Well, I've achieved being able to actually walk with nature trail with Pony and unhostage my friends by not begging them to be there to help me if I lose my mind. Again, this is from someone who not too long ago couldn't even drive to the park alone. Before that, I would even get nervous with someone else driving. Then there was the time just walking around the park with someone would bring on anxiety.

So today I was walking the trail with Pony ALONE and after I passed about the 1/3 part, I started "what if'ing." I was bound and determined to keep moving forward - going on with the walk. The "what if'ing" was all the weird, strange, unfun stuff that starts bringing on anxiety. Still I kept going. There were a few symptoms starting - anxiety, sweaty palms - all the things I hate.

Then I had something ODD happen. I actually thought - So what? So what if I panic? It won't last that long. Yes, it feels awful. But it WILL go away. And I kept on going.

Then I started back-tracking in my head what I was thinking about BEFORE I started getting anxious. Because THOSE are the thoughts I decided to replace with anxiety. It made so much sense!

The things I was thinking about are things that trouble me - confuse me - and I deal with these things in my everyday life. So to replace the thoughts I didn't want to think about, I replaced them with ANXIETY - i.e., what-if'ing.

I THINK I got something today - another clue.

I didn't panic. Instead, I felt the anxiety - didn't fight it. Actually told myself to bring it on - just get it over with. And it went away.

Then I actually started thinking about what was and is going on right now in my life? Work stress. Tired because I'd just gotten home from work and raced to the park so it wouldn't be too dark. My period. A semi stomach bug. Relationship issues. And last week, Mama spent 2 days in the hospital with her blood pressure off the charts and at stroke level. Mama is my best friend. She's fine - I'm still unable to speak in complete sentences.

I bit of stress going on? Yes. Stressful thoughts? Yes. So I'm thinking it was just easier to panic than to think about my "real" life.

Karma

Wow! Your progress has been inspiring to read about. Keep up the GREAT work!

That is awsome! I had a similar experience...I actually havent paniced in 7 or 8 months, then I watched this weird movie...for some reason it made me feel "NOT OK"...when I left in my car, I could feel the adrenaline big time...just like the old days...my head felt cold, started sweating...but you know what! I said to myself WHO CARES...I let myself feel it..no fighting. It went away! I have come to understand that the normal feelings are the TRUE me...the panicy stuff is really nothing but adreneline...thats all. I think that time is the healer...Its almost like post tramatic...I was so scared for the year that I had the Anxiety that I still remember what the feelings felt like...One day those feelings will mean nothing for you and me

I tried to panic in Publix grocery store the other day. Me, Mama and Pony had just walked the nature trail and I was driving us on to the store. Felt the weird feelings coming AND those blasted thoughts. I just wanted to turn around and come home. BUT we were hungry and I was just too tired and too HUNGRY to turn around. Mama stayed in the car while I went in the store. And I just started telling myself - DO IT - PANIC - GET IT OVER WITH. I didn't go into a panic thing - but there was enough anxiety for me to get sweaty palms and all. But I DID IT. I rode it out - LIVED - and did NOT go insane.

In thinking about it now, a dime to a dollar I never "monitored" my breathing and my shoulders were probably so tense they were up to my ears. Those are still things I simply HAVE to watch for. When I'm with my friend Mary Ellen, she always asks me point blank and in a "duh" fashion - are you breathing? It's wonderful to have someone so in tune with me that they always know when I haven't taken a breath in 2 hours. LOL

Karma

Karma, I really admire your courage and your positive attitude. Happy Thanksgiving!