I'm writing this note here sitting at my laptop after spending awhile contemplating things and figuring things out with my knew knowledge. To understand what i mean by past ending and future starting you must understand who i was.

I used to be the happiest child, I was very expressive and confident and with some people very compassionate and helpful, I did however have my faults and wasn't the "nicest" kid to others. I used to bully some people and be so critical of their mistakes and diffrences. Never-the-less I was happy with life and I didn't really have to many cares.

My family and I moved up north to Haliburton which was the exact opposite of what i was used to in Richmond Hill. I didn't have the same power over others that i did back in my other school and things started to change after I got a taste of what i was dishing out, and thus the meaning of guilt was born to me. This feeling was aweful and I felt so ashamed of all the times i had hurt others. I felt it absolutely necessary at all costs to not ever hurt another person ever again. The problem with that is, I felt bad if the other person was hurt directly or indirectly by what i said or did, even if it wasn't in my power or the hurt was created by the other person's distorted perception.

I spent many years thinking about my life and came to realize many things about myself, my upbringing, & my family. Emotionally i was messed up! I knew that i had made alot of people upset but didn't know why. I also came to realize that I was sexually abused by someone close. I had no idea what to do but the thoughts came up over and over again. Everyday felt like hell and I was not sure who I could trust, hell I wasn't even sure about my sexuality. I wanted to resolve these problems but i did not know how.

Eventually my enthusiasm, joy, compassion and confidence vanished and things looked bleak. Many people tried to help me out but how did i know who to trust and how could anybody understand my situation if i couldn't verbalize it? My motivation to do things decreased, I could barely function and nobody could get through to me. I hated life and mostly everybody in it. I realize now that there were many people around me that really truely wanted to help me out but I could not see this and was very much convinced that nobody cared. This wasn't actually the case.

Years and years went by and i stayed in this Depressed state that i had created and all i could think about or talk about was my "baggage". I ended up pushing away many people just trying to figure out how to fix my life. I was given many suggestions and kept shutting them down right away as I was completely convinced that they wouldn't work or the person was completely wrong. It was very realistic for people to get discouraged and be less interested in spending any time with me. It wasn't my intention to bring people down nor was it something i could help but it happened. The resentment and negative focus cost me many friends, my happiness, creativity, time, money and even my career.

Eventually I was drawn to my first self-help program one night at a hotel room i went to on the anniversary of my mother's death. I started to develop the skills to overcome the state i had gotten myself into and I spent the last 5 years on and off with diffrent self-help programs and such.

Recently a friend of mine lent me a book called Feeling Good. Through this book and the knowledge from this and other programs, i was able to see through my distorted irrational thoughts and I finally realized what i had done to others. Despite my rule that i shouldn't hurt others, I was hurting others by the negative ways i was talking about myself and life. It wasn't something I could really help but it happened and I regret all the time I have wasted and the people i have pushed away.

Finally, after 14 years living in this "hell" I am starting to see things more clearer and I'm letting who i was go as it isn't really beneficial to anybody and doesn't help in any part of my life. It is really just a huge burden that I do not need and I am not willing to trade any more moments of happiness and joy for moments of misery and resentment. I am not a master at this new way of thinking and there may be some times when i fall back but I am progressing and growing. I am really starting to experience these positive feelings of compassion and caring and worth. Before I was only really able to think of myself but now, I'm starting to really think, care and appreciate the other people in my life. Friend's, strangers and even people that don't particularly like me.

The old me is dying and will soon be gone with the new me arising. Many things are about to change in my life including the way i communicate, the people i associate with, the way I look and the activities I engage in to name a few. I know this may take awhile to get used to and there may even be people who may not like the new me. I'm ok with that, take the time you need or if you can't adapt then maybe it would be best to not associate with me anymore.


Mike

Mike,

I'm very happy that you've moved forward in you life, in-spite of things that happened to you. You're an inelligant person with a lot to offer the world. Please take satisfaction in the fact that at times you have helped me with my own journey from darkness.

Bill

Mike, thanks so much for sharing that.
I am so happy that you are walking toward the light and are feeling better.
I've enjoyed reading your posts and observing your progress.
I can sense your compassion and know that you feel deeply.
I wish you so much joy as you travel the path of learning and experience.
Congratualtions on your newfound peace, the New You!
MaryJane

Awe, thanks guys. Yes there were many times where i was overwhelmed with what i endured and there were many times i didn't make it but I'm thinking maybe those negative things were what got me to where i am now. Who would i be if i didn't undergo all these struggles? Would i be as compassionate?

I am very glad that you have gained and utilized some of the things i've picked up along my journey. I really enjoy to share things that I feel really strongly about so i'm not the only person who benefits. I'd like to maximize the benefits not only for myself but others as well.

I am walking toward the light eh? I'm feeling alot better then i was but i definately still have a ways to go, you never really reach the end of anxiety & depression but rather become better and better at overcoming and preventing it. Ah you've been observing my progress? How did i do? :P I knew there were some people checking out my posts and making comments i didn't know people were observing my progress, i'm flattered.

I'm still going to continue to post, so you can keep enjoying my posts actually i'm about to put one up that is really good. I'm typing it word for word from this one book and of course giving credit, i'm sure you'll find it as useful as i have.

Mike

Mike...I am sorry you have experienced sooo many negative things in your life-time...I truly am...I am sooo proud of the progress which you have made!!!

Have you ever considered giving Jesus a chance???
I am not trying to pressure you in any way, but, I just felt the need to ask!!!!

Have a great night...God Bless...

Mike,
You've described yourself as a phoenix, rising from the ashes of your old self. Isn't that a potent visualization? You're shedding an old skin that doesn't fit anymore. I have that same book (Feeling Good) so I guess we all look for help in some of the same places. And please add yourself to the people that you shouldn't hurt...

Ms. T Bones,

thank you for the kind words. I understand that christianity does work for you and I'm sure it means alot to you. You want to share good things and i appreciate that you aren't trying to pressure me. I have considered it and actually went to a bible camp one summer.

Bees4me,

Yeah i liked that visualization. I had actually posted this on facebook as well and attached a picture of a pheonix. It does feel like shedding an old skin, i never thought of it that way.

Feeling good is an amazing book. I am borrowing it and half for like 3 months and i'm going through it page by page and writing out the most important stuff in a big size spiral notepad. I find that i tend to forget all the techs and such and so i'm actually using it to create a cognitive behavioral refrence guide. I'm hoping to add some other sources in there as well.

You're right that It would be beneficial to be considerate and compassionate to myself instead of hurting myself. Lets compromise with the idea that i shouldn't hurt myself or others. How bout, it is less beneficial to harm myself or others but sometimes this may happen weather for cognitive distorted thinking of the other person, an error i may have done or something indirect. If it is my error then I have the ability to fix it. The only reason i didn't want to use shouldn't is that I will actually hurt everytime someone gets hurt regardless of who's fault it is and I will feel inadequate for not being able to follow my rule.

MIke

Hey Mike!!

Its been a while since I logged on here. I was so happy to see you have wrote a post!!! I am very very happy for you and all of your accomplishments...this post really made me smile..maybe even shed a tear(shhh) haha
You have always been very inspirational!!!
Congrats on everything and keep up that positive attitude!!!

Dena

Awe thank you I never did understand how people become so happy they tear up. I'm happy that you find me inspirational, everybody deserves to have a good life.

How's it going with you?

Mike

Im doing pretty good thank you for asking!!

Its a daily task but Im pushing myself day after day!! Thats the hardest part though...not giving up haha

Hope you have a great day
Dena

DMP720

Your right it can be quite the challenge. I decided to take time off working to focus completely on this...it's been about 4 months now. It's funny too because i was working more on the cognitive stuff and ignored the relaxation stuff. The program and many other people say that relaxation was the most important and now i realize that or i realize how important it is again.

Mike

Hey Mike....doesn't it feel like a burden's been lifted or a whole lot of weight's slowly coming off of you and you're starting to feel lighter?.....

I'm so happy for you and your self-awareness...I can see how much you love to help others just by reading your posts...Keep it up while we all continue to root for you!!!

It has and it hasn't. I actually feel like i'm somewhat slipping back. Seems that this happens if i miss out on the relaxation which i've convinced myself is the most important again...lets see how this goes.

M

Mike,
Thanks for your post! I am happy to see successful people here who have overcome depression & anxiety. I have the book "Feeling Good" and I need to read it again.

thanks for your inspirational post.

Your welcome. I'm not completely over it, my biggest hurtle now is to use the relaxation and sleeping when my body wants it. I realize without this i might as well throw the CBT in the garbadge. It would still help but on it's own it won't be enough to overcome this.

What i've been doing with the Feeling good book (and you could definately consider this), I'm using it to make a cognitive behavioral refrence guide. In this are the cognitive distortions, brief summaries and Techniques. I've found that writing down the techniques and having them listed where i can find them when i need them is the best thing that works for me. I would only forget the techs otherwise.

Neways, I have everything i need now and the knowledge of how to break habits. So i'm getting there.

Mike