I know there isn't really any advice anyone can give me for this problem. The only thing you can really do for an awkward silence is talk right!? But there are so many times when I feel like the words just don't come to me. Like when I am on the phone with friends or family memebers, I find myself stumbling over words, and hesitating, and at a loss of words. Even with my boyfriend, I often have nothing to say. But how can that be? Shouldn't I have at least something to say to my boyfriend? I'm so worried that he's going to one day realize how horribly boring I am and dump me, and tell everyone that being with me was so boring. I feel like his family secretly hates me because of how boring and shy and awkward I am. I feel like I'm messing up their perfect family because they're all so outgoing and funny, and I'm this meek little mouse of a girl, too afraid to say a word, and when I do it comes out funny. I'm afraid of bumping into acquaintances in public places and having nothing to say to them. I never know how to exit conversations gracefully, i feel like I always seem so awkward. I hate being stuck in elevators with people, especially acquaintances, I feel like I won't have anything to say, or I will say something stupid. When I'm single I never date because I dread the phone conversations and awkward silences on dates. I just feel like I'm so deathly boring! I don;t know how to change that. I never have any exciting stories to tell, and even if I did i wouldn't tell them properly. I always stumble and stammer when I speak, I'm so hesitant I feel like people get annoyed with me when I open my mouth. I feel like my friends don't really like hanging out with me, i feel like they all talk about how boring I am behind my back. I sound soooooo pathetic!! OMG, why can't I just think positively and get over it? If I think I'm boring I'm gonna be boring. Uggghhhhm i hate feeling like this, can anyone relate?

Dear Randy,

I don't know if you have the program or not...if you do, as you go through the lessons you will begin to feel more confident. As one learns to think and speak in more positive ways you begin to like how it makes you feel and you will want to continue thinking and living in the positive.

you assign all these negative feelings about you on his family and others...when in reality this is a reflection of how YOU feel about YOU.

There are several books on the subject...how about starting with, BEYOND SHYNESS. Let me know what you think of the book.

You are a good and worthy person.

When there is an awkward silence...let it be. You are not in charge of all the silences! :0)

Carolyn

Thank-you Carolyn for your response. No I don't have the program, but I am strongly considering purchasing it. I know that I project my feelings about myself onto others, and then I just assume that's how they perceive me. I know I have to stop doing that. I'm going to look into getting that book. My problem is so upseeting to me though, that I'm embarrassed to tell anyone about it, so if I had a book like that I would be afraid someone would find it! I know that sounds absurd, if I want to get over this problem I have to deal with it, and part of that is probably opening up to others about it. Anyway, thank-you for your advice and words of encouragement. I will let you know how I'm doing later on if I decide to get the book.

Hey Randy,

I have felt EVERYTHING you're writing to some degree, and the thing is, I think that most people do, too. I know what it's like to feel like you're boring or that everyone else is able to make great conversation or that people don't really like you and are just hanging arond you to be nice. So don't worry -- you aren't alone! I really do think that most people feel insecure or awkward; some just hide it better than others. I know some friends who are totally outgoing and always have the best stories to tell at parties; they admit that they're often really afraid of those situations too, but they've learned to just sort of "forget" themselves or pretend like they're another person. Which sounds sort of weird, but hopefully you understand And those people that are flirty/obnoxious/loud and seem to get all the attention in social situations? I really wouldn't WANT to be like that, even though I'm sort of envious at times. There are more people out there that feel like you do than those that are able to be flirty/obnoxious/loud and not think twice. I think it just comes down to an issue of severity and how your social anxiety or whatever you'd like to call it interferes with your life.

I also recommend the program to help build up some confidence and self-esteem. You'll realize you're not alone with feelings of anxiety and worrying about what other people will think and trying to please everyone -- and that alone is really comforting. I know the price tag seems sort of steep at first, but it's totally worth it.

Have you thought about counseling? I've being seeing a counselor for about a month now and it's been really helpful. They usually have some tips or strategies for increasing confidence, etc.

I'd also recommend exploring what you really love to do -- what are you passionate about, what makes you happy? It may sound corny, but take those passions and dig in, do it, build yourself up that way. Music is really important to me and I find I feel so much more confident if I just go practice the piano for an hour or something.

I think all of this is also an issue of maturity and time. I'm 20 and I know I feel much more confident about myself now than I did even a year ago. I think you just finally say "eh, forget you all, I'm just fine the way I am, and if you have a problem with that, it's your issue and not mine." I also find it helpful to read about really individualistic people and how they lived their lives. It's inspiring to me how individuals can have a vision and see it through, no matter what everyone else thinks about them.

One last thing: I've learned that honestly, people are self-consumed, and they probably really don't care about as much about me as I think they do. When I start worrying about what somebody thinks about me, I try to counter it with: you know what, they probably AREN'T even thinking about me, I'm sure they have enough problems of their own. And what if they are -- so what? What's the worst thing that could happen? Not everyone is going to like me, and if they don't -- hey, it's their loss.

Just saying stuff like that can help (positive self dialogue, whoo!) Anyway, hope this reply helps -- don't worry, you aren't alone. Good luck!!