For some time now I have felt this urge to do everything for everone else...leaving very little to no time for myself. I really get upset with myself and I need all of you advice as soon as you read this. I can't stop thinking that every person in my life hates me and that they will eventually leave me. Then the panic attack comes. I want to be peacefull. I am so sick of crying because I am scared. I can't even get my homework done most days. I just want to live with my familly and be happy. Anytime any person gives me anyone points out a mistake that I have made I totally take it to heart and I am so scared that it will cost me my realationship. I keep thinking that when I think these thoughts that it is just the anxiety talking but then I start to get confuesed at the difference between anxiety and my overactive emotional imagination playing tricks on me. I just want to have a happy life and I can't stop these feelings and I want them gone now. I just want some much for myself and this is no life to live, not when you have so many wonderful caring atributes...I guess I should tell that to the negative thoughts I have everytime something good happens in my life. I am going to be getting married which is probly the best thing that has happened to me since I was a child. I went through a lot growing up and I think that the anxiety totally stems from the iner fears of my childhood. When I was 16 my brother tried to kill me with a 30 ot 6. We went to court over it and he had my parents in his corner and I had myself. I was the one who got everyone up in the morning and then had to put my mother side on and get them ready. After I went to school and did all that I came home and made dinner and cleaned house like a mother would. Don't get me wrong my whole life isn't negative I moved out of the house after my brother pulled the gun on me. I realized that they took all that I did for them and totally through it in the garbage. I was made the vixen in something that I was the victim of. There is so much more but I can't let it all out because I am crying to hard. I just want to stop and be whole again. Someplace in that house my sainity remains. I want to be so much for my knew familly and show them so much good that the world has to offer. I just want to be a person who can show the world how great life can be if you just embrace it. My soon to be husband thinks that I am crazy because I want to "save the world" but I am not crazy at all. I just went through a lot as a child and young adult and I want people to see that life is just the key to what our soul is to unlock. I have so much to give...

totallycaring

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It is nice of you to want to help people especially your family. When one helps others it is better that help is given without expecting anything in return.

However people like us may take things a bit too far simply because we want so much to please others. We appointed ourselves slaves to serve every human beings whether they deserve it or not. Why do we do it? Simple reason. We want acceptance and approval from people. Since we depend on others so much to approve of us, little realising that approval does not and will never come from others, we end up stressing ourselves to the max. Do you know why the terms like self-respect, self worth, self esteem has the word self there? It is because it is up to us to give ourselves respect, esteem and worth. Not your mother, brother, husband, boss, friends etc. When we do not want approval/praise/sense of worth etc from someone, we feel at peace with that person and with ourselves.

We will never get all that from the outside that is for sure. Never. This is because it was never meant to be coming from others. It is meant to be coming from you. Only you can give yourself the consistent approval no matter how many mistakes you make. Oh yes we are afraid of making mistakes and being found out. It is as though we will be sent to jail immediately or something drastic like that. Or looking bad in front of people is the worst thing that could happen. Even after 5 years, I still have that niggling feeling of looking good in front of others AT ALL COST but it is not as important as before. Feelings of people judging us all the time, trying so hard to please, afraid of making mistakes because we will look bad in front of others are classic and unique to us agoraphobics. It is a classic case of a phobia.

We are not here to change the world. We are here to change ourselves, to heal our reactions to what has happened. We are also here to create. You mentioned overactive imagination. That very same imagination can bring you happiness in pursuing your dreams too, helping you create a emotionally stable you day by day. So it is not a bad thing to have an overactive imagination. It helps us to be creative in work, our lives etc.

I believe that some people are toxic to our well being. Your brother crossed the line. He went too far by acting rashly and irresponsible. What possess him to pull out a gun on you?? I guess that does not matter now that you are starting a new life away from them.

Lack of support from your family does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It just shows that your family has not responded well to the crisis that has happened and it up to you to find your own way.

You definitely have guts and you did stand up for yourself. You said.....
"I moved out of the house after my brother pulled the gun on me"
"We went to court over it and he had my parents in his corner and I had myself"
Well i guess you had to learn early that we are the only ones we can truly depend on when others around us are so unfair and cannot be trusted. It is not a lonely place as we all thought at first. With our imagination, we can make it an interesting place to be.

I have a feeling you will find your way in this world. After all isn't that what all of us are doing?

You have positive thoughts too like
"I just want to be a person who can show the world how great life can be if you just embrace it."
"I just went through a lot as a child and young adult and I want people to see that life is just the key to what our soul is to unlock. I have so much to give..."

I think that is an excellent start.

quote:

Originally posted by samantha:
It is nice of you to want to help people especially your family. When one helps others it is better that help is given without expecting anything in return.

However people like us may take things a bit too far simply because we want so much to please others. We appointed ourselves slaves to serve every human beings whether they deserve it or not. Why do we do it? Simple reason. We want acceptance and approval from people. Since we depend on others so much to approve of us, little realising that approval does not and will never come from others, we end up stressing ourselves to the max. Do you know why the terms like self-respect, self worth, self esteem has the word self there? It is because it is up to us to give ourselves respect, esteem and worth. Not your mother, brother, husband, boss, friends etc. When we do not want approval/praise/sense of worth etc from someone, we feel at peace with that person and with ourselves.

We will never get all that from the outside that is for sure. Never. This is because it was never meant to be coming from others. It is meant to be coming from you. Only you can give yourself the consistent approval no matter how many mistakes you make. Oh yes we are afraid of making mistakes and being found out. It is as though we will be sent to jail immediately or something drastic like that. Or looking bad in front of people is the worst thing that could happen. Even after 5 years, I still have that niggling feeling of looking good in front of others AT ALL COST but it is not as important as before. Feelings of people judging us all the time, trying so hard to please, afraid of making mistakes because we will look bad in front of others are classic and unique to us agoraphobics. It is a classic case of a phobia.

We are not here to change the world. We are here to change ourselves, to heal our reactions to what has happened. We are also here to create. You mentioned overactive imagination. That very same imagination can bring you happiness in pursuing your dreams too, helping you create a emotionally stable you day by day. So it is not a bad thing to have an overactive imagination. It helps us to be creative in work, our lives etc.

I believe that some people are toxic to our well being. Your brother crossed the line. He went too far by acting rashly and irresponsible. What possess him to pull out a gun on you?? I guess that does not matter now that you are starting a new life away from them.

Lack of support from your family does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It just shows that your family has not responded well to the crisis that has happened and it up to you to find your own way.

You definitely have guts and you did stand up for yourself. You said.....
"I moved out of the house after my brother pulled the gun on me"
"We went to court over it and he had my parents in his corner and I had myself"
Well i guess you had to learn early that we are the only ones we can truly depend on when others around us are so unfair and cannot be trusted. It is not a lonely place as we all thought at first. With our imagination, we can make it an interesting place to be.

I have a feeling you will find your way in this world. After all isn't that what all of us are doing?

You have positive thoughts too like
"I just want to be a person who can show the world how great life can be if you just embrace it."
"I just went through a lot as a child and young adult and I want people to see that life is just the key to what our soul is to unlock. I have so much to give..."

I think that is an excellent start.

Wow! Thank - you. And that is all that I have to say because you have said it all...I really appreciate the support

You are a great person as well for giving me that little bit of strength through your support... Thanks.