I'm trying to get through lesson 2 and have a ton of notes. Something that seems to come up over and over is the feeling of being trapped.

I've had some pretty big things crumble because of my depression and anxiety. The last one was leaving my job in April.

I understand that it's the internal anxiety in reponse to external anxiety that makes things unbearable. I crawl inside myself because I don't know how to handle the conflict or overwhelming feelings. Then I immediately feel trapped and invoke the "fight or flight" response.

I resent how they insist that I choose to manifest this anxiety. I sure as hell am not trying to choose to!

For me, my last job was similar to the old story used often for abused women about the frog in the pan of water. When you're tossed into the cool water, you don't feel it heating up until it's too late. Then everyone wonders why you stayed so long or didn't do anything.

Work got exceedingly more stressful because I began feeling taken advantage of and wasn't able to stick up for myself. Task managing was never a problem until I started being watched. My office merged into a huge office where I was put in a cubicle across from a woman who nothing of my job, but found ways to keep track of my comings and goings, and making comments. At one point she has asked my boss for someone to help her with her work. I declined the invitation from my boss, and suddenly it was like a war...

I was being watched, she felt I had time to help her! She honestly started tattling on me - but she knew nothing about my job. If I was online, (computer screen pretty colors) I was obviously screwing off. If I laughed on the telephone - must be a personal call. Etc. My boss, rather than tell this woman to mind her own business, took it on to speak to me several times about these unattributed allegations, with nothing to back them up. No tasks that were wrong or unfinished. No details to what I was "in trouble" for. Being cornered and told these things was very hard for me to keep calm. Many times I would solemnly reply, then find the right words to say later and approach him.

Eventually it came down to a time when 'someone' reported that I had been seen on eBay. He said I was not managing my time well if that was the case. I admitted that yes, that morning I won an auction on eBay, so while I was eating a snack I went to paypal and paid for the item. There was always "websense" implemented there, it's not like you could surf auctions all day. I clicked for one block of time (10 mins) to go to auctions. That was it.

I didn't need time on this one, I was mad. He told me that in no circumstances was my behavior appropriate! I brought up the fact that many of the women in the office read magazines, play Solitaire or FreeCell on their computers, make personal phone calls, etc., during their breaks. He defended this, albeit weakly. I worked three 9 or 10 hour days per week. He actually told me that since I work part-time and those women don't that I wasn't privileged to breaks during the day. What? I couldn't believe it. I worked there for four years and just then found out I wasn't suppose to ever take a break the guy I guess would do anything to not have to confront the woman who was complaining about me.

Sorry this is so long! Well, trapped. When usually I felt trapped during his "disciplinary" crap, this time I went home feeling totally trapped in this job. After a manic night with no sleep I decided that was it. I had let the ridiculousness go too far (looking back). I didn't stand up for myself from the start, and now I was trapped. I recognized this feeling from the past, I wrote my notice and handed it in two days later.

He was stunned, lots of people were, and I felt this strange uplifting victory. Those next were the nicest two weeks I'd had there in four years.

But now I'm terrified to get another job. Scared of the same thing. Feeling trapped. Well, I'll just keep repeating myself if I keep typing. Thanks to anyone who actually read this

Hi ginamarie,

I can completely relate to your work anxieties. I have the same issue with feeling trapped and not knowing how to stand up for myself. It's difficult sometimes for me anyway, since I THINK up things that might happen to me IF. I am always WHAT IF this or WHAT if that.

I also feel like a victim because I am such a good employee that meets all my deadlines and exceeds work goals. I feel that maybe my supervisor takes advantage of that by giving me more or the "crap" work nobody else wants or is willing to do. Some might call it job security, but I'm starting to think if my mother hadn't told me to always do my best, I might be a more relaxed person who could let things go in one ear and out the other (I'll start by blaming her ;-). Maybe it's my military background, but as far as employment goes, I have always gone above and beyond and I think that learned behavior is my downfall. I'll find my confidence, but I think it will involve retraining my mind, chilling way the heck out, and worry about things that are truly important. Papa said "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff". I try to keep this in mind when I panic at work.

My family is truly what's important and is not replaceable; my job is replaceable, but I wouldn't walk off it again. No way; my wife freaked out on me, but we came through OK and so will you. These things have a way of working out and who knows, maybe you'll land a job in a healthier work enviornment with a great boss? Sometimes the grass is greener..for awhile at least!

Right now I'm just debating seeing a doctor and getting medication to help me settle down, but I'm reading Lucinda's book and learning to self-talk through this. We'll see. Thanks for sharing!

Thums up for quitting! but you have to be assertive. My dad works for me and he likes to get a rise out of me and finally I had it and i spoke up, I felt energized, I never stick up for myself and the last few months I have and my stress level is Down. Try it! It's hard at first but it gets easier and people i think respect us more.
Cricket

Thank you, and I know what you mean about being assertive. My self-esteem is awful right now. I'm on tape 3 - negative self talk. I grumbled all the way through the tape I have to get my self back. It's taken years to erode my self image, and I'm ashamed of myself for letting it happen, which doesn't help either. I need to get back on my feet again!

I used to work FOR my parents! Now that was pretty rough to be assertive too

Good job for taking a stand with your dad, that must've been hard.