I was ecently diagnosed with PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse. I was 9-11 yrs old when it occured.

One day when I was about 12 I realized what my cousin had done to me was BAD, and I had my first major panic attack, and felt dread for a long time. (At the time I didnt know what was foing on, I was only 12)

I never got therapy, I waited a year before I told my parents, and they didnt get me to a therspist.....so, I put it out of my mind......but it did effect me.

It effected my behavior in many different ways throughout my life. Trust issues, fear, self-esteem problems,panic attacks, depression.

So I was diagnosed on the 11th of this month, I found an attorney who is willing to represent me, I wanted my cousin to take responsibility for what he did to me and the after effects....Im 35 yrs old now.

Im in therapy, and my therapist suggested that I write my cousin a letter, describing the effects his actions have had on me....he is 8 yrs older than myself, so when I was 10 he was 18, he knew better.

Today, I had this urge to call him, I prayed first and asked God to guide me.

I was afraid that my cousin was going to deny what he did and hang up on me.....we live in different states and I havent seen him or talked to him since I was a young teenager.

I told him everything, how what he did effected me since I was 12, and he listened, didnt hang up. I told him that he was MY NIGHTMARE and has been since I was 12. (the nightmare being the memory and the attacks)

He said he was sorry for what he had done. He said he didnt want to be my nightmare. I told him I was calling him to confront him and get my control back, and to help myself by talking to him about what he did and how it effected me................he apologised and asked if I felt any better.

He then confided that he and his brother were molested when they were young by their male babysitter......he told me that I was the only one he has ever touched.....

Now, Im confused, do I continue with the law suit, I do feel better, finally confronting him after all these years......Im happy that he didnt hang up, that he admitted his abuse of me and that he gave me many apologies,

What do you think? Does anyone have any input?

WOW I am really impressed wih you cousin! It takes really courage for him to confessed, and did not deny! Wow, I would give him some credit for that.. Espeically often abuser wouldnt admit anything.

Also, I am proud of you for confornt him I know it takes a lot of courage to do that... Congraulation on your big step!

Often abuser comes from the cycle, if he was abused in past the chance he would abuser someone so guess you were one of victim..

For lawsuit, that is something I am not sure what to say. Maybe you could talk that with your lawyer explain what happened, and see what your lawyer have to say after you already confronted your cousin. Or maybe someone else in here have something better to say...(One suggestion, maybe you can not placed him in jail, but request him to be seen by therpaist) That way it is one way or other. just an idea.

PRAISE yourself for your courage to confront him!

I am only on Lesson #4. I am sure that I will get to the Lesson that you are on and I am thinking about how I would confront my abuser. Just the thought of what he did to me and my sister and his own daughter years later brings pains to my stomach. He served a few years in prison for his sexual abuse of his daughter but my sister and I have no comfort in this because if we have said something to anybody at the time he molested us, he would never had had a daughter to molest because he would of been in jail before he ever conceived her.
Gertrude, I admire your courage, I am not sure I will be able to do it. If I do, I will consider you my encouragement. This is with my deepest sincerity.
The suggestion for therapy as an option to prison is a great. Thinking of the prison system, he may get more out of the therapy sessions. He may also need to heal from his abuse as well.

Gertrude,

I am very sorry that you experienced that type of abuse as a child. I am very happy that you have a great therapist, sounds like a real professional that has the skills to guide you and help you find peace with this event.

That is great that you called and confronted your abuser. That takes alot of courage and assertiveness. It also helps you heal.

My gf's father sexually abused her and her sisters many times, with her mom full knowing and doing nothing about it, except getting jealous.(sick, I know!) She chose not to press charges as it would break up the entire family. None of the siblings trust their father enough to leave their children with him, for the fear that something may happen.

Search and pray for an answer. I know this is a tough decision, and you will find the answer that you are comfortable with, the right decision for you.

Warm wishes, LizB

Kathe: I sat for a long time with the phone in my hand.......not sure if I could do it, "What if he hung up on me or denied it."....but I HAD TO DO IT.....I felt I had to do it because I have this urgent need to help myself, and I thought speaking to him would help............

And I was soooooooooo surprised when he admitted it, apologized, listened to me tell him everything I could remember about how the sexual abuse affected my entire life, since I was 12, in many different ways..........I told him he was and has been my nightmare....I cried.....I told him he was wrong, that he knew better...............45min conversation.

And I do feel better. I finally did what I had rehearsed in my head for years.........

If he had hung up or denied it, it would be a different story.

About the suit, I filed for past and present suffering due to his actions on me when I was just a little girl. Actions that I believe, if hadnt occured I wouldnt be the person I am today. The suffering that 12 yr old went through, that 20 yr old me, that 30 yr old me, that 35 yr old me.........and what about my future.......

Anyhow, a part of me wants to continue with the suit because he did it, and it has effected my life.

But, something did heal with that phone call.

Another part of me wants to drop the suit....due to the phone call...

Im just not sure what to do now.

Everyone who replied, thank you so much for your words.......they mean more than you know.

Would like more input from forum members, please.....

Gertrude, im very sorry for all that you are going through, to confront the past like that had to be very hard for you, you are very strong for making that phone call. I personally if I was in your shoes would still seek the atorney because an abuser never stops abusing especially if it's a learned behavior like your abuser, who knows who he could be abusing now, im not saying throw him in prison and throw away the key because the prison system I think does more harm than help, but he needs to be held accountable for what he did to you, even if it was "just" touching, never downplay the abuse, and don't feel sorry for this person, yes you can forgive so you can heal, but like I said before he may still be abusing, and I would take the steps to make sure that he is not doing that. Whatever the outcome of your situation atleast it will be made known that he has a history of abuse and who knows you could probably spare another little girl. This person has had power over you way to long, it's time to take your power back reguardless of the outcome!

Gertrude,

If I was in your shoes, I would go ahead and continue the suit. Who know if he still has it in him to harm someone again? I do not think that type of behavior is a one time occurance. I really think once a predator, this just does not dissolve away. There is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. If he has notabused anyone since, it may happen later on. I personally would not want that guilt of knowing what happened to me and not putting a stop to it if he did it again. There are programs, counseling that can help him deal with his past issues and hopefully heal as well.I like Chatterbox's post, that it is time for you to take your power back regardless of the outcome. He never was concerned what this would do to you. I really think he needs to be held accountable for what he did, he needs counseling, he needs to heal from what happened to him as well. I personally would feel better knowing that my abuser was getting the professional help he so greatly needs, this would provide closure for me.

Gertrude,
Since i didnt know the man who molested me, it was very difficult to do anything. I was only 5yrs old and he was a neighbor down the street. I didnt even know what molestation was then. I just knew he kept saying he would give me a bucket of pennies if i would come in and take with him. I never told anyone!! Till about 8 yrs ago. But, your right it does effect your life and your husbands life and your childrens life.
I became so overprotective of my kids, they thought i was crazy. They couldnt play in the front yard at all when they were little. I was so afraid that someone would snatch them off the street. it was so bad my kids were scared of anyone and everyone. Anxiety/depression does come from this type of thing. My dad was in the oil business and we moved around alot back then, so once we moved to another town, i never saw this man again, never even knew his name.
So, Just 4 yrs ago, i finally forgave what he did, wrote a letter with all the anger i had, they anxiety/depression it caused, the fear of intimatcy i had had for years, becuase of the shame i felt and the guilt i felt. Put it in an envelope and burned it. Then i ask God to help me forgive him cause i couldnt do it on my own.
And yes i did forgive him, but, forgiveness is one thing, forgetting another. If, and im sure this man isnt still alive today, i would sue him, without a blink of an eye. Let me tell you why, he should be accountable for his action and the trauma you have had to endure all these years. Im sure you werent the only one he did this to, and you may be saving some other child from this happening to again. I will keep you in my prayers, the decision is yours to make, but God will lead you. Take careNelly

Thank you for your words of support and words of encouragement.

Sometiimes it does help to hear someone elses opinion, who is not involved in the situation.

What is weird is that I felt sorry for HIM, when he told me he had been abused as a child. Im sure my therapist will have some medical term for that.....anyway.....

I feel a little selfish, because due to the statute of limitations, as I found out while hunting down an attorney, and speaking to the DA and ADA, I cant have him charged criminally.....too many years have gone by.

I can only charge him in civil court, which means money....so, I was feeling selfish for going through this suit because it will all equate to money....BUT, I had a brain storm after reading your replies......

Im going to talk to my attorney and see if, as a condition of the suit, could it include asking the court to send him for therapy.

I feel guilty because its not about money, its about facing him, taking back my control, its about getting closier......helping myself.

What if I do nothing and someone else gets hurt. I wonder if it already has, its been alot of years.

And what if I go throuth with it and my family doesnt support me.......

This has effected me since the age of 12, what do I deserve for a lifetime of selfhate..fear...avoidence....untrusting..etc..etc...and at 35 finding out why?

I know we are not supposed to what if....but I cant help thinking, what if it had never happend, who would I be today, what would I have done growing up that I didnt do because I felt uncomfortable, what friends would I have made that I didnt, how many tears would I not be shedding now......it effected my life....

I cant get the past back, but now that I know the cause.......can I have a different future?

Gertrude,

My sister in-law just confidedin me that her 6 year old daughter was molested by her school friend's father. . Apparently, this has happened on more than one occasion.

My sister inlaw is struggling on what to do, she is so very angry with this person, but also is afraid of all the attention this will bring to the family, reports, media, police, as well as court, exposing their daughter to re-live the horrific act. After I talked with her and realizing her daughter is having nightmares something needs to be done. My sister inlaw is having nightmares as well, about confronting this guy and yellling at him, she gets so scared of this and wakes up in the middle of the night and can't fall asleep.

I told her she needs to report this...this guy has children in his home. His son is my niece's friend and does not want to go home after having a play date at her house, kinda strange cause the kid clings onto my sister inlaw and gets not whiny like a kid would, but seems to be begging as if he was afraid to face something. Goodness,who knows what this person has done and to how many other kids! My sister in law does not like confrontation and is quite. I told her I would fly out there and help her. I know she has depression and this causes her anxiety which we know keeps us avioding these type of tough situations.

Gertrude, if you go through civil court and sure for money, that is OK. You do not have to pocket it, you can donate it to local organizations that serve abused persons.

You need to make amends with this for your own good. If your family does not support you, that is a tough one. My mom, sister and husband would support me no matter what, I know this is my heart. Talk to your family about this...most people are understanding and compassionate.

You can have a different future. I have started to let go of my fathers emotional and psychological abuse. My therapist told me I had to comfort my inner child, that is was OK now, that she was safe and no more harm would come to her. Doing this sounds very strange, but it does work.

I hope you can find peace and comfort. God Bless, LizB

Gertrude,
I have never been sexually abused so I would never even pretend to understand. With that said, I think it is wonderful that you would like to see your cousin in therapy. I too thought it sad that he had been abused. You both need healing. I knew this was not about the money. Law suits need to be about healing.
It would be great if he was not only accountable but was court ordered to therapy. If it came down to money (I don't even know how much this man stands to loose) How well off is he finanially? You could donate the money and/or use it toward therapy like Liz suggested.
Now, I don't know where you are spiritually, but I do wonder how the Lord would handle this. He believes in justice, but He also loves all of us. Your pain will be something for you to walk out. This can be a lonely painful road, I know. We all have something, but I do know forgiveness is the key to your healing and it sounds like you are walking that out. Should your cousin "pay" for what he did? Well, it sounds like he knew what he was doing but wasn't well himself. No one here needs punishment-you've probably done that enough to yourselves. What needs to happen is healing and forgiveness coming from a place of love. A holy unblemished unconditional love.
I would seek what brings YOU peace. You are the only one that can take care of you. You deserve peace in every way. If going ahead with the suit is what will bring closure and healing to you and this man, then do it. Never worry what others will think. If they don't support you than let the Lord be your strength. All things are possible with God. Look how strong you've been just dealing with this and finally confronting him!
I pray healing for your wounded spirit and that no matter which way you go you will be directed by the God who is bigger than every hurt you will ever have. Peace for you in this trial.
Kristen

Liz,
Im so sorry to hear about your neice, its a horrible thing, but your sisterinlaw cannot let this pass, this little girl is one of many im sure. Their are counselors always available for children who this happens to.

Yes, she should press charges and chances are the little girl will NOT have to testify in court buy by video tape. Men like this need to be caught and put away!!! Its horrific to go through as a parent, but traumatic for this child. I been there done that, so if you dont charge him, you think your protecting your child, but if you, you save not only your child but many others.... Love yaNelly

Liz, please encourage your sister-in-law to charge this man, but more importantly get your niece help now.

No one knows what's really going on in her mind concerning the abuse, dont allow her to spend her life like I have.....

Kristen, thank you for your words of encouragement, I pray for guidence and trust the Lord, and know that there is a reason that I am on this road, he has a plan........

Nelly, thank you for your words and your prayers....

God Bless

Gertrude- Thanks much. I know I told my sister in-law sheneeds to stop this monster. This guy has small children at home! If my sister in-law cannot muster the courage, I told her I would go down to FL and stand by her side. She suffers from anxiety and depression as well, so she is afraid. I told her that I would call her Monday and remind her she needs to find the cahoonies and just do it.

Nelly-Thanks much. I know, I am going to be all over my sister in-law. I told her that her daughter and the rest of the family need to heal, go to counseling. My sister in-law and my niece are having nightmares about this! I told her they need to heal. I will keep on her to do something. She promised me she would and I know she will.

Thank you for your input. Please pray all turns out for the best, not only for my niece and her parents, but to all that have suffered from being exploited and abused. God Bless, LizB