hurt, been there to some degree. All I could do was get on with my recovery the best I could.

Our own self-esteem and self-worth can not be dependent upon anyone else and their behavior if we want to live lives of balanced healthy emotions. If it is dependent upon something outside of us, such as a spouse, our moods will be subject to their behavior and we will be on a roller coaster of emotions, none of it controlled by us. Without realizing it we have yielded control of our emotional stability to others and/or to circumstances. It doesn't work.

In time the program can help you develop healthy self esteem not dependent upon others' recognition of it and you will feel a lot better about yourself and your life.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Don57,

Don57,
Thanks for the encouraging thoughts. I was between laughter and tearful with you words. Laughter because seeing my explaination through someone elses eyes it really ironic. I know the things you said, but because I live it just didn't want to accept it and move on. So thank you for the insight it was inspirational.. The tearful part because I know what I need to do and it will be hard. I don't want to rely on someone else for emotional stability. I want to find out where "I" went. Got lost somewhere. Thanks again. How far are you in the program?

I have had it for about 8 years. I was very dependent upon others opinions for my own self worth and didn't realize the problem. It's the way I was since I was a child. Anger and unforgiveness were also a problem for me.

I hadn't worked in 7 years but was able to get back into the work force due to the program. I had to leave my work in late '06 due to ethical problems with management and haven't worked in 20 months. Not sure why. I know I've had some thinking problems, but nothing I've been aware of that really seemed to knock me on my butt. Am doing a lot better now since starting the program again about 2 weeks ago. Been working on my garage for a month. Hope to be looking for a job after I get it finished, either for someone else or self employment. I feel like I'm about 75 to 85%, but it would be nice to improve a little more. Hopefully the program will help me solve the mystery.

My wife is a great person, but.............. lol. There's never ever been much emotional support and she's not interested in the "partner" parts of the program. She likes me when I am up but not when I am down. Guess I'm not who she thought she was marrying. It works both ways. It's not that she's trying to hold me back. It's been a blessing in some ways. I don't look to her for emotional support, I look to myself. But, I seek to forgive perceived non-support. Holding grudges is self-destructive. It is like taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. I think my wife loves me. I left several times a few years ago, only to return the next day. I felt worthless to everybody and at times it got the best of me. Desperate people do desperate and stupid things at times.

I'm sorry your husband is acting the way he is. If it were me, I'd get pissed and determined to recover and leave the s.o.b. Then I'd get over being pissed but still be committed to work on recovering and leave the decision concerning him until I got a lot better. Anger at times is useful to motivate us. It's a sign we are being disrespected. It can be useful if channeled into your recovery and can aid you in becoming more indepedent emotionally.

It sounds like you have a sense of self and self-worth. The program can help you build more self-esteem and get you more in touch with you again.

My apologies for anything I said which may have hurt your feelings. I try to be understanding because I've had psychologists who weren't.

I can relate too. My husband does not understand and does not want too.I have also struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years,(half of my life)and with alcohol. With the lack of support and help with our kids and the house work I do get upset and more frustrated,anxious and emotional because I'm not hearing the things from him I want. But I understand now that he will never understand or get how serious my problems are,because he dosen't want to believe I am really doing and feeling as bad as I am. I have to accept this and realize I can't stress and worry about how I can make him understand me,I'm just wasting my energy and time!!!

What I'm doing is staying sober for me and dealing with the anxiety from other resources to help me. I can only rely on myself to go out and get the help I need and not worry if my husband gets it or not. I have to remind myself that he can't change me and I am the only one that can make the right choses to do what I got to do to be well!!!

Sorry that went on. Support groups and talking to others that can relate is the safest time when I feel I can be me!!! I realize the more i tell my husband the worse I feel and downwards from there. I want to depend to much on him emotionally and i can't do that. i need to do my best and not worry what my husband thinks,this gets me too depressed and anxiuos if I live my life depending on his mood,which I've always done(he has his moodynesss and lack of interest towards a lot of things I want for our marriage,kids,future,and other marriage stuff). Any ways what I'm saying is to keep ourselves from worrying on if our loved one will understand and try our best to look to people who know how hard this is and people who care about what were all going through and who offer support and encouragement. Thanks!!!!!
I want to that everyone for all their post and if it's positive or negative stuff if still helps to hear what we all deal with.

Lynne and Don,
Thanks again for the chat. It's been a few days since I've been on line due to work schedules but I appreciate the fact that I'm not alone and others are going throught similar things. I did a great job the other day of actually standing up for myself with him. I used to smoke. Quit about 4 years ago for medical reasons and never really craved to have another one. However, in Sept I went out with rotator cuff surgery and my husband had kidney stones removed and other family things were going on. All of a sudden I started craving cigs again. So started smoking again, quit again in Feb with an allergic reaction to the smoke. But can't shake the urge or need to puff every once in awhile. So, long story short I happened to ask for a puff of my husbands cig the other day and he had a major temportantrum about it. He threw a lit cig at me up over a railing and onto our deck. It upset me, so I yelled at him told him he was acting childish and to grow up. I picked up the cig, took a puff and threw the rest away. He was mad all night and next day. Just because I needed to speak with someone I spoke with my mom and she said it would have been the last time he did something like that. So does this constitute abusive behavior on his part, did I do something wrong other than pestering for a puff knowing I couldn't smoke a whole cigerrette or just something that I should just let go off. He has been in a better temperment after he got over "his moment".

This particular incident hasn't happened before, but others have which I've just let pass by. So my question is how do you know when it's you doing something wrong or when it's because of someone else? That external and internal stress thing. There are times when I can't seperate the two.

When I think about leaving, I get nervous, like there will never be anyone else. Then like you said Don, when I'm angry it's a great motivator. Just can't seem to make the decision. Scarred I guess.

Lynne: Good luck with staying sober. It's a tough hall, but you can do it.. Think of the kiddo's..

Have a great day...