My very significant other lives 3 hours away in a home we own together. I was going to move there when we bought it but my job situation is not moveable and I am to old to start over. She wants marriage but is not willing to move to my area due to church and kids, her work is very portable and she has no long term job tenure. I am the supporting income but her attitude is very rigid and stubborn. This has given me a great deal of anxiety as I struggle with the decision to let her go or try to hang on in hope she will change her mind over time. I have broken off the engagement several times but still want to be with her. She has now decided I have become untrustworthy due to my change of mind. How do you make this kind of decision? The anxiety and anger I feel is really affecting me and our relationship is at its lowest point.

Hi,

I think that yes you are in a tough spot. It may help to talk to someone to get clarity on what you really want and what's important to you. Are you sure that you can't do your job in this other area? Just a question. Her stubborness has kind of put the ball in your court and I think its best to talk to a counselor to work out your feelings if you chose to end the relationship. It will all work out for the best. Keep breathing!

Hi,
Thanks for your input, I have actually seen a counselor about this and discussed how to determine what I want. I also applied for a job in the area at companies similar to those I work for but they did not make any offers, it is a very specific job that I do and limited options in any geographic area. The program is helpful and I will survive this. Thank you again.

quote:

Originally posted by diva:
Hi,

I think that yes you are in a tough spot. It may help to talk to someone to get clarity on what you really want and what's important to you. Are you sure that you can't do your job in this other area? Just a question. Her stubborness has kind of put the ball in your court and I think its best to talk to a counselor to work out your feelings if you chose to end the relationship. It will all work out for the best. Keep breathing!

ron,
the decision that you make is not an easy one.if you had been in a marriage before i would understand more of what you were going through.someone has to make a sacrifice and has to move to anothr city to get what each wants.thanks good ness my wife and i were on the same sheet of music when we met and moved to where we are now.you just have to give it some thought since you have a job there and she has one where she lives. she has to trust you in order for it to work.if she does not trust you now. will she trust you later.i wish you the best and hope that this helps. it might help if you read my profile.take care and my prayer is that things will work out for the best.
don

Hi D.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I was married for 8 years but it ended 24 years ago after she met another. I now know why she left but it is only a recent discovery that I suffer with over worry and this anxiety and depression. I did not know it was any other way. My current relationship is best described as high risk, she has been married 3 times and we first met when she was married and looking for attention. I was wrong to get involved and I guess in some way am paying the price now.

Ron,
Im sorry you are having to go through this, and im sorry your relationship is at a crossroads.
Dont beat yourself up over it, but sometimes we have hard decisions to make..
If you really love each other, there can be a solution, if you are BOTH willing to work on it.
Im not sure you made a mistake , if you both love each other, but if neither of you are willing to comprimise, then a solution is harder to come up with... I do wish you both Well

Hi,
I can kind of understand your situation for I myself am in the same spot only I'm 19 years old and my fiance lives about four hours away from here and she's only 17 years old, I get to see her once every month and when she turns 18 and graduates high skool, she's supposed to be moving in my apartmen with me so I won't be so lonely and miss her so much, we've been together almost two years now and I have been informed just three days ago that we might have to wait another year for her to move down with me. She says its my choice whether I'd wait that long for her or not, but you have no idea how much effort and time I spent into our relationship, she is a very hard person to gain trust from and she puts up walls because she's afraid of being hurt but even that gets frustrating sometimes but I'm willing to go through all that for her, sure...it will be hard if it comes down to waiting another year for her to be with me...I want to be with her, I really do, but could I really handle being alone in that apartment for a year?

Ska8er -

Please don't think that I'm being judgmental, because I don't mean to be, but this might come out like that...

Maybe you should address your issues with being alone before you launch into a relationship (a more one on one every day relationship...I know you already have one with her, but moving in together would be a much bigger thing). You said she's moving into your apartment so that YOU won't be lonely and miss her so much. That just seemed to be a telling statement to me that maybe you needed to address your needs and issues before you encompass her in them on a day to day basis.

Like I said, please don't think that I'm pointing a finger or anything...I was 17 when I moved out and in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband of 20+ years!), but I was the one with the "can't be alone" issues and it has taken me this long to even begin to deal with them. If I hadn't been blessed with such a patient man - this relationship would have gone down the tubes a LONG time ago.

I wish you all the best...how far are you along in the program?

Dawn

Hi Ron,
Sounds like your lady is putting her kids needs first. Many people feel this is the right thing to do. I happen to believe that each situation calls for a close examination of what will benefit everyone. Church and school are great for a family, but you aren't even a "family" since you live 3 hours away! Your lady should consider your needs and flex a little to accomodate everyone involved. HOpe things get better.

Ron.. I can actually put some inputin this first had. I am ingaged to a gentleman who works 100 miles away. I met him through eharmony. I lived 60 miles away fom where he lived.. which is 100 miles away. complicated I know. We dated for a year and saw each other only on the weekends. He is a widower and I a divorcee. We have a wonderful relationship..on the weekends. It got to the point where we missed each other the minute he left my town, or I left his. So we decided on me moving in with him. I agreed, at least we had more time on the weekends. And when I didn't have a job, I would drive up and stay with him on Fridays and go to dinner and spend the night. So our relationship has worded forgoing on three years. He, like you has looked for work closer to home, he hates being away, and hates Monday mornings when he has to leave. He is up for retirement n a few years, and we talk a lot about that. I am faithful to him, and vice versa. I don't tknow if this hlps any, but our relationship is working this way. A lot of people ask how, not seeing each other. We talk a lot on cell phones. And the times we spend together is quality time. I guess we truely love each other.. we must. I guess you and your lady just have to sit down and discuss what is going on. You have to let her in on what is troubling you, that may help you also. I hope this helps some.

Ron,
I have to be honest here....I am also a woman who has been married three times. I made two apparently bad choices (cheaters). I am keeping the third one! Since I have been there know that I am not holding that against this woman, you must explore what has happened in those past relationships though. She clearly either isn't going to bend or isn't trusting you enough to make the move herself. If she isn't bending are you always going to be the one who bends until you break in this relationship? If it is a trust issue perhaps that needs addressed. I know first hand the amount of baggage one can acquire from two failed marriages and she's had three. You end up not trusting your partner or even your own judgment. This seems to be a very complex situation. This is your life and you deserve to be happy with someone who truly loves and trusts you. I think maybe you should step back and examine this logically. Maybe she isn't a risk taker or something. There is clearly something stopping her and you are left to do all the bending. Compromise is not one person bending until they break. Don't fool yourself into thinking it is your job to do all the compromising. It's not. Please use caution here as I just get the feeling you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Take it from someone who has walked in the divorced woman's shoes...something is telling me she isn't ready for this.