ok so i did it. today after work. YES I DID. i put my dog, pony, in the car and drove down to the park, actually got out of my car, and pony and i walked ALONE. just the two of us.

of course, it must be noted that i stopped at a friend's house and begged, grovelled for her to come sit in the car and wait for us while we walked. she's known me for about forever and did not hesitate to say NO I'M TIRED. however, she did say she wouldn't get in her hot tub until i was back in the car and headed home from the park. and that i would be FINE. i was.

my goal was to walk the entire nature trail. i didn't. and guess what, that's ok. i walked about one-third of the way around, then turned and walked back to the top of the trail. when i got to the top, pony and i walked about one-quarter of the way down that side. again, that's ok.

when we first started out, i saw a nice "normal" looking couple walking and told them i have extreme panic attacks and if they found me "snapped" somewhere along the trail, would they stay with me until i called my friend to collect me. i was laughing. they were startled at both my request and my candor. but they said yes. i saw them on the way back and they asked if i was ok. i said yep, i just have no stamina.

tomorrow when pony and i walk, maybe we'll go further. maybe reach the halfway point. who knows. but the best thing - the best part is that not too long ago i couldn't even DRIVE to the park alone. and today, i not only drove to the park alone - i LEFT my car and walked with my dog - ALONE.

how do i feel right now? like i've climbed the highest mountain. like i'm a rock star with fans wanting my autograph.

and know something extremely strange, bizarre, odd? i really had no anxiety. i just felt good, safe, happy, SANE, things like that. i WANTED to walk ALONE. and i did it.

i ramble when i write. sometimes i just have so much to say.

karma

Congratulations! What a great way to take care of yourself! You didn't let obstacles stop you, you asked for help, and you ended up having a good time. You rock!

Julie,

Thank you so much. Me and Pony have walked ever night this week. Pony was so excited to go last night, we went to the park before my friends got there. I called to tell them I was going on ahead without them. And it was wonderful. Me and Pony did the whole mile through the woods with no problems, no anxiety. The only feeling was one of freedom. And it was wonderful.

Afterwards, me and Pony went to the grocery store ALONE. I went in and bought dog food - ALONE. Once I couldn't get to that store with someone else driving. Now I drive alone and go in alone. That's the second time I've actually stood in line ALONE - with no one waiting for me in the car.

The key to the plot of this stuff and nonsense - this horror - terror - fear - the list goes on and on and on - is listening to the tapes/CD's. And practice, practice, practice.

I'm thinking Pony could write a doctoral thesis on what it's like to live with someone recovering from this! LOL

Karma

I think this is so wonderful for you! You are doing so well and I am proud of you. Keep it up!

Angela

Karma,
thats EXCELLANT!!! Pat yourself on the back girl!! whether u walked a block or a mile , its a success, write it down all the great things you are doing and keep doing them. Even if its a little uncomfortable at times, keep pushing. Keep on keeping on!!!Nelly

I went to the King House Chinese restaurant this afternoon. I knew I was going to have trouble. I was overly hungry. I know better than to not eat. Throw in I have a bit of a virus and don’t feel great. Anyway, when I was standing at the counter waiting for my takeout – I’d called it in – the sweaty palms got worse and I started “What if-ing.” I love those symptoms. Of course the main question was HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME IF I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK? The people behind the counter are Chinese – they’d have no clue I was telling them I was going mad. There were a few Mexican people sitting at a table. I don’t speak Spanish. Actually, the only language I do speak is Southern.

So I stood there WAITING. I watched the guys working. I knew the people at the table were looking and laughing about Pony sitting in the front seat of the car – he likes to pretend he’s driving.

Then the EPIPHANY hit. How am I going to get home? Well, duh, I guess the same way I got here. I’m going to eventually get in my car and drive myself home – AFTER I pick up my takeout. And IF I go hopelessly insane, at least I’ll have seafood pan fried noodles to eat while I’m waiting on the men in the white coats to come collect me for “the home.”

And guess what? The symptoms somewhat abated. I didn’t panic OR go insane. Instead, I waited, got my food, drove home, and ate while watching the end of “The Story of Us.”

I’m the same person – only different, if that makes any sense – that not too long ago sent people to the King House Chinese restaurant to get the takeout because I’d get so nervous.

I’m becoming a Beatles song … I’ve got to admit it’s getting better, getting better all the time …

Karma

Hey there Karmaberry I just think you are doing great I just love to hear the way you put things together in your story. I think I just love southern ppl so well. I hope you can keep giving us an up-date. I Went to get my hair cut off today yes, it just hit me so I did it.I can remeber when that was the worst thing but, any way I had been saving my hair to sent to locks of love. So I am so happy to get that hair cut aaahh. Keep looking up it is working for you.

Thank you so much Teresa. And you! Wow. You sat through a haircut. That's wonderful. I love that you gave your hair to locks of love. What an incredibly loving thing to do for another. That speaks so much of you.

Me and Pony did another walk tonight. He loves going so much that he runs from side to side in the car and whines on the way there. I drive a Mazda Protege so it's a tight fit. If he were a small dog that would be one thing. But he's a big dog - about 80 pounds of pure black fenetic energy.

My plan for tomorrow is to "work" the grocery store. I need cereal and milk - things like that. Going into the grocery store is not an easy thing for me. So I'll practice and practice and practice. And eventually it will become easier and easier.

This is the neatest thing about feeling better. It's fun. I'm actually having fun. The practicing is getting out - seeing people - doing things - actually getting on with MY life. And going it alone - well that's the most fun about it all.

I do have to say though - because to not say it is omitting a big truth - I have my cell phone with me when I practice. And I do prefer it when my friends who live close by are home. That gives me comfort and gives me a sense of safety - although everyone was at work today when I went for the Chinese takeout and lived and remained sane.

Ok, now I have to ask. How long are the locks you are donating? And how short is your hair now?

Karma

Karma ..I am so sorry I haven`t gotten back here in a while but, I am so happy to hear that you are getting to do the things you like againe. It really does work I can remember saying hey this is just not my problem Hehee But it is so good to have looked and found the truth .The truth that sets us free once more. My hair was long I cut about 12 '' they like 10'' or more now my hair is barely down to my lower part of my neck .Oh I hope to have it longer a little bit againe , by next summer it will . I hope you and Pony are having a real good day those are just the ones that keep us going. Take care down there in that wonderful south ,me up here well we are tring to keep warm and telling the truth. No more negative just the truth . Teresa

oh honey,

for whatever reason, things just keep getting better and better. i'm now able to go to the park and NOT call my friends to ask them to be available for backup in case i go insane.

i'm going to the grocery store alone. and not getting strange or anything. well at least not any "stranger" than i already am. and the dry cleaners. things that were once impossible.

i'm so incredibly happy right now. i have trouble with the Christmas holidays. i always have. don't know why, don't even want to understand or know why. but for now, i'm happy.

i've actually started dating. and i tell whoever it is that is interested in my about my panic attacks - right up front. and that i'm in a recovery phase. if that bothers them, then i don't want or need them in my life. that's something i really HEARD on one of lucinda's tapes. when her husband said that if someone doesn't, can't, won't try to understand do you really want them in your world? wow, it rocked my world. i shared what i posted in this forum on my recovery with 2 very nice men. it doesn't seem to have affected them in how they feel about me.

yes, of course, i'm still very limited. and don't really want to go super far away from home with anyone right now. but we walk in the park with pony. watch movies here at my house. go to dinner. and it's wonderful.

so yes, right now i'm happy with who i am, how i am. and every day it just gets better.

i ramble on more than anybody in the entire world - and never, ever mean to!

karma